E50 Living Unoffended: How To Let Go Of Bitterness and Respond Like Jesus

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
Ask yourself this question, do I get easily offended over things other people do that I don’t like or agree with? And don’t just brush off this question. Far too many believers are easily offended and that is not Christ-like. Far too many relationships are needlessly destroyed over offense and bitterness just because somebody didn’t get their way in a situation. Holding onto offense and bitterness affects your quality of life and can even make you physically ill.

So if you want to reach more people with the gospel, if you want to be more successful at your calling, you have to choose to quickly let go of offense. Today we’re talking about how to live unaffended. So stick around.

Welcome this is the show where we go below the surface I’ve got Roslyn with me here today again my favorite partner So this week I got a text from a friend of mine and I had I had asked her a question

Rosalynn Lasley (01:26)
Hi, everyone.

Jen Cudmore (01:36)
on a schedule issue and when she replied to me she made an assumption about the situation and called me out for not handling it properly and my immediate reaction was well I got really upset and it was at the end of the day so you know I’m tired and whatnot so I decided to sleep on it ⁓ but because I knew that I was ⁓

upset a little bit. I could tell I was overreacting to it and I was like, well, I’m not going to answer her tonight. But my first thought process was like, how dare she make these assumptions and try to tell me that I have this problem that I didn’t actually have. When she didn’t ask me questions, she didn’t get all the facts. So she had misinterpreted the situation. So maybe part of that was on me. But my response was ⁓

you know, getting offended like that hurt my feelings. really I let that bother me. I thought, well, why didn’t she pray first or why didn’t she ask the Lord like that response wasn’t spirit led, right? And so I really wanted to respond and put her in her place and be like, look, here’s what’s really happening and you are out of line and, kind of give her a piece of my mind. And I made myself pray about it for a couple hours because I was like, I am not going to respond out of my flesh. I’m going to respond out of love.

Rosalynn Lasley (02:39)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (02:55)
And God really got me to a place of ⁓ seeing her heart for the situation. And yeah, maybe she had misread it, but her intentions were good. She cares about me. She was only challenging me because she thought it was the right thing to do. And so I was able to respond the next morning ⁓ with the help of the Lord, right? And not just out of my emotions and my flesh. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:17)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (03:20)
Anyhow, just the idea of offense and bitterness has been on my mind for a couple of days. So I thought, let’s tackle this because this is actually kind of a big deal. And I think a lot of Christians can easily fall into the trap of ⁓ thinking, that’s not me. I forgive. I don’t hold grudges and things like that. But actually, we do hold onto offense without realizing it. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:25)
Yeah.

Yeah, I think that is a common struggle for a lot of people. ⁓ And for me, in so many ways of being offended or even sometimes bitter, it feels justified. ⁓ And the reality is offense and bitterness and I mean, the initial reaction doesn’t have to be where we stay. But at the bottom of it, it’s really a choice. ⁓ We can have hurt feelings, but what we do with that is up to us. And if we decide

to carry it around, really the only person we’re hurting is ourselves.

Jen Cudmore (04:16)
Absolutely, absolutely. you ⁓ know, and one of the things that I think about is I don’t want to be that person that’s easily offended. I don’t want to be that person who holds on to bitterness and I don’t want to become critical and judgmental because that’s not Jesus, right? And I want if I want to be like Jesus, then I need to be forgiving and I need to choose to not let things bother me. ⁓ Because the truth is those if we hold on to that, it’s going to hinder everything in our life.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:32)
Thank you.

Jen Cudmore (04:46)
Like it’s going to hinder our kingdom assignments. Like we’re not going to be able to show up as our best self. We’re not going to be able to serve others as well. Like there’s so many ways that this can cause us problems. And ⁓ so it’s better to like begin practicing and really intentionally choosing not to hold on to those things because that’s how we become the best version of ourselves and we show Jesus to other people. So ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (04:46)
Right.

Right, and if

we’re acting from a place of hurt, bitterness, and offense, ⁓ it really impacts the way that we interact with people, you know, and other people may think, I don’t really want to deal with her because she’s always offended by something, she’s always upset by something, or, you know, I feel like I can never say or do the right thing by her, and so it’s easier to avoid her than to try and walk on eggshells all the time.

Jen Cudmore (05:28)
That’s right.

Absolutely. I mean, I don’t want to be that person that people are afraid to be around or don’t like to be around because I’m mad all the time or I get my feelings hurt easily or like, you whatever. just it shows up in different ways. But yeah, that’s not who God called us to be. Right. So first, I want to start off with just the premise, like, let’s just make sure that we are clear. Getting offended is not a sin. So even this the scripture talks about how

Rosalynn Lasley (05:53)
No, definitely not.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (06:05)
Offense is going to come. It says in Luke 17 verse 1, Jesus was telling his disciples, it is impossible that no offenses should come. Like we just live in a fallen world. You’re going to get upset. You’re going to get offended. You’re going to have righteous indignation over certain things. Having that happen isn’t the issue. The issue is what we do with it. Are we going to hold on to it? Are we going to get judgmental and critical and

Rosalynn Lasley (06:15)
Thank

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (06:30)
Whatever, mean, even Jesus got offended ⁓ when he flipped the tables, those merchant tables in the temple. ⁓ that was a little, it kind of sounds over the top, but ⁓ that was righteous indignation. There’s going to be times where you see an injustice and it’s going to upset you and that’s good. But it’s what we do with it. And then further down in verse four of that Luke chapter 17, it talks about how we need to forgive people 70 times seven. And we’re going to get into forgiveness in a minute.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:34)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (06:58)
But ⁓ I just wanted to be clear from the beginning that it’s not wrong to be offended. It’s how we respond and what we do with it.

Rosalynn Lasley (07:07)
Right.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (07:09)
So let’s talk about, ⁓ let’s give a couple examples Rosalind because you know we’re not perfect. I kind of shared a story but here’s another one. I have this friend who has become a really good friend actually, but ⁓ she used to give me advice all the time. Like I swear every time we got on the phone or sent a message to each other it was like

Rosalynn Lasley (07:16)
No.

Jen Cudmore (07:33)
Every time I turned around, I felt like she was trying to fix me and tell me how to do something. And I was like, what is wrong with this girl? Like, where did she get the impression that I need her to tell me how to live my life? And so I used to actually get really angry over it. ⁓ know, assumptions were made over how I should or shouldn’t handle just the different areas of my life. And she wanted me to behave in a certain way or handle situations a certain way.

that she thought was best and those things legit worked well for her, but everybody has a different personality. I think of the analogy of everybody loads the dishwasher differently, right? So what matters is not where you put the cups and bowls and plates. What matters is do they come out clean or do they not, right? So ⁓ I really was like, why does she keep trying to tell me what to do and assuming that I don’t know what to do or that I’m going to make a mistake and not do it right.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:11)
Thank

All right.

Jen Cudmore (08:28)
And so I used to get really angry about, man, this woman’s so arrogant. She thinks she’s so much smarter than me. Like it was really difficult for me. mean, I had a hard time with her. was probably like a year for me to really work through this and not let that bother me because I kept taking it personally. I would take it as a personal attack, like, you know, how dare she? And I would let that interfere with our friendship. And looking back, I sure wish that I would have been a whole lot more patient with her and understanding.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:33)
Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (08:57)
That was a tough one for me. What about you? Give us an example.

Rosalynn Lasley (09:01)
have a couple. So years and years ago when one of my kids was pretty little, was, thankfully, it was a blessing and it was a challenge to be able to bring my kids to work with me. And so, you know, while I’m working through, you know, a busy time at work, I was also trying to be a mom with a small child. And I struggled with a little bit of postpartum depression and anxiety when I had her. And I had a friend that I think one of her love languages was quality time.

And I had kids when we met, but she didn’t. She was actually single when we met. And eventually she became a wife and a mom, but we were just always at different stages in life. And so she wanted my undivided attention and quality time, and she would often ask to hang out. And she would say, I wanna hang out with just you. And I’m thinking, I’d like to hang out with just me too, but it’s really not an option. ⁓ And at one point, I mean…

Jen Cudmore (09:55)
Yeah. ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (09:57)
I understand where she was coming

from because she just wanted to spend time with me where my attention wasn’t divided, but I didn’t have that attention to give. ⁓ And she’d asked, I can’t remember the full scope of things, but she had asked to spend time with me, just me. And I was like, I’m sorry, I’m so overwhelmed. I just really don’t have the extra time and the baby’s not sleeping and I’m struggling through nursing and work has been overwhelming and blah, blah. And she said something like,

well, your priorities are out of order. And to her they were because I wasn’t making her my priority. And so I must have been overwhelmed because my priorities were out of order. And honestly, that was a defining moment in our friendship and it really changed everything because she couldn’t see why I was overwhelmed and no, my priorities weren’t out of order. I was putting my family first and as hard as it was and as much as it hurt her that ⁓

Jen Cudmore (10:41)
and

Rosalynn Lasley (10:53)
I wasn’t able to carve out time for undivided attention with friendships at that season of my life. ⁓ Her response was extremely offensive and, you know, really in the end we were both hurt because I couldn’t give her what she needed from me and I couldn’t make time for a friend that couldn’t see how I was drowning and offer anything to help aside from just telling me I had it all wrong.

Jen Cudmore (10:59)
Mm.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:19)
And I spent so many years thinking, okay, well, once she gets married, she’ll understand, and she didn’t. And once she has her own family, she’ll understand, and she never did. But it was hard because I thought, if I did have the littlest bit of time to carve out with my undivided attention, is that where I wanted to invest it? Did I want to invest it in a friend that couldn’t see ⁓ how hard I was trying and why I was overwhelmed? ⁓ And then another time for me, ⁓

Jen Cudmore (11:42)
Yeah. True.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:47)
I’m pretty introverted, which those that are closest to me would disagree with you, but I really am. ⁓ If I’m comfortable with people, I can be extroverted, but for the most part, I’m pretty introverted. So when people invite me to do things, there’s often times where I’m like, I don’t really want to go. But then they would stop inviting me. And so then that hurt my feelings because it’s like I didn’t actually want to go, but I wanted to be included. I wanted to be thought of.

And they figured, well, why am going to keep asking you if you’re always going to say no? And so, you know, I was offended that they were leaving me out, but I, you know, in hindsight, I can understand why they did or where they were coming from. ⁓ And then my third example would be with ⁓ work. You know, our firm is very big on giving feedback. So, ⁓ you know, we all try and weigh in on things that we’re doing well and things that we can improve on.

And recently there was a feedback session related to me and the overall feedback was that I was doing good, but somebody had mentioned something. I’ve offended somebody, I don’t know who or how, but it was enough that they talked to my boss about it. And so my boss said, I want to just frame it in the sense of know your audience and ⁓ be aware of the platinum rule, which is treat others how they want to be treated.

But I’m thinking, what do I do with that? And so I’d asked her, okay, well, I know that you have to be vague so that way it doesn’t make an uncomfortable situation where somebody feels like, you know, I’m responding to them because, you know, their feedback wasn’t anonymous or whatever. But is it anything that I can fix or anything that I could work on? Because I’m thinking if I’m doing something that’s offending people, I want the opportunity to make it right. ⁓ And she said, I don’t know how to frame it in a way. ⁓

to give you any more context than just what I did. And so then now I’m like, I feel on edge at work, because I don’t know what I’ve done or to who, and I don’t have any way of knowing how to fix it. And so if we think about acting from a place of offense ⁓ or bitterness, and other people feel that way around us, like how uncomfortable. They haven’t addressed it with me, but they’ve talked to somebody else about it.

Jen Cudmore (13:42)
much. Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:59)
And so I don’t have the opportunity to make it right or even just know like, am I being too sarcastic for somebody that’s very serious? Or am I not acknowledging somebody that feels like I should be engaging with them more? Like it makes my imagination run wild, but I feel uneasy now because I don’t know who I’ve offended and I have no way of knowing how to make it right. And so how often do we do that to other people? We go and talk to others about how we’ve been hurt or offended.

Jen Cudmore (13:59)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:26)
Well, we don’t actually address it or give people the ability to choose if it’s something that they can fix and work on to be able to maintain their relationship with us.

Jen Cudmore (14:36)
That is such good insight. I hadn’t thought about that side of it too. Yeah, I don’t want to

offend people ⁓ and hurt their feelings. So definitely trying to have a soft heart around that and asking the Lord to convict you and to give you insight over situations so that you don’t ⁓ cause problems unintentionally for sure. That’s a good point. So let’s talk about what it looks like to live offended and bitter. I feel like ⁓ a lot of us just

Rosalynn Lasley (14:55)
Right.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (15:10)
It’s so easy to say, that’s not me. I forgive people. I don’t hold grudges. I remember when the Lord first started teaching me ⁓ just what a critical judgemental person I had become. I was shocked because I didn’t see it. I didn’t recognize that I was getting easily offended over things. And I think that there’s a lot of Christians that are the same. Like they don’t recognize that God doesn’t appreciate us getting upset so quickly over things that he wants us to

Rosalynn Lasley (15:23)
Thank

Jen Cudmore (15:40)
to be quick to let go, right? Slow to anger, how does that Bible verse go? ⁓ Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger. I believe that’s in the book of James. And ⁓ it’s so easy for us to be the opposite of that, right? So what would you say, what does it look like to live offended and bitter?

Rosalynn Lasley (15:56)
Yeah.

Man, I think it’s just the critical lens that we look at things. Either it’s the critical way that we look at other people, maybe the way that they dress or the way that they speak or the activities that they have, or when somebody has hurt us, we start almost like punishing them indefinitely for the ways that they’ve overstepped or the ways that they’ve hurt us rather than deciding, is this worth being this upset about without

Jen Cudmore (16:11)
you

Rosalynn Lasley (16:30)
trying to take an active action of repairing whatever it may be. I think there’s people that just kind of live in a place where they’re bitter. Anything that goes wrong is, you know, it’s an attack, it’s intentional, it’s things that like, well, they’re doing that because, you know, they feel less about me or whatever it may be, but they’re not able to look at circumstances any other way than a direct attack on them as people.

Jen Cudmore (16:57)
It definitely affects your lens of situations and people and like your perspective becomes skewed and you don’t realize it. think in extreme cases, it can be like you’re avoiding that person that upset you or you even cut them out of your life because you’re so offended. So instead of trying to cooperate, instead of trying to restore the relationship and come to a mutual understanding of can we agree to disagree on this, ⁓ I think far too quickly.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:25)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (17:27)
We just cut people out and now.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:29)
Right.

⁓

Jen Cudmore (17:30)
Let me just pause here and say, sometimes we do need to cut

people out because they can be toxic or destructive. Boundaries can be necessary at certain times, but I do think we apply them to liberal, to liberally at times. We get upset with something the pastor said, so we leave the church or, you know, we stopped going to that small group because somebody said something we didn’t agree with. I’m not sure that’s really what God wants from us. ⁓ But we do it because we want to prove our point or take a stand or, know,

Rosalynn Lasley (17:43)
But.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (18:01)
I think that especially in our culture, we can get so hung up on holding on to our rights. Like I have the right to whatever and I didn’t deserve this situation or or something along those lines and we can get really stuck on ourselves and we don’t realize that’s what we’re doing. we really want ⁓ justice or we say we want justice. But what we really want is people to acknowledge that we were right. We want to prove ⁓ that, you know, either

Rosalynn Lasley (18:17)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (18:31)
we didn’t do anything wrong or we want to come to our defense.

like in the the examples I gave, you know, I definitely wanted to put those ladies in their place and be like, how dare you treat me that way when I didn’t do anything wrong and whatever. And that comes from a place of pride that comes from a place of selfishness. That’s not love. And so ⁓ if you’re tempted to give people a piece of your mind, I would say that’s a really good clue that you’re holding on to offense and you need to have a conversation.

Rosalynn Lasley (18:49)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (19:02)
with the Lord about how to respond to that situation.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:04)
Yeah. Well,

and I think, you know, when we have a culture of social media, we are very, we are able to share what we think and how we feel and which ways are we are offended all day, every day. And it’s become the norm. ⁓ You know, people are constantly sharing their opinions and situations that they think are handled wrong or

people they disagree with and then they’re arguing in the Commons with complete strangers that they would never have this conversation with face to face. And so then we see other people’s opinions all day every day and then we’re constantly offended and we’re deciding that we no longer want to associate with people that we genuinely cared about because of how they felt about politics or voting or certain rights and things like that.

Offense is almost seeking us out these days. Like we don’t have to go look for opportunities to be offended. It’s right there every single time we open our phones. And ⁓ these are conversations we wouldn’t have with most people very often if ever. And yet now it’s really dividing our country. It’s dividing our families. It’s dividing our relationships. It’s dividing our churches.

Jen Cudmore (20:02)
Yeah.

Yep.

Okay.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:24)
And ⁓ then we feel so inclined to speak up and share our two cents ⁓ because we’re offended, because we’re seeing everybody else doing the same thing. And that’s not biblical either. Like the Bible tells us that we need to tame our tongue, which, you know, that extends to posting on social media. It talks about having self-control. And when we’re blowing up and sharing everything and commenting and arguing with complete strangers on the other side of the globe.

Jen Cudmore (20:41)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:54)
⁓ That’s not the self-control that the Bible is asking us to have and that’s challenging. Thankfully, it’s one of the things that I’ve worked really hard to overcome, but I would go on social media and vent about my work day or it would be vague but passive aggressive words like seeking people to reach out and ask what was wrong because I was so eager to complain or ⁓ share my offense with somebody else and ⁓ that was not.

Jen Cudmore (20:59)
you

Rosalynn Lasley (21:23)
biblical that was not Christlike, that was not healthy, even if there’s people that aren’t Christians that are listening. It’s not a healthy way to react. It’s not a healthy way to ⁓ conduct ourselves. But because it’s become so common, ⁓ we feel like we need to just jump right in and participate because it’s like everybody’s doing it.

Jen Cudmore (21:44)
For sure, feels normal, it feels like ⁓ this is just how you act when you’re upset about something. And it’s not, that’s not what the Bible tells us to do. says, the Bible tells us do all things without complaining. God doesn’t like it when we complain, right? And we talked about that on a different episode.

Rosalynn Lasley (21:48)
Mm-hmm.

Thank

Jen Cudmore (22:03)
I would say that if you are tempted to complain or tempted towards negativity and you want to badmouth somebody, that’s another clue that you’re holding onto offense and bitterness. And God doesn’t like it when we’re critical and judgmental of others. He doesn’t want us speaking badly about each other. If the first thing we want to do is go run and tell our friends, you won’t believe what so-and-so did. Like if we just can’t wait to tell other people,

Rosalynn Lasley (22:16)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (22:30)
look what happened, I can’t believe that this person behaved this way and I can’t believe this person treated me this way or whatever. That’s another big clue, like that’s coming from a place of…

⁓ I think I said pride earlier, but pride and selfishness, that’s not loving. ⁓ So the other Bible verse I was thinking is that talks about how love covers a multitude of sins. God doesn’t want us going and telling the world when other people sin against us. That is, he wants us to be quiet about it. He wants us to try to handle it in a mature ⁓ manner that can restore the relationship, not stir up trouble.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:45)
Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Right. And what is our intention? Like, I mean, there’s times where we need to speak to somebody that we can confide in that’s not going to decide that they’re going to be offended on our behalf, but help us navigate. Like, how do I handle this situation? How do I have a hard conversation and address this offense or, you know, like the divide in a friendship or, you know, this work situation where I have zero context about what I’ve done or how to make it right? Like, how do I navigate those conversations? Because I do have a desire to fix it.

Jen Cudmore (23:36)
second.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:38)
⁓ Who are we talking to? How are we seeking out answers? Are we seeking out answers? Are we just wanting people to ⁓ validate how we feel or validate our offense or change their perspective on how they feel about certain people because now they know that this person has mistreated us and so they’re going to be angry on our behalf. Like what are we doing the conversation because it’s not

Jen Cudmore (23:49)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:02)
necessarily a bad thing to speak with somebody else about what has happened if it feels like something beyond our ability to navigate. But what is our intention behind the conversation?

Jen Cudmore (24:10)
Yeah.

Absolutely. Sometimes we need to talk things out to process it. That’s why ⁓ I’ve started trying to go to the Lord in prayer first. Like, okay, God, I need to talk this out because I feel like my emotions are.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:17)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (24:26)
way out of proportion with what actually happened. so help me figure this out. I’ve learned how to talk things out with the Lord instead of having to go to other people. But definitely there’s sometimes where you do need to go to another person. You need a different perspective. You need someone that’s going to calm you down and help you see the full picture. That’s not just going to jump on the bandwagon and help you bad mouth that person that offended you, but to really help you see here’s what’s going on and here’s where you could have done different

differently

or however the situation calls for it. So yeah, you want to be careful who you talk to about it because your motive matters. Are you trying to respond well and please the Lord or are you just trying to get your way and get people on your side

Rosalynn Lasley (25:00)
huh.

scripture talks about that too? There’s it’s an infusions. It’s get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, and all forms of malice, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another’s as Christ has forgiven us. And so when we are offended, because that’s just naturally going to happen here and there, get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, and all forms of malice. Like, are we reacting from that place? And if not,

Jen Cudmore (25:19)
Yeah!

Rosalynn Lasley (25:38)
And if we don’t have the tools, we haven’t learned how to exercise that consistently where it becomes a normal part of our behavior. How do we start learning how to do that?

Jen Cudmore (25:47)
Great questions.

Rosalynn Lasley (25:48)
So you had just mentioned how it can affect our health and I was curious more about that.

Jen Cudmore (25:54)
⁓ I didn’t look up the data, but I know that bitterness can affect things like ⁓ cancer or if you have surgery, your recovery can be a lot slower, things of that nature. I don’t have the facts readily available, but it’s pretty easy thing to Google. There are studies that show the connection between certain illnesses and how much bitterness you carry. And when you go through a process of forgiveness, ⁓ your healing

Rosalynn Lasley (26:06)
Okay.

Jen Cudmore (26:23)
⁓ the pace of your healing goes faster exponentially. So unforgiveness and choosing to hold on to bitterness can keep you sick ⁓ and make your body not recover ⁓ when it’s trying to heal from something. that might be a good topic to cover at some time and dig deeper into that and look into some studies and some scriptures on that. ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (26:28)
It’s so interesting.

Yeah. Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (26:49)
So what do we do Roslyn when we realize my gosh I just took that personally that really hurt my feelings I’m really offended what how what’s the right next step when we recognize that we’re offended?

Rosalynn Lasley (27:04)
I know for me sometimes it’s hard to get out of that headspace of bitterness and offense. so sometimes all I can think to pray is, Lord, help me, Lord, help me, Lord, help me. Because it doesn’t feel good to be in that place, but sometimes it’s hard to reframe your thoughts. ⁓ And there very realistically is action that needs to take place for the situation to be remedied.

Jen Cudmore (27:16)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:29)
It’s not that we’re just like, okay, well, I just let everything go and I never get upset. I mean, that would be amazing. I would love that, but that’s not how I operate. And so I really do ask the Lord for help. you know, oftentimes I’ll ask, I’ll pray and say like, Lord, show me, like, who can I talk to about this in a way that’s not going to stir up more trouble? Because yes, it does feel good to have those have our back and

Jen Cudmore (27:38)
Hahaha!

Mm, that’s good.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:58)
validate the yucky ways we’re feeling or, ⁓ you know, I said this to that person, like, ooh, that’s a good one, you know, but really like for us to objectively, you know, correct and heal and move forward with the things that are really weighing us down, we do need to ask the Lord for help. And it seems so cliche and, you know, but it’s really true when I can’t get out of my own head, when my thoughts just keep wanting to go back to all the ways I want to write the way that I’ve been offended or.

and feeling bitter, Lord help me get out of this, because I don’t know how. Sometimes it’s just, distract my thoughts for a little bit, help me think about something else. ⁓ I don’t know, it’s just I really have to lean on the Lord for help because I have not yet gotten to the place where I’m able to do it in my own strength. I’m still a work in progress, I’m still learning how to not be bitter and offended.

Jen Cudmore (28:50)
Yeah.

No, those are such good points. I agree. And definitely ⁓ similar process for me. I’ve started trying to ask myself some questions. And like I said, I do tend to do this in more of like a prayer and a conversation with the Lord. like, OK, why is this bothering me so much?

Rosalynn Lasley (29:01)
No.

And.

Jen Cudmore (29:09)
Am I making some

wrong assumptions here? Do I have some wrong expectations of the situation or the person? Is this maybe pricking an old wound or like, is it triggering something in me that’s unhealed? Because that’s going to make me respond ⁓ inappropriately, right? So trying to pull back and like, get a bigger perspective of the situation, like get out of my feelings. ⁓ And sometimes you can do this in a few minutes, but most of the time this is going to take you a little bit of time.

Rosalynn Lasley (29:14)
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (29:39)
Like you need some space from the situation to better process it. So I definitely suggest waiting to respond if you can. ⁓ You can’t always because it might be in the moment. But ⁓ just do your best to try to pull back and be like, OK, what’s really going on here? Like, what’s the big picture? And then another thing I ask myself ⁓ is,

Rosalynn Lasley (29:48)
Yeah.

Now.

Jen Cudmore (30:04)
What matters more in this situation? What’s more important, that I get my way, that I prove my point, or the relationship, or the learning curve? It’s so easy, like I said, we get focused on ourselves and we’re like, wait a minute, and sometimes it is righteous indignation. Sometimes we were legit mistreated, but we still have to respond well. So those are some questions. And then another thought that I have ⁓ began

Rosalynn Lasley (30:06)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (30:33)
trying to ask is, so what does God say about this situation? Not, does my feelings say? Not, what does my heart say? How does he want me to handle this? ⁓ what’s the most important thing here? Because it could be that God allowed this to happen to point out some things in you that you need to get healed. ⁓ this could be an opportunity for that other

Rosalynn Lasley (30:38)
Yeah.

Thank

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (31:03)
person to grow. mean there’s so there’s so much more going on than just that thing and there’s a lot more at stake here than just that thing and so we really have to develop the practice of pulling back and being like okay let me just calm down for a minute and start thinking this through.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:13)
it.

Yeah.

And I think sometimes, you know, we hear that phrase, be the bigger person, but the reality is like, God is calling us to act different than the rest of the world. And so when you’re in a situation, depending on who it is, because Christians will hurt us too, but if we’re having an issue with somebody that’s not a believer, they are going to conduct themselves as somebody that is not a believer. The expectations of them are different.

Jen Cudmore (31:32)
That’s right.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:48)
because they’re not born again, because they don’t have the Holy Spirit dwelling in them. And so yes, God is asking us to be the brigger person. It doesn’t mean that we’re supposed to be a doormat and be walked all over, but they are going to react differently than we are expected to because they are different.

Jen Cudmore (32:05)
This is an opportunity for us to ⁓ portray Jesus and be an example and be a good witness. I think of the scripture that talks about, overcome evil with good. Okay, so even if they legit did something wrong and we were legit mistreated, we don’t fix it by being nasty back, right? That’s not the right behavior and that doesn’t honor the Lord. So ⁓ one last thought as we kind of

Rosalynn Lasley (32:13)
Bye.

Jen Cudmore (32:33)
up like how do you know that you’ve let it go so you want to forgive you want to get over it brush it off whatever term terminology we use ⁓ how do you know that you’re not holding on to a fence what are the signs or like you know what are the what does that look like

Rosalynn Lasley (32:38)
Thanks.

think for me it’s the next time I interact with that person or if I see them, is that their first thing that comes to mind? ⁓ Do I feel the need to talk about it? Do I still conduct myself in a way that shows that my feelings have been hurt? Am I avoiding conversation? Am I spending time with them? Am I being sharp or snarky ⁓ when having the opportunity to respond to them? ⁓ Do I still feel the need to talk about it?

Jen Cudmore (33:22)
another thing is that, ⁓ kind of along with what you were saying, I no longer have that desire or that urgent need to still defend myself because God is our defender, right? We need to let him handle it. He’s much better at it than we are anyway. So that temptation to, again, prove we’re right, can we?

Rosalynn Lasley (33:35)
Yeah. ⁓

Yeah, for sure.

Jen Cudmore (33:45)
can we, if we no longer feel that compulsion to where we’ve got to prove we’re right, to me that’s another sign that you’ve moved past it because you’re no longer like fighting to get your way or ⁓ prove yourself, that kind of

I think another thing too for me is I learned like, ⁓ if I no longer have emotion attached to it, which I think is really kind of what you were saying a minute ago is, can I approach that person or can I think of that situation and just be like, yeah, that thing happened and move on? Like instead of fixating on it, can I truly just brush it off? Because it is possible to be mistreated and to heal enough that when you think about that situation, it no longer bothers you and you no longer have like,

pain or anger or any sort of emotional response to it. And so to me that’s another sign of, okay I’ve truly moved past it, I’ve truly forgiven and let go because I’m not having any sort of response when I when I think about it or when I encounter that person.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:45)
Right.

Or do you still have those responses over the next situation? Like, are you offended by the next thing? Are you reading between the lines when they say something and ⁓ you’re now newly offended? Or is it that you’re able to kind of look at it from a clean slate as if this thing didn’t happen and you’re ⁓ not saying like, when they say this or that, then that was a jab towards me. You know, no, actually it wasn’t.

Jen Cudmore (34:52)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (35:14)
Everyone else that read that same email took it completely differently.

Jen Cudmore (35:14)
Yeah.

Right. And definitely, it’s good to point out to you, forgiveness is not forgetting. Sometimes you do have to set up some different boundaries with a person, but ⁓ forgiveness is, you

Rosalynn Lasley (35:27)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (35:31)
like the concept in the book of James how mercy triumphs over judgment. And so a lot of times, you know, we want vindication for the situation and the Lord’s like, ⁓ maybe I don’t want to punish them for what they did wrong. And ⁓ that can be hard to like, I think ⁓ on some of the bigger offenses, that can be a real struggle to surrender to the Lord and be like, okay, I don’t need them to be punished for what they did to me. And coming to that place where you’re no longer holding on to ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (35:43)
.

Right. So thank

Jen Cudmore (36:02)
It needs to be, how do I say this? Everybody needs to know that

I was right and they were wrong or however that looks for us.

Rosalynn Lasley (36:09)
Right.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (36:10)
I just know for me on some of the bigger situations where my feelings were hurt pretty badly, it was

very difficult to let go of that and say, you know what, I don’t need them to face a consequence. I don’t need the world to know. You know, I don’t need them to get in trouble or be punished from the Lord. That’s between them and the Lord. I can let that go. So any other thoughts around ⁓ offense and bitterness?

Rosalynn Lasley (36:34)
Right.

I think just gratitude, like I’m thankful that, you know, of all the times that I have offended or hurt somebody that the Lord hasn’t sought ⁓ righteous judgment towards me, that He has been gracious with me and that other people have too. And it goes back to that, you know, we are forgiven and, you know, our offenses do affect other people. And so if we want to be forgiven, we need to forgive as well.

Jen Cudmore (37:10)
Yeah, that’s so good. That’s another thought that I had earlier that I wanted to bring up. Have you heard this ⁓ description that unforgiveness or choosing to hold on to bitterness and offense is like lighting yourself on fire and expecting the other person to die from smoke inhalation. It’s like you’re only hurting yourself when you hold on to that. The other person is just living their life and going on their merry way. Sometimes they know they did something wrong. Sometimes they don’t.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:29)
⁓ yeah.

Jen Cudmore (37:40)
So it really is silly for us to continue to hold on to that because it’s only hurting us. It’s only hindering things in our life and not them. So, you know, it just helps put it in perspective like, OK, let me not hold on to this because it just makes my life miserable and it doesn’t affect them in the slightest.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:41)
Yeah.

I’m.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (38:02)
Just as you go about the week, I didn’t have any formal thoughts, but just I want you thinking about like just how often do I hold on to things? How often do I get offended over things? Do I have some bitterness that I haven’t addressed or that I’m pretending or isn’t really there? Like where can I develop some better awareness around this and where might God be convicting me of some things where I may be holding on to offense and bitterness that I need to forgive and let go? So those are the final thoughts for this week.

Rosalynn Lasley (38:23)
Mm hmm.

Jen Cudmore (38:32)
Bye everybody, we’ll see you next time.

Rosalynn Lasley (38:35)
Bye!