E36 The Ache of Emotional Disconnect: How God Heals When Imperfect Parents Miss Your Heart

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
Did you grow up feeling like your parents were physically present but emotionally absent? Have you struggled with that deep ache of wanting their love, wanting their attention, wanting affirmation, and yet you never really got it? You’re not alone. It’s actually more common than you think. So today’s discussion is gonna be centered around that pain of not having your needs met as a child. And we’re gonna talk about how it affects who you are today and how to step into the healing power of God’s love. So let’s dive in.

Welcome. This is the podcast Into the Depths where we go below the surface. We dive into who we are and break free of who we’ve been. And I’ve got Rosalind with me today. Yay. So our topic today is going to be centered around ⁓ growing up with parents who struggled to connect with us emotionally.

Rosalynn Lasley (00:31)
Thank you.

Jen Cudmore (00:50)
and didn’t always meet our needs. And so right off the bat, we want to be super clear. Like this episode is not about blaming our parents. We are not gonna be bashing anything they’d said or did. This is simply an area where we want to bring awareness around the fact that no parent is perfect and there’s always gonna be mistakes that are made. And unfortunately, mistakes affect kids and that’s just life. So we’re gonna be discussing how our parents in their imperfection unintentionally cause wounds, but we are not blaming them and seeking to push all of our problems on them. It’s just a discussion. So Roslyn, let’s talk about what it looks like to grow up with emotionally absent parents. What are your thoughts on that?

Rosalynn Lasley (01:34)
So for me, it was as I was, you know, digging in in therapy, trying to unpack where my insecurities started from and where my ⁓ negative self-talk came from that I started to identify that some of it may have come from emotionally unavailable experiences when I was being raised.

And so, you I was raised in a home. My mom was a single mom most of the time. My parents had gotten back together very ⁓ temporarily when I was a kid, but for the most part, my mom was who raised us individually. And so she was physically present, but there were a lot of times where I felt like she wasn’t emotionally present or ⁓ psychologically present for me the way that I needed her to be.

Jen Cudmore (02:21)
that’s definitely a similar for me. I, my parents, I felt really blessed that they were actually stayed together because there so many families now where parents do split. But there were times where, you know, they didn’t, they weren’t as available to have conversations. I remember one time I was struggling with sort of the temptation of not sleeping with my boyfriend in high school. And ⁓ I had a conversation with them. I was like, look, this is a struggle. just,

to be brave and say hey this is a struggle for me and I could really use some help and ⁓ the conversation really went with me talking they listened one parent had a couple things to say and then the conversation was over and I remember being so

disappointed and so hurt and walking away saying I will never share my heart with them again. Like that’s how I felt. was like, I just poured out my struggle to you. You didn’t help me. You didn’t guide me. You didn’t offer accountability, anything.

you know, they were not intentionally trying to hurt me. That’s just one example of something that came up and it was, it was super disappointing and it, and it shaped, you know, kind of moving forward.

There were times where like in high school and I was involved in sports or cheerleading and they, ⁓ they never came to my games. And at the time I didn’t think much of it, but over, know, as I grew older, I thought, you know, that was really disappointing that they didn’t invest time in me, that they didn’t support the activities that I wanted to do. And again, they weren’t doing it because they didn’t like me or they didn’t like the sports. was just simply like,

They just, it just wasn’t a thing. They just didn’t come. And so most of the time our parents are not intentionally trying to hurt us and harm us. That is not on their minds at all. we don’t get a manual when we have kids, right? We just, we have to learn as we go. And sometimes they do things really well. Sometimes they miss the…

Rosalynn Lasley (04:06)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (04:12)
they miss it and they don’t they don’t quite step up the way they could have or should have but they’re in my perspective I feel like parents really do the best that they can with what they have and when they have their own issues it’s sometimes hard for them to step up being be a good parent so ⁓ what so let’s talk about a definition what does it mean emotionally absent that that means

Your basic necessities like food and clothes, typically those are met. Like you’ve got a place to lay your head. You have a place to sleep at night. But it’s when your parents can’t tune into your feelings. Like there’s no comfort when you’re hurting. There’s no celebration over joys, or I should say very little. It’s not that they never do, but instead of feeling like you are seen and you’re valued, you grow up feeling kind of invisible. Like your emotions and your opinions don’t matter. Did you want to add anything? That was just kind of how I…

Rosalynn Lasley (04:51)
Thank you.

Jen Cudmore (05:02)
was defining it.

Rosalynn Lasley (05:03)
Yeah, or I feel like, ⁓ you know, you talked about not feeling safe to be vulnerable. I feel like that was very true for me because ⁓ I am fairly sensitive and tender-hearted and my mom is a very much like, pull it together, be tough. ⁓ Because of how she was raised, that she didn’t know how to relate to a very sensitive child.

And so I was told, you know, I was being dramatic or being overly sensitive or being too emotional or making a big deal out of nothing. And so then when I had things that felt like a big deal, it didn’t feel like I could share how hard something was or how much something hurt my feelings or how intense my emotions or experiences were for me because my whole life I’d been told that the way that I feel about things is inaccurate. And so ⁓ I feel like it just kind of continued to…

Jen Cudmore (05:40)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (05:53)
grow this great separation and divide with my mom and I because I didn’t feel like I could be who I was. And as I’ve grown and am a mom myself, I can start to understand, even if it was hurtful to me, I can understand why she was the way she was or where she was coming from. And so it’s in my own growth and the way that the Lord has healed those places in me.

even if it’s still hurt and I’m still working to undo some of that damage, I can understand why she was the way that she was. And I can also see growth in her as, you know, I’ve become an adult and we’ve had some more, more transparent, vulnerable conversations in adulthood. ⁓ You know, ⁓ she’s very apologetic and she tries much harder to be different, even if she’s not quite sure how to go about it because it was so damaging for me.

Jen Cudmore (06:47)
it’s wonderful that you can, as you both are growing and maturing like us and our parents, right? We have the opportunity to make things right and get healed from those wounds. I know in my case, both my parents are now gone. They’re in heaven. And so I don’t get to actually have a current relationship with them, but I can look back on those things and not be upset. Like I’m not hurt by it anymore because I got healing from it. I’m not angry at them. I don’t have, um,

What am I trying to say? I don’t have negative thoughts and feelings toward them. I’m like, they did the best they could. They did not intentionally try to harm me. And so once you get healing, you would be able to look back and it doesn’t hurt anymore and it doesn’t bother you anymore. And you can say, yeah, I wish my childhood could have been a little bit different, but.

that it’s okay, it is what it is and I can choose to move forward. So I love that you’re, how you were sharing that that’s how you’ve been doing is working forward and not holding onto that and not being like super bitter about them making mistakes, but like, let’s just, it is what it is, this happened, let’s all grow, let’s all learn, let’s all go forward.

Rosalynn Lasley (07:46)
Yeah.

Yeah,

and for me too, it’s like I have tried really hard to remind myself that while those were things that she may have said to me growing up, you know, with my dad, he was physically and emotionally absent ⁓ or his emotion was mostly anger. And now he’s grown a lot as a man, too. Like, he’s not who he was when I was a kid. But ⁓ it was more those wounds came mostly from my mom. ⁓ However, like I have to remind myself that she’s not still saying or doing those things to me now.

And so it’s very unfair for me to continue to ruminate and continue to say those things to myself or to blame it on my mom. You know, I was raised this way and my mom said I was this or that, or didn’t meet my needs this way or that way, because it’s not currently still happening. And so I’m basically continuing to repeat unforgiveness when I myself am reflecting on those things or the way that I feel, you know, I’m reluctant to be vulnerable because somebody might think I’m being too sensitive.

because it’s like, know, if that’s not still continuing to happen, you know, she’s actively worked on not saying or doing those things. I’m actively working on trying to heal those wounds. Then why would I continue to think those things internally and adopt that as my identity because that’s not, ⁓ you know, if she would have the opportunity to go back and do things differently, she would, we all would.

Jen Cudmore (09:16)
Yeah, yeah, I mean, that’s a huge point ⁓ that this isn’t about ⁓ fixing it. It’s about how do you move forward because it happened. You can’t change it. ⁓ So why does it hurt so much when you don’t have that deep connection with your parents? What are some of your thoughts around that?

Rosalynn Lasley (09:37)
I think the difficult thing for me was like, ⁓ had a lot of friends, I spent a lot of time with friends because I felt like I didn’t have my needs met at home. And I saw the way that their parents were very involved in their life. You they had very open conversations about relationships and friendships and goals and dreams. And I felt like I was on the outside looking in because I didn’t have that experience. So then it, ⁓ I teetered back and forth between feeling.

feeling like I had some people I could be vulnerable to and then not wanting to be vulnerable at all because I felt like there must be something wrong with me if the people that are supposed to love me and be a part of my life are not, ⁓ they don’t appreciate that or love that about me. And so then I go to the opposite of like, don’t let anybody in, know, just be very hyper independent. And that’s not even the case. I’m not hyper independent. you know, I feel like I’m probably more codependent than hyper independent, but.

It makes the things that our normal life experiences very confusing because you’re like, can’t talk to somebody about how I feel about this or what I’m going through or how this is difficult or something that’s really hurtful to me because if I’ve been trained to think my whole life that feeling strong feelings for any reason, even if it’s valid is wrong, ⁓ then surely nobody will appreciate that about me. And I must just learn how to get over it and not have feelings at all.

Jen Cudmore (11:02)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think on a

practical level, there’s things like we don’t learn how to have a healthy relationship. We don’t learn how to form appropriate boundaries in relationships. We, ⁓ for me, huge was like striving for approval. Well, if I get good grades, then they’ll like me better and they’ll show their love better. And it’s not like we intentionally set out to do that. It’s like under, you know, below the surface in the back of our mind kind of thing. But that’s where people pleasing comes in or the idea of performance orientation. If I don’t

Rosalynn Lasley (11:30)
Yeah. Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (11:36)
succeed at A, B, and C, then I’m not lovable or I’m not worthy. ⁓ I think ⁓ sometimes I’ve seen people take on a sense of over responsibility, like where they they’ve got to take care of other people too much, even to the point of neglecting themselves. just in general, lot of struggling with self-worth and not truly

accepting God’s love or trusting God because how our parents act in our childhood tends to shape our view of God. I know for me, ⁓ one thing specifically was that, and I would maybe call this a good side effect in that, when Tim and I got married, we talked about, are the things we didn’t like about our childhood that we wanna do different for our kids. And so it’s not that.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:00)
Yeah. Yeah.

next.

Jen Cudmore (12:24)
everything

is always bad and you’re going to have a horrible life because of some of the mistakes your parents made. That’s not it at all. It’s that, you know, we learn from it, we grow from it, and we try not to keep passing on those cycles down through the generations. you know, for example, I had one parent who told me a lot.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:35)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (12:43)
how much I was loved and then one person, one parent who never said it. And so that was one thing

that I decided is I’m gonna tell my kids all the time how much I love them because I never want them to doubt it. And I did it a lot when they were little. As I got older, I think we, I don’t know, I just sort of ⁓ phased out, not intentionally, but so yeah, so sometimes we can look at that and say, you know what, I’m gonna make some good out of something that kind of felt bad or felt, you know, maybe it wasn’t.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:52)
Yeah.

Yes.

And it’s, yeah, it’s

interesting because, you know, my mom was very affectionate. She did say she loved me a lot. She still does. ⁓ But it was like when push came to shove and I needed somebody to like go below the surface with and really dive into these difficult things or big feelings, I did not feel like I was safe to do that. ⁓ And so that can get messy and confusing too, because you think, well,

Jen Cudmore (13:15)
Yeah.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:35)
I just took it on as there must be something wrong with me. Why can’t I have thicker skin? Why can’t I navigate this differently? There must be a flaw in me because I’m not able to turn it off. I’m not able to not feel big feelings. ⁓ But yeah, my mom was very much, know, and I love you and a very affectionate person. So that can get very confusing.

Jen Cudmore (13:41)
Mm.

I can see that. ⁓ And so, I mean, but also do you feel like that was in some ways helpful because you were get some of some of your needs met to a certain extent, like you were having physical touch and you were being affirmed to an extent. So yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:14)
Yeah, yeah,

definitely. And what’s interesting too is in, you know, I’d never heard of emotionally absent until I was starting to try and work through like, why am I the way that I am? Why do I struggle with these things? ⁓ I started to realize that in some ways I have been emotionally absent for my own children, which was a very hard pill to swallow. There was a book that I was listening to. ⁓

Jen Cudmore (14:35)
⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (14:40)
I think it’s the emotionally absent mother or something like that. There’s something about emotional absence, but as I’m listening to it, trying to make sense of ⁓ how I was, ⁓ I don’t know if developed is the right word, but how I became who I am because of the emotional absence in my own family. I, more than any of that, I identified like, that’s what I’m doing to my kids. That’s what I’m doing to my kids. That’s what I’m doing to my kids. And so it was very sobering and really, honestly, it was very hard and I still haven’t.

fully figured all of that out because it’s like, how do I be a different mom? How do I be the mom that I needed, but also the mom that my kids need because what I need and what they need are gonna be different. ⁓ And so, you know, in trying to unravel all of that, I’ve been able to identify like my parents may have been emotionally unavailable for me because their parents were emotionally unavailable for them. And so it’s like,

Jen Cudmore (15:36)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (15:38)
How can they practice something that they never had modeled for them?

Jen Cudmore (15:41)
Absolutely.

if they’re not taught how to connect, if they’re not taught how to show love in the right ways, ⁓ it’s not necessarily their fault that they were like that to us. ⁓ I think that a piece of that too is learning love languages because we all receive and give love in different ways. And so what works best for your specific child, not only

their personality, but also there’s, I’ve found there’s different seasons of life where they, their love language kind of shifts a little bit. So I would suggest that that’s true for most everybody is in different seasons, you need love shown in different types of ways. And so definitely there’s, there’s different factors. I feel like though, ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (16:10)
.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (16:29)
I feel like this isn’t a topic that’s talked about much and I don’t know if it’s just because I’m not in the right circles, but I just want to really just hone in on the fact that I feel like this is normal. I feel like pretty much every person grows up with some degree because no parent is perfect. There is a certain amount of not getting your needs met in the right ways as a child. And so I just really want to normalize that.

Rosalynn Lasley (16:45)
Thank you.

Jen Cudmore (16:54)
discussion. Like it’s okay to talk about this. It’s okay to say, yeah, my parents weren’t perfect. Who cares? I don’t hold that against them. ⁓ And validate that people are going to struggle with that balance. I know for me, when I first ⁓ came to the realization that there was a certain

Rosalynn Lasley (16:54)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (17:13)
My mom was a very loving person very lots of hugs lots of you know kisses affirmations But when I came to the realization that there was some neglect there like I that was a hard pill to swallow for me like to say out loud my mom had neglected me it just did not feel right at all and so I think there’s a certain amount of That where we need to validate that it’s okay to say those things because it doesn’t label them as a bad parent

Rosalynn Lasley (17:27)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (17:42)
It’s just a little bit of truth that they made a mistake. And so I want to throw that out there. Like if you’ve had an experience where it is difficult for you to say out loud, you know what? My parent made this mistake. ⁓ And how could that jive in my head when she was so good over here, but then not so great over here? Like, guess what? We’re all that way. We’re all good in this area, but maybe not this area. So it’s normal, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (17:42)
Right.

Thanks.

Right? Well, and ⁓ sometimes it’s more of like, why? Like once I can understand the why behind behaviors or experiences, it takes so much sting out of it. It’s not because I’m not enough. It’s not because I’m flawed. It’s not because I’m not loved. It’s because the way that she was raised in her present circumstances, being a single parent to three kids was hard. And so she gave it what she could.

But, you know, when I put myself in her shoes and think, I don’t know how I would handle, you know, what she dealt with when we were kids. No, I would be completely emotionally unavailable too. Like, because it’s taking everything you can just to navigate the day to day. And so once you stop blaming them, you can try and, you know, forgiveness is letting go of blame and starting to heal from that because yes, she may have not been exactly what I needed, but

Jen Cudmore (18:43)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:04)
Is it now my responsibility to carry that the rest of my life? Like, no, I’m responsible for what I do with it from here.

Jen Cudmore (19:13)
Totally, 100%. So like to choose to stay in that place of bitterness and resentment instead of saying, hey, this hurt. I wish they would have done a little differently, but you know what? I’m not gonna let that ruin the rest of my life. I’m gonna choose to forgive and let this roll off. It doesn’t have to, like you said, you don’t have to carry it the rest of your life. I think that’s huge. think that it’s important to…

realize that every human or every child is designed by God to have that need for emotional connection. if, you know, we desire affection, we desire validation, that’s not wrong. That’s not weak to want that. Even into adulthood, those are normal, natural desires. That’s part of how God created us. That’s who he created us to be. The issue is, okay, if you didn’t get those needs met,

how do you move forward in a healthy manner, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (20:05)
Yeah, and I think, ⁓ I don’t know, I just, it was very eye-opening to me to realize that it affected my relationship with God, but in some ways it was in my hands that I let it affect my relationship with God. So it was kind of a messy time to unravel what that looked like because it’s like, yes, I was hurt. Yes, I wasn’t sure what that looked like. Yes, it kind of,

Jen Cudmore (20:17)
Mm.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:31)
made me feel like, well, God must not be able to handle who I really am, or maybe he made a mistake in who I really am, or I feel like I have to be a perfect Christian and do things exactly the perfect way, otherwise he’s not gonna find me worthy either. ⁓ then there’s healing in knowing that there’s nothing that I can do to make God love me more and nothing that I can do to make God love me less. And really that’s the same for our parents.

Jen Cudmore (20:47)
you

yeah, there’s so much about that that affects our relationship with the Lord. That’s so important that we dig into that and understand why do I view God this way? it’s because of my childhood. That’s an extremely important part of our faith journey, I believe. ⁓ But I think that it…

Like I just want to offer hope in saying that just because you didn’t receive that as a kid doesn’t mean that you’re stuck there either like we do have a responsibility and a choice we don’t sit back and stay in that place of blame but you know God is a perfect father and he notices every tear every hurt like everything and

He can fill that void in us if we will choose to let him, if we will lean into that relationship and give him our hearts. He can meet those unmet needs in the way that we need it right now. He can fix it, essentially, fix that brokenness that happened to us as a child. But we have to choose to walk that with him. We have to take it to him, deal with the things, and open our hearts. ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (21:36)
Right.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (21:57)
Yeah, earthly parents are not perfect. God knew that going in and he was perfectly prepared to help us get healing from that because he’s not worried about it. Like it’s to him, it’s not a huge deal. And so it doesn’t have to be to us either. So let’s talk about some steps to overcoming. Tell me your thoughts on some things that we can do to move forward.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:19)
I think for me, you have to have some sort of vulnerability and the ability to be safe if you’re trying to fix this with your parents because not all parents are receptive. And so thankfully my mom, you know, in the years of healing that she’s done and really trying to navigate, you know, what she could have done differently, but not beating herself up over it either. ⁓ if you can’t find that healing with your parents, whether they’re

Jen Cudmore (22:28)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:48)
not in your life or they’re not in the place where they can walk through this with you. ⁓ It’s, and it sounds cliche, but really like giving it to the Lord as many times as you need to like, Lord, this hurt me. And I’m struggling with, you know, taking my identity on ⁓ the way that I was not having my needs met as a child. And I continue to perpetuate those feelings. Like, how do you, how do I walk away from this? How do I heal from this? How do I learn to genuinely forgive and let go?

Jen Cudmore (23:16)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:17)
And for me, the biggest thing was in how I viewed God, it’s still challenging at times to view him as a perfect father because I don’t know what that looks like. And I’m certainly not a perfect mother, but I can look at his love for me and the way that I love my children and the way that I desire to do good, even when I fail, because I do feel them. And I very regularly ask them, what can I do to love you differently? How have I hurt you and not?

Jen Cudmore (23:26)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:45)
tried to make it right. Is there something that I’m doing that’s not meeting your needs because I want to fix it if there is. And you know, sometimes they have suggestions and sometimes they don’t and maybe they don’t even know. But all of that to say when I look at, you know, when my kids are sad, I want to comfort them. When my kids are scared, I want to protect them. When my kids are in need, I want to meet that need. When my kids are excited, I want to experience that with them.

Jen Cudmore (23:49)
Hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:13)
And so I’m able to view my relationship with God from how I feel as a parent and what my desire is for my children, even if I don’t always get it right. And so that helps me view my relationship with my parents and God as my parent and knowing that if my desires for my family are this way, certainly my parents had desires that were similar, even if they weren’t good at living it out. And God the Father,

is infinitely greater at wanting to love and comfort and provide and protect and find joy. And he’s excited over me. And we think about the way that we hold our perfect little babies when they’re born and like, there’s no greater joy. And so that’s how God delights in me.

Jen Cudmore (25:02)
Right. I love that you said all that. Like the more time that we spend with him, the more time that we choose to get to know him. Like we learn just how much he loves us, how much he delights in us. And that is huge to receive his love and walk in it. And, you know, we say Christian phrases and we’re like, what does that really mean? Like, what does it mean to walk in God’s love, to live loved? And I think it is hard to make it tangible, but really just, ⁓

Refining yourselves of the truth and scripture of who he is and how he treats you when you do have conversations with him or when things happen in your life and you include him and you will see that he responds with such joy and such delight. It’s crazy to think that anybody could delight in imperfect me, right? Isn’t it crazy? But he does. And so, yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (25:52)
Right. Yeah. And I don’t have to work to earn that.

It’s just, it just is. yeah. And that, that is mind blowing. Like I don’t have to do anything to earn this love. It just is, you know, and I think there are people too, like they may not, you may not have children. And so you’re like, well, I can’t redefine how I view God as a father from a role of parenthood because I’m not a parent.

Jen Cudmore (25:58)
It’s already there. Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (26:16)
Well, there has got to be either someone or something on this earth that you love beyond measure. Maybe it’s a pet. Like I think about my daughters and they love their dogs so much they can’t like if they could just hold them the rest of their lives and the dogs would never get down. They would. And so it’s like, okay, maybe you don’t have kids, but you have something in your life that you love beyond measure where there are no words to explain it that.

and so much more is how great the Father’s love is for you. Like your dog didn’t have to earn your love, you just love her. You know, when she’s nodding, she’s gone potty on the floor, you still love her. Like when she stinks and you know, she’s being too rough when she’s playing, you still love her. And so, you know, when we’re flawed and we’re imperfect and when we’ve failed our own children, God’s love for us is still.

there and it’s infinitely greater than we can ever think or explain.

Jen Cudmore (27:15)
You said that so well. I love it. I think that was just beautiful. And I also want to point out, I want to go back really quick to what you said about how you have approached your children and said, hey, how can I love you better? I love that. I never did that. And I think that that’s beautiful. And I definitely would challenge a listener like, hey, if you’ve never done that, go do that. In fact, I’m planning to now go do that. I will make sure I do that this week because I think that’s important. Give them a chance to be like, acknowledge

you know, parent wasn’t perfect and if there’s something I can do better, I would sure like to. I have definitely prayed, Lord, help me to love my kid the way they need it in this season, especially when they left home and I was learning how to live that empty nest life. I was like, okay, Lord, how do I love them in this season? But to actually go to them and ask them, I think that’s really beautiful. So I love that you said that.

Rosalynn Lasley (28:06)
And I think, well,

yeah, and, you know, even though I say that, it’s not like I’ve got it figured out because I still have to work on my relationship with them to the place that they can be honest when they answer that question. And we, don’t know that we’ve fully gotten there, you know, like I continue to ask them and I can continue to show them that I genuinely want to know. ⁓ but until I provide the quiet of the safety and the reassurance and the

Jen Cudmore (28:11)
Right.

for credit basing.

Rosalynn Lasley (28:35)
consistency that they need to be able to be honest. You they may not. There may be something that they don’t feel they can tell me yet. Like, you really hurt me in this way, but I don’t feel like you’re ready to hear the truth. But I’m going to continue to try because I genuinely want to love them well, even if I don’t quite know what that looks like.

Jen Cudmore (28:55)
Hmm, I love it. That’s so good. So ⁓ more practical steps of just like, how can we overcome our parents mistakes from childhood? I mean, we’ve talked about this in other episodes. In general, when something comes up in life, you got to number one, acknowledge it. Hey, this happened. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. But I think it’s important not to minimize the fact that we do have some pain from childhood that some of our needs were not met.

we were designed to crave that love and affection, that ⁓ safe environment, like to be heard and seen in all the things. And if we don’t get it, there will definitely be an ache. So let’s address the truth of it. Yeah, it was painful. ⁓ We don’t brush it under the rug. We don’t minimize it. We face it. But we also don’t go to them and be like, how dare you treat me like this way, right? I mean, that’s not the right way. That’s not how we acknowledge it. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (29:27)
Yeah.

Yes.

Right.

Well, I think of people that have had really incredible parents where like I can think of women from my perspective, like within my sphere of influence where I’m like, I cannot imagine them doing anything not perfect as a parent. You know, their kids would tell you like, I have the best mom, she’s amazing, she’s never failed me. But then they expect that level of perfection from other people and then they’re feeling failed. And so even if your parents were like really crushing it, maybe that’s it.

Jen Cudmore (30:00)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:17)
unrealistic expectations for perfection for other people in your life.

Jen Cudmore (30:22)
And I think also grieving the pain of what happened to us as a child is really important. Like we’ve got to…

feel the hurt, like let the hurt have its way for a minute or two or however long, sometimes for some of us it’s deeper. so grieving that sadness, I think is an important step as well. at least that’s how it worked for me. I had to acknowledge it and say it out loud. I had to cry a bit and then, you know, really lean into God’s love and then make sure that I wasn’t perpetuating that cycle of neglect down through my family.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:42)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

And for me, like my parents are both still alive and I still, me and my mom’s in Alaska and I’m in Virginia, but you know, I do talk to my mom pretty regularly and there are still times where I’m like, she’s not quite there for me the way I would have liked. You know, I would still, I mean, I’m 41 years old, but I still need my mom. And there are times that she’s still not quite there the way that I feel like I need her or want her to be.

Jen Cudmore (30:58)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:18)
but I can be okay with knowing that she is who she is and she does love me and she is trying and she does care about me and does want me happy, healthy and loved even if she’s not able to meet my needs the way I have them. ⁓ I don’t have to continue to be hurt by that. I don’t have to take it personal anymore. It’s not because that I am not worthy of her love. It’s because she is who she is and we are all imperfect people.

You know, and like I would really want if it’s my kids who throughout their life, I’m not quite meeting their needs, but they know that I’m trying and that had I had more time and energy and emotional capacity to do it different, I would. And I think the same goes for her.

Jen Cudmore (32:06)
I remember this one time I went to, I was at church and I heard this sermon and the pastor, I don’t remember the context, but he said something about like, when we think of people, we want to believe the best about them and we want to focus on the good. We don’t focus on the couple things they did bad. We look at their entire life and we sum it up and we focus on what was good about them and what we got from it. And I remember at the day of that sermon, I had been upset at my dad about something. And I think it had to do with he didn’t

deal with one of my children the way that I would have wanted him to. I would have wanted him to be a little bit more caring ⁓ I remember being really convicted in that moment of thinking, okay, well…

If I look at my dad’s entire life, I mean, look at all this goodness about this man. immediately, I immediately let go of that resentment. I mean, in that situation, it only happened like a day or two before the sermon. But I like to think of that moment as I look forward and not just in my parents, but like in everybody. Look at, look at their whole life and what God did in them and through them. Don’t just look at the few times they were not their best self, because let’s face it, I don’t want to be judged by.

the few days I was not my best self, right? I want to be looked at for ⁓ where I succeeded and did well and where I was really leaning into who God wanted me to be. And so let’s give that to everybody else. When we think about the few mistakes that our parents made, let’s…

Rosalynn Lasley (33:22)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (33:36)
let’s say, okay, yeah, that really did happen, but here’s all the goodness of God in their life and how I was raised. So I think that’s an important tool that can help us as we move forward with healing and forgiveness.

Rosalynn Lasley (33:42)
Right. Absolutely.

Yeah, and I think I see that in my mom because she did not have emotionally available parents, or same with my dad, he didn’t have emotionally available parents. And yet I see like my mom and my aunts actively forgave my grandparents for the ways that they failed them and hurt them throughout their childhood. And that pain was far greater than my own and the circumstances were far ⁓ more difficult than my own. And so I like to think of it as like,

Jen Cudmore (34:06)
Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:17)
Yes, there is generational trauma, but I also actively see generational healing. And, my grandparents weren’t ⁓ the parents that my aunts and my mom needed, but they were great grandparents in my perspective. Like my most favorite person in the entire world, aside from my husband, is my grandma. And ⁓ I think that about my kids. They absolutely love my mom. She’s a wonderful grandma and she loves them well. And so…

Jen Cudmore (34:21)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:45)
I look forward to seeing that ⁓ healing continue and that forgiveness continue. And I’m hopeful that generations from now, we will continue to do the hard work and love our families well so that they don’t adopt their identity ⁓ from a place of hurt, but from a place of healing and love. And they draw their perspective of who they are and who God is from a place that’s been healed.

Jen Cudmore (35:10)
Yeah.

And I love that you mentioned, ⁓ you know, that how did you word it? Something about learning to be okay with where your parent is at right now. And that it’s okay that if they’re not, ⁓ if they’re still at this point in your life, not the perfect parent because they are trying to think that one of the sweetest memories I have of my dad was either the last phone call I had with him or the one right before it. I just remember him being so thrilled that I called and he never liked being on the phone, but that most

was really special to me because I could tell he genuinely was really happy to chat with me for a minute and that I had called him and just thinking about how you know the last 20-30 years of his life maybe he was we didn’t have the relationship that I would have wanted but I had made peace with that like it didn’t bother me anymore like and so I feel so ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (35:58)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (36:04)
so thankful that I could get to that place where I could be like, ⁓ it’s okay that he didn’t meet my expectations. it’s okay that he wasn’t the type of dad that I would have wanted him to be because that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about my opinion and what I want. It’s about making the most of what you have now. And so I just want to encourage everybody as we wrap up like,

Rosalynn Lasley (36:20)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (36:27)
⁓ It’s okay if you don’t ever have that relationship with your parents that you would have wanted You can still make the most of what you do have and it can still be really beautiful because God can redeem anything and God can give you that peace and that place of Security that I’m okay with this. I’m okay with ⁓ Where we are right now. So do you have any other ⁓ thoughts around that before we wrap up?

Rosalynn Lasley (36:54)
Well, and I would think there are parents out there who are never going to be good parents. Maybe they’ve hurt in ways that we can’t even fathom. It is okay that you don’t have the storybook ending to ⁓ a relationship with your parents and maybe they failed you in every possible way. I just want you to know that it’s not because you weren’t worthy of being loved the way that you should have been.

Jen Cudmore (37:02)
Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:19)
And while it’s hard to understand how deep the Heavenly Father’s love is for you, it is exactly the opposite of every way that you’ve ever been hurt.

Jen Cudmore (37:29)
and that leads me to our final reflection as you go about your week, here’s your truth for the week. Your parents may not have given you the emotional connection that you necessarily needed, but God can reparent your heart. And I just love that phrase because he can restore what you missed out on. He can teach you how to live free, live whole and live loved. So lean into that this week. Bye everybody, thanks.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:54)
Yes, thank you.