S1E5: Escaping the Comparison Trap

SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Jennifer Cudmore (01:02)
Hey, welcome everyone to another episode of Into the Depths. I’m Jennifer and I have my co-host with me today, Rosalynn. She’s back to help me out. So today our topic is going to be about the comparison trap. And I know this is something that pretty much everyone has struggled with at some point in their lives. So to open up, our question is going to be how often do we compare ourselves or our lives to somebody else? And how does that typically make us feel?

Rosalynn Lasley (01:09)
Hello.

Jennifer Cudmore (01:32)
So let’s start off with what I think we all pretty much know, comparison is harmful, right? So when we are measuring ourselves against another human being or even something that maybe we’ve seen on TV, like an ad or something, we either come up with, at least in my interpretation, two feelings. We’re either gonna feel shame because we don’t measure up.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:35)
Thank

Jennifer Cudmore (01:57)
or we’re going to feel judgment because we think that we’ve done better than that other person. And so either way we’re either, you know, feeling bad or feeling good, good ish in that we’re like kind of feeling a little pumped up and proud of ourselves. So anyhow, judgment is really a temporary fix for our insecurities. So those times where we are feeling, we think that, we’re better than whoever we’re comparing ourselves to that actually

It only makes us feel good for a few moments. So what what are your comments on that Roslyn?

Rosalynn Lasley (02:29)
Right.

I struggle more with comparing myself in the sense of feeling inadequate. And then as we were preparing for the podcast, I was even thinking like how frequently I’ve compared myself to my former self. So sometimes it’s like, you know, maybe we’re in a season of life where we’re not where we once were, whether it’s, you know, we’ve gained weight or we look older or, you know, for us, you know, relocating to a completely separate, you know, side of the country.

Jennifer Cudmore (02:45)
right.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:01)
You know, like we went from home ownership to now we’re renting and just how often that amplifies our insecurities. You know, if we’re feeling like we’re not enough, then we look back at, you know, I was in this better place. You know, I was skinnier, I was younger. I was, you know, owning a home, maybe making more money if somebody’s lost a job or something like that. Sometimes comparison isn’t even us against the world. Sometimes it’s us against us. And it still reframes our

Jennifer Cudmore (03:27)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:30)
thought into a place where we find ourselves unhappy.

Jennifer Cudmore (03:34)
Yeah, absolutely. I’m glad you brought that up because I didn’t even think about that. That definitely can be a huge deal where we’re kind of at war with ourselves for no reason. right. Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:44)
Yeah. You know, it’s like once

upon a time, I think I’ve even seen a quote that was like, I wish I was as fat as I used to be when I thought I was fat. You know, like we are spending this whole life in this perpetual cycle of not feeling like where we’re at is enough. And then we look back and we’re like, man, I wish I was where I was 10 years ago, but even 10 years ago, I wasn’t happy. So, you know, if our focus is on the wrong things, regardless of

Jennifer Cudmore (03:54)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:12)
where we’re at, we’re not gonna be content.

Jennifer Cudmore (04:15)
Yeah, absolutely. So I was kind of thinking to myself, you know, especially when I was younger, like in my teens and twenties, I was really, really bad. I mean, I would say I probably compared myself to somebody every day, probably like, and I think that when it becomes a habit, so we don’t notice it so much, but just in looking back, thinking, wow, I really did myself a lot of harm.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:30)
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Cudmore (04:41)
by constantly focusing on how I didn’t measure up or those few times where I did measure up and I thought I was on the better side of the fence there. just thinking about how harmful that was to me and how I wish that I learned these skills earlier. And when I remember the most, at my bridal shower,

Rosalynn Lasley (04:51)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (05:07)
However many years ago right before we got married I remember you know a bunch of the beautiful women all giving me some just different marriage advice and The one that stood out to me the most was from a pastor’s wife who said never ever ever compare yourself to somebody else and I remember sitting back later thinking about that that advice and thinking wow, I never really thought about it before but I do compare myself a lot and so I thought I’m gonna live by this advice. I’m not gonna do that anymore

And just saying I’m not gonna do it anymore, like it got me nowhere because it was a habit, right? So I just kept doing it. it’s interesting to me that how ingrained that gets into us. And even when we know it’s not good for us and we try to fix it or try to be better, it’s such a trap. It’s so difficult to get out. So I was asking myself as we were…

Rosalynn Lasley (05:55)
you

Jennifer Cudmore (06:01)
As I was kind of outlining what I wanted to talk about is why, why do we compare? What makes us do that? So I’ll let you give me your thoughts first.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:10)
feel like the root of comparison is insecurity. Because when we’re secure in who we are as a person and who we are in Christ, then there is no need for comparison because our focus is where it should be. And so when we are focusing externally, whether it be on somebody else or on ourselves even, it comes from a place of not feeling content. you know, sometimes, like you said, we feel boastful, but

Jennifer Cudmore (06:14)
Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:38)
What’s the reason? Like, do we need to boast? Do we need to feel like we’re doing better than somebody else? Or is it because we, somewhere deep down, don’t feel like we’re enough that suddenly we become like, I’m better than so-and-so, but in the big picture, I feel like I’m way below all these other people. Or, you know, I was even thinking about how years ago we kind of had to go out of our way to compare ourselves to people, and now it’s just in our face all the time with…

social media especially, we don’t have to go searching for opportunities to compare opportunities that are abundant. Like here’s all these people going on vacation or this relationship that’s super happy and great and or you know this family that’s doing things or even you know people that struggle with you know infertility or being single or any of those things like they have this great big family and I don’t.

So, you know, it’s just constantly in our face and unless we reframe our mindset and our focus, we just fall into this vicious cycle of comparison, whether it’s thinking we’re doing better than others or feeling like we’re never gonna compare to others.

Jennifer Cudmore (07:48)
Yeah, exactly. I think that it’s pretty easy to sum up that ultimately it does come down to insecurity and how we feel about ourselves. So I think that part’s easy to understand, recognize, have awareness around or whatever. I think the trick is that a lot of us, we don’t know what to do about it. Like we know that we probably should think a little bit better about ourselves, but we’re not quite sure what that would look like or how to do it.

or how to stop being so negative or kind of mean to ourselves. But then also, I think we also have different areas of life where comparison is easier versus we don’t have trouble with it. So I think that looking back now, one area that I was kind of proud of is I had done a lot of research because I wanted to be a really good mom. So I read a lot of books and

Rosalynn Lasley (08:21)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (08:46)
resources and things and there were a lot of times where I would find myself being prideful around I’m such a better mom than so-and-so or or that family and Looking back. I was all that criticism Criticism was out of even though I thought I was a good mom I still had shame in lots of other areas and so it’s like I needed to hold on to that fact that I was a good mom because that was the one thing I was doing good like

Rosalynn Lasley (09:14)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (09:14)
I could

feel good about myself in that area when I had so many other areas where I felt like a failure. And so it’s tricky how it’s all interwoven and how, you know, just with our different personalities and just like we talked about before, all the different things that affect who we’ve become and where we’re at in this point in life. It’s just interesting how we basically, we all struggle with comparison to some extent, but in what areas and how much, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (09:20)
Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and I think the big picture, whether it’s, mean, insecurity, feel like is the root, but in the big picture, it’s that our focus is so much on self. We’re focusing on like, how am I doing? How am I appearing to others? Where am I at? What am I good at? Instead of like, what is God wanting me to do with my life? What is God wanting from me? What skills has he given me for his purpose?

Jennifer Cudmore (10:04)
Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (10:10)
We spend so much of it on our own satisfaction and our own desires that I don’t think we’ll ever get past it if we aren’t able to look beyond just self. Whether it’s feeling unhappy where we’re at or feeling super great about where we’re at until we take a step back and think, wait, it’s not even about me. We’re just gonna be kind of stuck in this rut of comparison.

Jennifer Cudmore (10:34)
Exactly. It really isn’t about us, but we have to have, we have to be able to come to the place where we’re not being our own enemy. And I remember when I was going through some coaching for productivity and business leadership. And one of the huge highlights of that coaching for me was when the leader said to me, look, like we’re not at war with ourselves and all the ways that we cause ourselves problems. really made me step back and

Rosalynn Lasley (10:42)
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Cudmore (11:04)
and look at, my goodness, these are all the areas where I’ve been berating myself or I can’t give myself grace because I didn’t meet certain expectations. so that’s been in the back of my mind for the last couple of years. Like remember, Jen, you are not at war with yourself. So you need to be kind and you need to be gracious in situations where you don’t feel like you did as well as you would have wanted.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:20)
Yeah.

I would say for me, I felt like I just recently realized like, I don’t want to be at war with myself. I have spent so much of my life hurting my own feelings and why? Like what good has come from that? And why am I doing this? And how do I get beyond it? Because I mean, if we don’t identify that even what we’re doing, it’ll just be the course of our life that we spend.

Jennifer Cudmore (11:39)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:53)
Just being mean, like being mean to ourselves, being mean to others, and finding ourselves in the midst of a lot of really hard, ugly things because we can’t get past, you know, we don’t have to do this. But I’m sorry, I interrupted you. What were you saying before that?

Jennifer Cudmore (11:57)
Yes.

Exactly right.

Yeah, I was just gonna, I was actually gonna move on. So totally fine that you jumped in. I was thinking too that so many of us think the solution is external. And so we’re looking for validation from other humans or we’re looking for, we’re looking at the outside package or we’re, know, just the different, different situations that would say, I’ve made it. Now I’m not a failure anymore or whatever that looks like for each of us.

But really the issue, and you hit on this a minute ago, it’s inside of us. And so if we want to get out of the comparison trap and stop falling into those habits, we’ve got to dig into some things going on in our hearts. And so that’s what we want to talk about today. So specifically, I think it would be good to address some of the common ways that people, and I’m going to say people, but mostly my focus is just on women because that’s been my experience.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:01)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (13:03)
and what I’ve seen in helping others. But I think the number one area is body image. What do you have to say about that?

Rosalynn Lasley (13:11)
yeah, absolutely. I feel like it’s been a lifelong challenge for us and even with like, you know, more of the feminist movement and body positivity and things like that, we’re still comparing and we’re kind of, I guess like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. like, okay, well, you know, being body positive, but I’m more body positive than them or, you know, it’s just…

I feel like as women, that’s such a huge thing. No matter where we are, whether it’s as a young child, I have one of my young children that struggles with body image and then throughout the course of our life, and it’s like, where did that even come from? How do we just all of a sudden grow up and decide to be so concerned about something like that other than somebody drawing attention to it? And I feel like it’s probably a lifelong struggle for most people.

Jennifer Cudmore (14:08)
I think, and I’ve even asked myself like, will I ever reach the place where I am content with my size, my shape, my, you know, I would like to say that I hope so, but it’s still after all the healing and freedom that I’ve found that I still have days where I’m struggling with that. And so I’m wondering, is that normal? Do we just sit back and accept that, Hey, this is, this is always going to be a struggle or is it possible to get to the place where that never bothers us anymore?

Rosalynn Lasley (14:21)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (14:38)
while we’re on the earth, obviously, when we get to heaven.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:40)
Yeah, and I feel like there’s a teeter

totter of that too because then we get to a place where we’re like, well, I don’t have stretch marks, you know, or, well, I bounced back from having kids and you can’t even tell or whatever it may be to where all of a sudden we feel proud of ourselves because we look better than all these other people, but not even focusing on all the additional struggles that we may have that are hidden behind this great package that’s, you know, the shell of our soul.

Jennifer Cudmore (14:48)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly. You’re exactly right. I think that body image too, there are so many facets to it. It’s about that could encompass how we eat healthy foods or making sure we’re going to the gym. This person went four times a week, but I’m only going two times a week, so I must be a terrible person. Or just feeling like that drive of, I’m not good enough unless I’m going to the gym.

you know, six or seven days a week. And we set these expectations that are so hard for us to attain. And then of course we can’t make it because we’re doing it with the wrong motives. And so anyhow, it’s like, there’s so much involved in this. It feels like you just can’t win. It doesn’t matter. And especially when we’re constantly bombarded in the media by this is the body image that you should be aiming for. And

Rosalynn Lasley (15:57)
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Cudmore (16:06)
when that’s all you’re seeing constantly every day, when you’re on social media and all you’re seeing is everybody’s beautiful pictures and beautiful families. I mean, I get sick sometimes of just flipping through Facebook and everyone’s got all these perfect looking families with matching outfits and, you know, perfect hair. And it’s like, no, I have struggled with wanting to post all of my perfect pictures. And I’ve really tried hard over the last few years to post pictures of myself when I’m not at my best.

Rosalynn Lasley (16:21)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (16:34)
Of I don’t want to look ridiculous or foolish, but I also want to be real because if we can start showing up in a more real capacity, then that will help other women or other people to say, oh, it’s okay to not have perfect makeup or it’s okay if I’ve got a few hairs out of place or it’s okay if not all my kids are smiling. And so anyhow, just…

Rosalynn Lasley (16:34)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (17:00)
Just some of my thoughts around the whole concept of body image. think it’s such a huge issue and it’s a real frustration for me that I don’t know how to fix it or help people. just know that something needs to change.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:08)
Yeah.

Well, and I think

at some point it’s learning to not care. Like in the end, what does it really matter? Like how much is my life or anyone else’s improved and, you know, pointed towards the kingdom based on how I’m looking, you know, like what a vain thing to even be concerned about. And so there’s this balance of like being healthy and taking care of the body that God has given us without being so focused on what it looks like.

Jennifer Cudmore (17:17)
You’re right.

Exactly.

You’re absolutely right. are way too, we as a culture are way too focused on what things look like and the, what do you call it? The electronic age or however you want to call it, I think has made that so much worse because we’re constantly bombarded, like I said, with images that make us think this is what I should look like instead of just learning to be content with where we’re at. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:46)
Mm-hmm.

I think it’s not even

just a right now thing because, I mean, scripture talks about how man looks at the outward appearance and the Lord looks at our hearts. And so I think it’s probably been around forever. And I don’t know why that is. Like, I haven’t dug into the theology of it to know, like, why does the enemy cause us to focus so much on the outside appearance of ourselves and others that that becomes what consumes us?

Jennifer Cudmore (18:14)
true.

That great point, that’s a great point. mean, the scripture is very clear that God’s more concerned about what’s going on inside of us than how we look. And that’s not to say we shouldn’t even try. I mean, we do need to make some attempts to you know, to care about our physical appearance, but not to the point where we’re so obsessed that everything has to be perfect or we’re comparing to others. So yeah, great point.

Rosalynn Lasley (18:41)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (18:55)
okay. So let’s move into a different, topic. would say talents and gifts are another really big one. I think it’s easy to compare ourselves to somebody famous or somebody who’s. think, especially in the church, when you look at people who are up on stage and think, the cute outfits are nice hair or, know, they’re always so perfectly put together or look at that voice. You know, I want that voice. And anyhow, I think gifts and talents. We, we, we kind of talked about this last time actually a little bit. So yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:24)
Yeah,

I think for me it’s, it’s hard because, you know, each of us has something that we’re good at, even if it’s sometimes it’s hard to identify what that is. but we look at people and we think, you know, their talents are different than ours and maybe it’s something that we’ve desired to be good at. And so then our focus becomes on what somebody else is gifted on, not identifying and fine tuning what we’re good at and using it for a

a good reason rather than just our own satisfaction. So even if we do have, say we have 10 talents, you know, we see the person that has 15 and we’re like, well man, I’m never gonna be good at all of those things. And so we just take the things that we are given by the Lord to use for His glory and then we just kind of throw them down the drain because it’s not the same or it’s not as good as what somebody else is working with.

Jennifer Cudmore (20:18)
I agree. think that definitely quantity, that wasn’t something I had thought about, then quality, like certain gifts and talents are more in the spotlight than others. And sometimes if we have a real need for attention so that we get the validation that we so desire and, we have the gifts that are not putting us in the spotlight, that can be a real struggle. Whereas some people don’t need the spotlight. But they still think that, you know, because they’re in a role or,

a job or they have gifts that are not as easily noticed that that can make them feel bad because they’re not getting as much attention as somebody else. I think, you know, one thing that I like to give as an example is you’ve got, you know, the person who leads worship at church, who’s behind the mic and got the instruments, got the voice, got the attention. And then you’ve got people on the prayer team, you know, they’re never on camera.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:59)
Right.

Jennifer Cudmore (21:15)
pretty much, I guess it depends on your church, but you know, they’re not gonna be on camera, they’re not gonna be on stage, they’re gonna be in the background, and it’s much less glamorous, and so it can feel like it’s not a great talent, or it’s not an important skill to have, and no, we all have different roles to play, we all are given different gifts, skills, talents, and it’s important that we’re working together, but I think our culture really focuses on what’s being highlighted in the spotlight, what are we seeing on camera, what are we…

hearing what’s right in front of us. So anyhow.

Rosalynn Lasley (21:48)
even

considered that. I think, I mean, if it’s something that’s not spotlightable, like do we even identify it as a talent or a gift? You know, like, I hadn’t really even considered that until you brought it up, but you think, you know, even just in ministry, you have the nursery workers that are behind the scenes and I would dare I say the church isn’t going to function without them. Like we need somebody that’s willing to rock the baby so people can focus and we don’t even identify that as a gifting, but having the patience to

Jennifer Cudmore (21:57)
Great question.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:16)
sit in love on other people’s children day in and day out is a gift and talent. because it’s not something that’s out in the open and something that people can’t even necessarily be boastful about, we may not identify it in others or in ourselves as a gift.

Jennifer Cudmore (22:35)
Yes, exactly. I think it depends on different circles that you’re in, but definitely it’s what are people talking about versus what are they not? And so it feels like it’s not important when it’s not highlighted or publicly validated for sure. So another thing I think is

Rosalynn Lasley (22:45)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (22:59)
like our brains, how smart we are. And this one’s a frustration for me just in that we’re all made differently and we’re all smart in different ways. And it’s so easy to fall into the category where you’re either book smart or different things. And I’m thankful that I’m seeing now in more of the education system where there is a little bit more emphasis now on focusing on the different ways kids are smart. But I think of even within my own family,

when it comes to anything that has to do with a doctor visit or medical billing, everyone in my family is gonna talk to me because I 20 years of experience in medical billing. I can help you figure those things out. can explain it to you in layman’s terms and I can handle things that the rest of my family, they just don’t know because they don’t have the experience and the knowledge versus I don’t really know anything about electronics. So anything electronic in my family.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:35)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (23:55)
My husband is the go-to person, although my kids are decent at it too. But then I think like, because my daughter has had such an interest in the law and politics, I find myself going to her all the time now with just questions about different things going on in the political scene or a law that I didn’t hear of and needed to understand or whatever. And then even the same like with my son, he’s just so good at math and science. I mean, it’s crazy to me how I have no idea any…

I don’t want to say I don’t have no idea. I have very little understanding of nuclear fission and nuclear fusion, but when that boy is talking to me, I do not like science, but I can’t stop listening because he is so passionate about explaining this to me and how it works and why it works. so, you know, it’s even within our own families, we all have all these different areas where we can shine and no one’s more smart than someone else just because our IQ might be a few points different.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:38)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (24:54)
you know we all have different areas where we’re very smart we have the brains though

Rosalynn Lasley (24:58)
And I feel like

that’s one that’s been a huge, I would say an insecurity or an inadequate area of my life because like I had undiagnosed ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was like 37. And so school is extremely hard for me. And I didn’t know that was why, you know, people are learning math and I’m thinking about like what I want to do when I get out of school. And, you know, I barely graduated high school because I could not pass my math class.

Jennifer Cudmore (25:07)
Okay.

Rosalynn Lasley (25:27)
You know, in elementary school I was in like the 99 percentile in the standardized testing and then I, into junior high there was a language barrier with my math teacher and it’s really hard to learn algebra in a language that you literally don’t understand. And from there my math just kind of tanked and so, you know, I hear these people that have these high GPAs and they’re going to college and doing these really spotlightable things with their life and I’m like, I barely graduated.

I have no idea what my GPA was, it was the whatever barely graduated is, that’s my GPA. And you know, now we live in an area of the country that there’s a very well known college here and this community is very education driven. So, you one of the very first things people ask me when I started my new job was where did you go to school? And I’m like, I didn’t. You know, and it’s like shocking to people. Like you didn’t graduate, you didn’t go to this really huge

Jennifer Cudmore (26:03)
You

Rosalynn Lasley (26:26)
college that people spend a disgusting amount of money to go to and well, what did you do with your life and how did you get where you are with no education? so then you spend a lot of your time feeling inadequate because everyone’s office you walk by has all these framed degrees and you’re like, want to frame my diploma, know, that sort of thing. so, but I’m smart about things that they would have no idea about. Like these accountants that have been doing people’s taxes for

20, 30 years, know, they have a really intense knowledge base that I don’t have, but I could teach people how to have babies, like, and they would never, not only never be able to do it, but never have the desire. So just because my education isn’t formal within the walls of a school building doesn’t mean that it doesn’t provide something that’s worthwhile to myself and to others. But, you know, when you’re looking at

every degree in the building, you’re like, man, how did I end up here? I feel like I’ve got imposter syndrome. I don’t belong and that’s not really the case.

Jennifer Cudmore (27:31)
Absolutely. And just to clarify, in case people haven’t read your bio, you are a doula. So I just want to point that out. I think that’s pretty.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:36)
yes. Yeah, I was thinking about that

from last episode is like, I mean, I kind of touched on how we moved across the country, but I guess I didn’t really give any depth of like being a wife and a mom and that sort of thing. But we’ll get there eventually.

Jennifer Cudmore (27:52)
Yeah.

Okay. So a couple other areas I think that are kind of big that people do comparison is like resources or opportunities. And this was another huge one for me is, so and so grew up in a family that has more money than me or, you know, their whole family went to college and mine didn’t. So how am I ever going to get to college or things like that? So

Rosalynn Lasley (28:02)
Mm-hmm.

in

I I struggled with that too. You know, I grew up poor, for lack of a better term. Like, I grew up poor, I had nothing. You I moved out when I was 16 and kind of just hit the ground running. And so where we ended up in life was because we worked to get where we are. But, you know, now we’re in a part of the country that’s, you know, what we call old money. It’s like the colonial part of the country and you have generational wealth and you’re like, these people have money that we’ll never see in our lifetime.

And so it’s really hard to not feel inadequate in those places. But then there’s the flip side of, everything I have, I’ve worked for and they don’t know what that’s like because they just had it handed down. So then you find yourself being prideful because of where you are. And so it’s just this really messy back and forth of I’m never going to compare to them, but look at how great I’m doing. But they have things I’ll never have, but they didn’t work for it. You know, so it’s, it’s just.

Jennifer Cudmore (28:43)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (29:12)
Comparison is such a messy thing and it doesn’t have to be even a big part of our life and yet it is.

Jennifer Cudmore (29:19)
Absolutely. And we could go on and on. Career options. Who’s in management? Who’s not? Who got what job because of what unfair reason? Or looking at someone else’s marriage. they have this amazing husband. Look at all these things he does. And my husband doesn’t do those things for me. even I think children and family can be a big one where we can feel like our kids like

Rosalynn Lasley (29:30)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (29:48)
I had one of my children was very strong willed growing up and I had the hardest time parenting this child and really feeling like nobody liked this child. And that was hard for me. And, you know, I wanted my, my kid to be liked and I wanted people to appreciate the skills and talents and gifts that were assigned. But it took a while for me to get to that place where it doesn’t matter what people think of my kid or don’t think of my kid.

Rosalynn Lasley (29:59)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (30:14)
the right people are gonna recognize the potential and love them, you know, and be the right friends and be the right lead. What word am I looking for? Potential polar outers. I know that’s not really a word, So anyhow, think comparing our families can be a huge pit for us as well. So, Chippa.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:30)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and I feel like

there’s a lot of pride wrapped up in our children, not just having them, but what they’re doing with their life. And then the opposite of that is true, too. our kids are their own people, and they can make choices. They have the same free will that we do. And so then there’s times where people feel very shamed because of the choices their children make or, you know, their personalities. I do have strong willed children also.

Like that’s really difficult. Like parenting a strong-willed child is hard. It grows you as a person. It grows them as a person. And you, I joke, but you know, I hope that they use this strong will for good and not evil, you know, but you know, when our kids grow up and make choices that, you know, hurt them or others, there’s so much shame in that. And instead of being able to step back and say, listen, they have the free will that I also have and they’re going to make mistakes, but.

Jennifer Cudmore (31:11)
Yeah.

Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:35)
we get so tied to what other people think that so much weight is placed on our kids and what they’re doing with their lives that it’s a, I feel like it’s a huge thing.

Jennifer Cudmore (31:46)
It is a huge thing. And there’s been times where I’ve been tempted to say, oh, you know, how my kid behaves as a reflection of me. means I was either a good parent or a bad parent. And no, there may be some components of that a little bit, but they’re still their own person and they still make their own decisions. so comparing them to other people’s kids is, really foolish. You know, it doesn’t, it doesn’t get us anywhere. And so, I mean, ultimately we know.

Rosalynn Lasley (32:07)
Yeah.

Jennifer Cudmore (32:13)
that comparison is harmful, that nothing good comes out of it, but how do we move forward? And it really comes down to how we feel about ourselves and learning to deal with the junk that’s going inside of our hearts so that we can begin to accept ourselves, love ourselves, and then we don’t need the validation of others and we don’t need to fill a void because that void has already been filled

So it really comes down to what’s going on inside my heart and my mind and what inside of me, because it could be different for every person. The motivation could be different for every person. We have different wounds. We have different experiences that led us to seek validation from other people, but ultimately we need healing.

and need freedom and we need to recognize that we need to be a little nicer to ourselves and then begin practicing that. So I’ll let you comment.

Rosalynn Lasley (33:05)
Absolutely.

Well, in preparation for the podcast, one of my favorite quotes is, not my favorite quote, but a comparison is the thief of joy. And it’s true. And it’s not just comparing to others, but comparing to ourselves. Like I said, you know, when I’m sitting here thinking about, you know, how much weight I’ve gained or where I’m at in life, and I compare it to a time in my own life that was a highlight for me, where I felt like I was, you know, looking well, doing well, you know, satisfied and where I was.

It’s the thief of joy. I’m not finding joy in the season that I’m in because I’m comparing whether it’s to somebody else or to myself. But then I found additional quotes that were fairly interesting to me. So like, don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle. We look at where other people are and we don’t necessarily consider what it takes for them to get there or where they’re going from there. We don’t really even factor in if that’s where they want to be. We just look at what they have and we admire it rather than

Jennifer Cudmore (33:51)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:07)
using it as a positive way to like, you know, what did they put into this to get to this place? And can I seek out some of the same tools that they’ve used, you know, or the same mentors or the same frame of mind if I really do desire to be in that place? Or is it just merely comparison?

Jennifer Cudmore (34:24)
Or what did they sacrifice to get there? Because would we want to go through what they went through to get to that place that they’re at?

Rosalynn Lasley (34:27)
Yeah.

Yeah, and then you’re like, absolutely not.

Your worth is not defined by someone else’s success, was another quote that I read and I was like, well, that’s good. Focus on your own path and not someone else’s highlight reel. There is no comparison between the sun and the moon. They both shine when it’s their time. And I was like, wow, that’s cool. I hadn’t really thought about that. But for me, one of the biggest things of when I’m stuck in this road of comparison, like I said, whether it’s myself or

Jennifer Cudmore (34:44)
Yes.

I love that.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:59)
comparing to others in a positive or negative way, whether I become prideful or insecure, I focus on the scripture in Philippians. And it’s one that I’ve thought of over and over over and over over again, but it’s Philippians 4.8. And the New King James version says, finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatsoever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue in it,

if there is anything worthy of praise, meditate on these things. And so when I start getting into my own head and thinking of, you know, I’m not where I want to be or so and so’s, you know, doing great and I’m not, I once was in this place and now I’m not, I think, is that true? Like, well, maybe there is some truth to it, but what’s the truth in that? The truth is that, you know, I’m a work in progress and maybe I’m not.

Jennifer Cudmore (35:31)
Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (35:55)
where I want to be or I’m in a different place than I was on the surface, the internal things that I’ve really worked hard on to get to the place that I’m at, those are things that are worthy of praise, they’re of good report. And so I start kind of going through this little list of what things are noble, what things are just, what things are pure, what things are lovely, and letting that be my focus instead of where I’m falling short or where I see that somebody else is nailing it and I’m not.

Jennifer Cudmore (36:22)
That is so great and I think that’s a wonderful place to or a wonderful tool to help guide us in. Pausing and saying, I don’t want to call myself names because I know that’s harmful. That doesn’t get me where I want to go in life. That doesn’t lead me to a higher quality life or my best version of myself. That takes me backwards. But pausing and saying, okay, I need to say, you

like you said, according to the scripture, these are the ways I need to look at myself and let me focus on the things I’m doing well instead of the things I’m doing wrong, for sure.

So, you I couldn’t make the track team or whatever. And so now I’m this horrible person because I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t good enough to get on the team. Recognizing that we’re not always gonna make it, like we’re not always gonna measure up depending on where that measuring stick is, accepting that just because you don’t meet a certain expectation doesn’t mean you’re no longer valuable.

it has to start with the recognition that every human being is born inherently valuable. Like that is given to us at birth or at conception really. if we believe that every human has value,

Rosalynn Lasley (37:26)
soon.

Jennifer Cudmore (37:29)
when they’re born and that God doesn’t make mistakes, that he doesn’t make junk, then, I mean, there’s a scripture in Psalm 139 that talks about how we are wonderfully made. Every human is wonderfully made and he knit us together. He didn’t just slap us together and say, here we go, another human. Like he, there was intention in the way God created us and we’re valuable because he says we’re valuable and we need to look at everyone that way. But ultimately it’s,

Rosalynn Lasley (37:41)
and

Jennifer Cudmore (37:59)
what does God say about us and learning to accept that. But then also every time we say something bad about ourselves, we’re telling God he didn’t know what he was doing, that he made a mistake when he made us.

one of the things that I love about

helping with the Freedom Course and Retreat at my church twice a year is that one of the things we focus on is rejection. I do want to do a whole episode on rejection at some point. But for now, just this sentence that one of our pastors said has stuck with me for years, ever since I’ve been helping at this retreat, helping people find freedom and healing. He says, we need to learn how to say nice things about ourselves.

to ourselves and we need to do that regularly because there is a lot of good in us and as you were saying, if we’re just focusing on the bad and all the things we don’t like and all the things we did wrong, then we’re gonna continue to feel terrible about ourselves. But if we can begin to recognize here are some things I’m doing well, here are some unique things about me that are valuable, that are important and celebrating who we are and we can learn to love ourselves, understand ourselves, accept ourselves.

Rosalynn Lasley (39:00)
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Cudmore (39:15)
then we’re gonna stop falling into that habit of comparison because we’re gonna be comfortable with who we are. So that was a little bit long-winded. Do you have anything to add before we wrap up?

Rosalynn Lasley (39:26)
I

just went going back to the scripture you shared about being fearfully and wonderfully made. That’s one of the scriptures that we’ve shared with one of our kids that really struggles with body image issues. And one of the ways that we’ve tried to explain it to her is like, do you believe that Jesus is the son of God and God the son and that he died and rose again for our sins? Because if you believe that is true, then you have to believe that this is also true because they’re from the same Bible. In the Bible,

isn’t either some is true but not all is true, it’s either all or nothing. And so if you can believe that the resurrection is true and that in itself is a miracle, then you should be able to believe that you too are a miracle.

Jennifer Cudmore (40:05)
Absolutely. And I think that it really is a journey, a journey of identity and understanding who we are. And it, you know, starts with awareness. I do have this issue. you know, I don’t like myself. How can I learn to like myself? And then I do think it’s a journey that God takes us all on at certain seasons of our life. And again, it may not even be a journey where we ever reach the end. think as one of my mentors says, you know, we’re always becoming.

And so allowing God to, or choosing to walk that journey with God and let him speak to us about who we are, I think is the best way that we’re gonna be able to overcome the comparison trap. Because the more we believe him and love ourselves the way he loves us, then we’re going to not need external validation from other people and we won’t have that need to compare. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (40:51)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Cudmore (41:04)
As we go about our week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought. How often am I comparing myself to other people? Or am I comparing my life to somebody else’s life? So take a real good deep look, be honest with yourself, but then also why? What is the root behind this habit that we have of comparing? And if we are willing to be brave and start digging into that and start uncovering those areas that need a little bit of healing, then we’re gonna…

be able to get to stop falling into the habit of that comparison trap. So any final thoughts before we go Roslyn?

Rosalynn Lasley (41:40)
So I think it just kind of reminds me of the challenge of identifying where I’m comparing and what’s the purpose. Like what good does this do and is this how I want to spend my energy?

Jennifer Cudmore (41:50)
Exactly.

Exactly. It’s such a waste of our time and energy to compare. So much better to put that somewhere else. So that’s it for today. Bye everybody. We’ll see you next time on the next episode.

Rosalynn Lasley (41:58)
Absolutely. Bye. Yes.

Thank you.