E30 Behavior Modification is Not the Answer: 3 Ways to Stop Doing That Thing You Hate But Still Keep Doing

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
Why in the world do I keep doing this thing that I hate doing? Whether it’s overeating, lying, impulse shopping, everybody’s got habitual compulsive behaviors that harm them and hinder their progress. So today we’re going to address that. The problem is actually that we think behavior modification is going to fix it. All we’ve got to do is have enough willpower. We’ve just got to stay motivated and then we can change, but that doesn’t actually fix it. You’ve got to deal with the root cause.

So join me today, I’m gonna address the three common reasons that you keep doing that thing that you hate and how to overcome it. Stick around….

Hey, welcome to the show. I’m Jennifer. Thanks for joining us on Into the Depths, where we go from a shallow existence to abundant life led by the spirit. Today’s topic is about behavior modification. I’ve had this ⁓ thought come up a couple of times over the last week at where I either was watching a video or I had a friend say something about, I’ve just got to try again. I’ve just got to keep trying. ⁓

I’ve got to change the way I handle this situation because I don’t like it. It just got me thinking that most of the time that doesn’t actually work. Willpower is not enough. I just sat with the Lord and thought,

because I know I’ve definitely done that before too. Oh no, I failed again. I’ve just got to keep going. I’ve just got to try again. And I’ve realized that the Lord has taught me over the past few years, like that’s actually not how it works. Most of the time there’s some sort of root cause for that behavior that you don’t like doing. And so I thought, oh, well, this will be a great topic for a podcast. So here I am today. So why doesn’t behavior modification work?

to start off, let’s just talk about what are some of those things that we don’t like doing. It could be something as simple as you keep hitting this news button every morning and you know that’s not good for you because you get up late and you’re running behind. It could be like snapping at your spouse. That is definitely something that I’ve struggled with over the years. I just get easily irritated and I don’t want to be easily irritated at him. I love him. He is my favorite person in the entire world. Why would I continue to

get so easily irritated, right? I don’t want to do that. Could be other things like hoarding or maybe like endless social media scrolling. It could be, you know, snacking so much that you’re not hungry for dinner. There’s so many different little things that can disrupt our lives and actually be damaging and destructive. But we’re just not sure how to quit doing those because they become a habit. They’re just like easy, natural. just happen. So let’s let’s open up with just a

Addressing the fact that this happens to everybody so you’re not weird. You’re not strange. There’s nothing wrong with you This is normal typical human behavior And then I also want to point out that ⁓ I’m not necessarily talking about addictions. Although some of these behaviors are definitely ⁓ addictive when it comes to something that’s pretty detrimental like a pornography or a substance abuse

Typically those have multiple layers and so you’re gonna have to get some help with those. You can’t usually overcome those kinds of things on your own. So I’m addressing more of the items that are less destructive and less damaging, but they still cause us trouble. They still cause harm and they still hinder our progress. So I also wanted to throw out, ⁓ just remember in scripture there’s a,

a section in Romans 7 where Paul who wrote a lot of the New Testament talks about his own struggles with man I wish I could stop doing this thing that I hate but my goodness I keep doing it even though I don’t want to and so I don’t know about you but I appreciate that because it feels relatable it makes him seem human and I’m like okay this has been a thing for

generations for hundreds of years people have struggled with, man I don’t like doing this thing why do I keep doing it? if you truly want to change you’ve got to deal with the root that’s the whole ⁓ direction we’re going with this today. So what are the underlying causes that make us act in these ways that are not serving us and not helping us move forward in life?

So I am offering up three areas that I think are root causes that need to be dealt with. usually it’s one, it could be two, it may be all three. So if whatever it is that behavior that you’re wanting to overcome, you’re just gonna have to sit with God and pray through it and ask him to show you, you know, what is the root cause and what’s your next steps for getting through it. Because until the root is dealt with, your behavior won’t change.

Number one, mindset. I’ve talked about this a lot. Lies, labels, limitations. This is huge. This is huge. There are so many areas, so many things going on inside our brain that is sabotaging us that we don’t recognize as being a problem. I have been working on this for several years and I have uncovered hundreds. I really am mind blown.

at how many lies, labels and limitations I have believed over the past couple of decades. It’s awful. And so this is something that I really want you to take seriously. There are so many areas where you don’t realize you’re sabotaging yourself by the way that you think. So pay attention to this. So I used to hate clothes shopping and this was even before I even gained extra weight. I just didn’t really enjoy it.

I wasn’t really sure like what colors do I like? I mean, I kind of knew I wasn’t sure what style like I preferred just to go for comforts. But there’s times where you can’t just run around in jeans and t-shirts all day or hoodies, right? You’ve got to actually have other items in your wardrobe.

But I remember somebody asking me one day like, really? Why do you hate clothes shopping? That’s kind of weird. And I was like, I don’t know. But this time, instead of brushing it off, I was like, OK, let’s dig deeper. Like I’ve learned that when something seems off, there’s probably something going on inside of me that I need to address. So I was like, OK, God, like.

What what’s going on here? Is there something out of whack that I need to deal with? And God said to me you’re doing it wrong. And I was like what there’s a wrong way to go shopping. Like what in the world does that mean? So I had to spend a few days or I don’t know might have been a few weeks just really reflecting on that and spending time in prayer. But he showed me that I had believed a lie ⁓ that nothing looks good on me. So why should I even try? So

I would just go after what’s comfortable or what I liked instead of trying to ⁓ find something that really made me feel good that I really enjoyed wearing. ⁓ And so what I’ve started to do, this sounds really funny, but now when I go clothes shopping, I go with God and I talked to him throughout the entire shopping experience because I don’t, I know I don’t want to rush through it. I don’t want to just grab something because I

think that I need it or I don’t want to continue to settle. That’s one of the things God has showed me is that you settle. You don’t even try to find stuff that will look nice on you because you have this underlying belief about who you are and what you look like. And so ⁓ I had to reframe that. Of course, I had to renounce it and reject it and say, okay, no, no, no, no.

there’s definitely got to be something out there that I can buy that’s going to actually look good on me. And what really helped also was ⁓ doing a color consult and doing some. I’ve never been super interested in fashion, honestly, but ⁓ as my daughter grew up and went through high school and was kind of trying some different things, she really inspired me to sort of get to know myself better, what I like, what I don’t like, and ⁓ to discover sort of what

not just what’s comfortable, but ⁓ what I actually feel good wearing. So anyways, that was a little bit of a journey for me, but it just really caught me off guard just the way that God addressed it. And so I’m super glad that I prayed through that because I don’t want to be that person anymore. Now I actually enjoy shopping because it’s me and God hanging out and he helps me to to find the right things. Sometimes he’ll point me to a specific rack. I know that

A couple of times I’ve asked him, okay, well, which store should I go to today in order to find this thing that I’m looking for? yeah, that has definitely changed my outlook on clothes shopping, but it was because of this negative mindset that I had around the idea of clothes shopping. Another lie that came up for me in recent years, as I’ve gained a little weight, struggled with having my picture taken.

And ⁓ I don’t like that. I don’t want to criticize my body. I don’t want to look at a photo of myself and say, yuck. And I know God doesn’t like that either. And so I would find myself doing that. And I would try to catch myself and say, wait, I’m not supposed to do that. God thinks I’m beautiful. I’m wonderfully made and those kinds of things. But that still didn’t, even saying those affirmations to myself or those truths to myself ⁓ didn’t actually really.

help in the moment when I was looking at that photo and honing in on something that I didn’t like. And so I remember one day just sort of sitting with the Lord and saying, know, God, I want to be able to look at these family photos and enjoy it. Like, why can’t I be happy looking at these family photos? Why am I constantly focused on the criticism instead of, you know, the love and the memories associated with the photo?

And what God said to me is ⁓ just something about the concept of ⁓ not feeling like I’m attractive. But the specific line that he said to me, because I was honing in on my chin, God said to me, who told you that a double chin was unattractive? Because it certainly wasn’t me. And that, like I was speechless for a minute. I thought, whoa, like he was

really annoyed that I had that belief that a double chin is unattractive therefore because I have a little bit of extra ⁓ skin underneath my chin therefore I cannot be attractive and I’m not photo worthy and so I really sat with that for several days thinking ⁓ wow like God is really challenging me on my outlook of my physical appearance and

Another thing that he said along with that is, have never talked to you about your weight, your shape or your size. And I really sat in that for a few days as well, just meditating on the idea that ⁓ I had a wrong outlook on what was considered attractive. And I was going with what the world tended to say. And honestly, I can’t pinpoint a moment in my life where I heard somebody say,

double chins are unattractive or I officially made that decision. It was just sort of something that was always there in the back of my mind. So ⁓ I really had to sit back and think, okay, well, what has God said to me about my body? And so, you know, he has said things to me like, contend for your health, cut back on sugar and caffeine, ⁓ you know, limit.

Processed foods get outside and make sure you’re taking walks Those are the kinds of things that God has talked to me about and so it really helped me shift my focus from Okay ⁓ Yes to a certain extent beauty is in the eye of the beholder But what’s more important what the world thinks or what what the media is presenting as beautiful or is it what God says and so

teaching myself to shift away from those lies or the way I had labeled myself, it did take me a little bit of time. But as those things came up, ⁓ I began to deal with them. the scripture does also talk about in 1 Corinthians 6, you know, our body is a temple, so God does want us to take care of it. We need to be careful that we’re not out of balance when it comes to…

eating and exercise and I was definitely out of balance in a lot of areas and so God has been working with me on those things. But it’s not about ⁓ criticizing yourself. God does not like that at all and so I’ve really had to learn how to reframe the way I think about body image and talk to myself and especially when I’m looking at videos or photos of myself. So

But let me just like kind of step back for a second. I know that body image is a super complicated topic. And so I don’t mean to say that all you got to do is reframe a couple thoughts and you’re going to be fine. I realize that there can be a lot of other factors that go into it. So I’m not trying to say that this is super simple. I know that most women have a distorted view about body image. And I think that tends to be normal. I know that affirmations can definitely help.

But they’re not going to overcome that negative narrative that we keep saying to ourselves over and over. So we’ve got to renounce those lies, labels, and limitations that we’re putting on ourselves when it comes to ⁓ body image or anything in general. But I have really tried over the past few years to not talk negatively about my physical appearance anymore because the Lord doesn’t like it. So if you’re struggling with compulsive

behavior that you don’t want to do that you don’t like doing such as hating your photos or criticizing yourself in the mirror. ⁓ I would encourage you to really dig into lies, labels and limitations. And of course, as I mentioned before, I’ve got that worksheet that you can download for free. The three L’s worksheet that helps you walk through the steps of identifying lies, labels and limitations and then how to renounce them and ⁓ focus on truth instead.

If you have any questions about that, obviously you can contact me, but follow the links and go get yourself a copy of that so you can begin to practice looking into that. So number one is your mindset, dealing with the lies that you’ve been believing. Even if it’s not intentional, there’s lots of lies, labels, and limitations going on inside your brain. So you’re going to want to look into that. Another area when it comes to having those compulsive negative behaviors that don’t serve you,

is gonna be heart wounds. And I think that this might be a bigger issue, but it’s certainly not something that’s super easily dealt with. And so a lot of people shy away from it. But when it comes to brokenness, I mean, everybody deals with brokenness. We’ve all gone through hurt and pain several times in our lives and a lot of it in childhood. And in childhood, we don’t have the skills to cope with those kinds of things. And so,

We tend to bury it and then it festers ⁓ into adulthood until we deal with it and face it. So I recognize that this is a bigger topic that I can’t address very deeply in this episode, but it is something that I will delve into a little bit deeper at a later time. So this is going to be more of a surface look at heart wounds, but this can definitely lead us to compulsive behaviors or doing things

for weird reasons. so let me share a story with you about when I was in kindergarten. So my family had literally moved the day before my first day of kindergarten. I don’t remember the specifics. There were some issues with us getting into our new place and we weren’t able to get in until the very last minute. And so my parents didn’t have time to do the normal grocery shopping. so

My siblings were younger than me, so the focus was just getting me through my first day of school while they focused ⁓ on trying to get the new home set up and all those kinds of things. So what happened was we didn’t actually have food for my lunch, and so I had to eat what we had available. So my mom threw some pancakes and slices of cheese in a plastic bag and handed them to me when we got to the school and said, here, this is

this is what we have for now, but I’ll make sure that we get some lunch stuff for you. This is just going to get you through the day. And of course, you know, I was grateful that I even just had food for lunch, but I was still embarrassed that I’m eating pancakes and cheese for lunch when everybody else has a cute little lunchbox and you know, nice packaged food. And so I ended up not even eating my lunch

I remember later in the day, it was about three o’clock, I’m waiting for the school bus to drive me home and I was so hungry. And so I ended up going to the very end of the school building where the teacher could still see me because we were all outside waiting for the bus. And I sat on the pavement in front of the school and I snuck bites of pancakes and cheese.

of this plastic bag because I was so hungry. But I didn’t want anybody to see me eating pancakes because pancakes are breakfast food, right? And so I just remember ⁓ that being a really sort of like sad moment in my life. Like, ⁓ it’s really disappointing that this is my initial beginning. This is how my school started for me. ⁓

What I did not realize until I reached adulthood is that the Lord showed me the reason that I had an aversion to eating pancakes was because of this negative memory. And this is so interesting. I would make pancakes for my kids and I would kind of sort of eat them, but I always had this like weird, ⁓ even like a physical reaction when you would say the word pancake, I’d be like, ⁓ like just the idea of eating a pancake was so disgusting to me. Even though

when I would eat them, it wasn’t even actually very disgusting. And I always thought it was weird. I’m like, why do I hate pancakes when I don’t really hate pancakes? It was so strange. Well, the Lord showed me the connection. So anytime I would be in a situation where pancakes would be presented as a usually for breakfast, but I don’t know, sometimes breakfast for dinner, right? I would really struggle to eat them. And I always, I always just thought it was because I didn’t like pancakes. But then the Lord showed me, no, it was actually because

It brought up the past, this painful situation that happened in my past. And I thought, that’s really weird. I never in my life would have made that connection. And who cares? It’s just pancakes, right? But he wanted me to learn that even little things like that can be a result of wounds from childhood. I didn’t like thinking through that memory. was embarrassed. It was painful, all those kinds of things. You know, it’s really uncomfortable to deal with.

wounds and pain, but we have to do it or we’re not going to become the best version of ourselves. We can’t be, we can’t live in freedom and healing if we don’t dig into these things. So I went ahead and pushed through, prayed through it. And actually this memory, I actually had a coach work, walk through it with me, an inner healing coach. And so she walked me through the memory and we talked about, we prayed, obviously Jesus showed me like that. He was with me the whole time and he had been watching over me that day and that

you know, assured me that he understood how painful it was that even though I was super grateful to even have a lunch that ⁓ it was embarrassing. Like he validated those, the pain and the embarrassment of having pancakes and cheese for lunch while all the other students, you know, had a nice lunchbox. And so he redeemed the memory and it’s no longer painful. I can think about that with no emotion at all. And it’s, it’s lovely now. ⁓ And I can actually eat pancakes now without that.

weird disgust coming on me. ⁓ They’re still not my favorite and maybe they won’t be and that’s okay. But it was, this was just an interesting situation that happened that showed me that there was a legit reason that I had an aversion to pancakes. So if you’ve got a ⁓ negative compulsive behavior, look into

the potential of it being connected to some sort of heart wound, some sort of pain from your past. And it doesn’t have to be like childhood. It could be a more current memory or a more current situation, but ⁓ you’re have to get some inner healing for that. You’re gonna have to go through some prayer, whether it’s by yourself and just talking out with God or getting a trusted coach or mentor or friend or pastor or somebody who can walk through that memory with you and gain some healing from that. So.

The third area is gonna be just simply a repetition that became a habit. Sometimes these compulsive negative behaviors, there’s not like ⁓ a legit reason. It just simply happened. It just simply was learned and developed over time. And so it could be a matter of, well, this is what I’ve always done. It’s just easy. This is just the way it is.

⁓ When actually we can simply develop a new habit and simply just change it by replacing it with something else. So when I was in high school, ⁓ one of my favorite things was my junior, senior year, I joined the cheerleading team and I’m not super athletic, but back then I was definitely more active

I joined just for something to do because I wanted to have extracurricular activities on my portfolio so that I could get into college. Well, ⁓ after one year of doing that for a football season, the coach suggested that I consider being the mascot, which happened to be a cougar. And I was like, sure, let me try it. I’m not normally a…

a person who likes to be upfront on a stage, but I thought being a mascot could be really fun. And I ended up enjoying that. did that for three seasons because my home was about 30 minutes from the school, we lived in a rural area. ⁓ I would stay after school for practice or for a game and I would end up getting home really late at night. Could be anywhere from like seven to 10 PM depending on what was happening. And so

I would go from lunchtime around 12 until the time I got home ⁓ not eating any food. I don’t know why we didn’t think it would be a good idea to send a snack to school with me every day, but I did not take any kind of snack. did not. And I didn’t take money to like buy snacks or food either. For some reason that just didn’t, ⁓ we just didn’t do that.

And so by the time I would get home in the evenings, I was so hungry, like starving. And so obviously my family would save me food, but I remember just really like ⁓ gulping that down and really stuffing my gullet. And over time that developed into a habit of eating a ton of food in the evenings because I was so tired, so stressed and so hungry. And so it wasn’t…

The reason wasn’t because I had an issue or a negative belief or anything. It was just simply that in this season of life, this just happened to be the lifestyle that I had at that moment. But because it lasted for so long, it developed into a rhythm that just became something like, this is just the way we do it. And so over time,

Being able to really eat a good meal when I got home at the end of the day was actually very satisfying, made me feel so good. And so that added to the compulsion to continue to overeat in the evenings because I would always come away feeling really good, really satisfied, really fulfilled. And it was like a great big sigh at the end of my day, right? Like, okay, now I can go to bed and get some good sleep. But the problem was,

You know, back then when I was super active, it wasn’t as big of a deal, but then I got older and I had this habit in place and I wasn’t as active. And so that led to gaining weight. Then it became a problem over time. the first couple of years, it wasn’t so much of an issue when it comes to my health. So even now, man, when I’m stressed, when I’m tired, when something’s upsetting me, my first initial impulse is to go get food.

And it’s usually some kind of comfort food, like something cheesy, something salty. I absolutely love potatoes. ⁓ Or maybe a nice slice of pizza or something. And so I’ve really had to work on that. But it came from a place of, this was just a lifestyle. This is just something that we did. It wasn’t so much that I had to have it to fix a problem, but it did develop into that. So sometimes,

It’s just simply a behavior that we’ve repeated so many times that it becomes something negative without an actual reason. So learned behaviors can be unlearned. You just have to replace it. So what has worked for me is when I get in that place where I feel super stressed or I really want to reach for junk food or overeat in the evenings because I’m tired and stressed,

I have learned to, number one, get some accountability, get some help from my family, but other ways of coping with the stress and the tiredness. Maybe I need to go for a walk. Maybe I just need to sit down and spend some extra time alone with God and in prayer. I mean, there’s lots of different things that you can learn to do as a replacement. ⁓ In this case, for me, that habitual behavior became a coping mechanism when life got hard.

And so that developed into a pretty big problem. And so I had to come up with other coping skills so that I could get away from the overeating in the evenings. So find something that works for you. When it comes to a behavior that’s just simply done because it’s easy, it’s what you’ve always done. It’s just a repetitive thing. All you gotta do is find something else to replace it and then develop the new habit. So instead of focusing on, gotta stop doing that thing.

you focus on, okay, let me notice my triggers and then let me figure out how I can replace it and do something differently.

So the next time you see yourself struggling with that awful habit that you just don’t wanna do anymore, that you hate doing and you’re like, why am I doing this? Give yourself a minute to pause and think, okay, what is the root cause here? Could it be I’ve got a mindset issue going on and I need to address a lie label or limitation? Could it be that maybe this is connected to a heart wound that I haven’t got healing from and I need to get some prayer and spend some time with the Lord and get some healing over it?

Or it could just simply be a habitual behavior that you’ve done so many times that it just feels normal, that it just feels like this is what I always do. It’s easy. And you just simply need to reframe it and find a different way of handling that. It could be any of those. So take a few minutes, make sure that you are looking into.

Digging deeper, dive deep, right? Make sure you’re going below the surface and not just trying to modify behavior. Make sure that you’re taking some time to pray through it, find an answer so you can overcome it and become a better version of yourself and get to that abundant life. So bless you, friend. I’ll see you next week.