S1E7: Hidden Motives: Why Are You So Busy?

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jennifer Cudmore (01:01)
Hey everybody, how’s it going? I’m Jennifer, the host of Into the Depths podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. I have a really interesting topic to discuss today. I’m kind of excited about it because it was something that I have really struggled with and honestly it still really sneaks up on me and I have to watch it. So my question for us today, we’re gonna ask ourselves, why are we so busy? So as we get started, why are you so busy?

We go through seasons where sometimes there are legit reasons where we, our schedules are full. So such as we’ve got kids who are involved in sports activities or things of that nature. And that tends to take up a bit of our time, right? As parents, or there could be, you know, lots of different reasons where we have a lot going on, whether we have a need come up in our families that requires a lot more attention or something like that. So that’s not what I’m talking about today.

I’m talking about sometimes we put way too much on our schedules because we have some unhealthy unmet needs inside of us and that’s what I want to examine today. So sometimes we make life harder on ourselves because the motivation behind why we’re so busy is out of whack. It’s unhealthy. It’s actually sabotaging us. So that’s what I want to get into. So one several years ago, one thing that the

I tended to be a very, very busy person. I was a working mom. I was involved in some different ministries in church and other areas. And so I was constantly filling my schedule with things.

I remember this one day where I heard God say to me, busyness is unattractive. And I was really kind of taken aback by that. Like, what? What is he saying to me? And so I kind of had to ponder that for a couple of days and just think about how rushing and moving quickly all the time and not having time to stop or pause.

Especially I noticed this in my marriage because I would be rushing out the door to do this or that my husband would be like but wait I wanted to talk about something or and so I it wasn’t so much that I didn’t have time for certain things or certain people it was that they had to fit within this tidy little spot that I had laid out for them and My husband did not like that as you can imagine he did not like having to wait for my attention and other things being more of a priority so

Busyness is unattractive. We need to slow down. We need to stop brushing. And so I was asking myself, well, why? I definitely can see that happening, but what is the underlying issue under that? And what I came up with is just that when we are too busy, it pushes people away. It makes them not want to be around us. makes us, you know, they don’t respect.

our busyness. used to think that if I looked busy or if I was busy that people would respect that. And I think certain people do, but for the most part, I definitely recognized in my own life that the fact that I was busy, was definitely pushing away my husband. And my kids were still small enough at that point that they, I don’t know that they really knew what was going on, but I could definitely see that in some of my friendships too, because I didn’t have the time to.

either spend with them or answer text messages or things of that nature. And so it was easy for me to see after a few days of pondering. But let’s go a little bit further. Let’s examine the motives.

specifically, this all came to a head six or seven years ago when I hit burnout. And so that’s where I’m going to talk about today. So I used to think that burnout was simply about creating margin, you know, getting more rest. just, you’re just so busy that you’re not relaxing enough. And so you’ve got to find that balance. And so I was struggling with some things mostly at work because I had

I think I’d been working full-time about a year and half by then and I was struggling to juggle all the things, right? Being a wife, being a mom, working full-time, having this huge staff. So I was like, well, I’m just going to go get a few weeks of counseling. He’s going to help me figure out how to redo my schedule, manage my workload better, and then I’ll be good to go, which was totally not what happened because there were some heart issues going on.

So what I was experiencing on the outside, like the external things that I was noticing, I felt like I wasn’t doing well being a wife and a mom. There was always the struggle. And even though I really didn’t work more than 45 hours a week, there were times where I just would come home so exhausted so I couldn’t be my best self with my family and I didn’t like that. So not only that, but then at the pressures of running this big department at the

The biggest that we grew to, I was managing 18 people and for me that was very stressful because I felt like I had their livelihoods in my hands and I wanted to do it well. And God would just keep reminding me, love them well, love them well. I prayed a lot when I was learning how to be a manager. And so I would stress out, how do I love them well? And each person needs something different from me and how do I provide that? But we still have a job to do, I gotta get stuff done too.

There was that, I had a heavy task load. There were a lot of internal changes in the company within the span of a couple years, or probably about three years. And so that had created a lot of turmoil, not just within my own department, but within just the entire organization. And so trying to navigate that and do it well had brought on a lot of challenges for me personally.

And so these were the things that I was dealing with and I thought, I just need to learn how to be more efficient. I need to learn how to be a better manager. And so I kept, you know, looking for tips. How can I be better? How can I be more effective? But really it wasn’t enough because what I discovered through going through counseling is that it was actually an internal problem that led me to burnout, not external. It wasn’t my tasks. It wasn’t my schedule. It was the brokenness inside of me and why I was so busy.

and why I wasn’t handling my load well. And so I had to, what the counselor did was really help me do some, really, a deep dive, a really into the depths of what was going on inside my heart and what was making me react in those ways or feel like I was failing. What brought me to burnout? So I’m gonna share the three things that it looked like for me, just in a way of hoping

that will spark you to be able to examine your own hearts and find what are the motives behind you being so busy. the first thing that was really huge for me was performance orientation. And basically what that means is your self-worth is wrapped up in what you do. And so I had a lot of high standards on myself and these expectations, even now I still do this. I think I mentioned the other day, like,

I have high expectations for myself that even my boss doesn’t really care if I get certain things done within a certain time frame. But I like to make sure that I meet certain rules that I placed on myself. I used to be, you know, six or seven years ago, these rules were miles long. It’s kind of crazy looking at that now, how I even thought I could measure up to these things that I was trying to put on myself. I began to recognize, well, I had recognized that I couldn’t

keep that pace, but again, I thought it was an external issue that I just needed to learn how to handle better. And what I realized is that I was believing this lie that busy is better. Busy is good. Busy makes me respectable. People will like me better if I’m a busy person because it means I’m productive, typically.

Being busy means you’re productive. And I couldn’t feel good about myself unless I was producing something, unless I was performing well. I was really measuring my worth based on how many tasks I could get done in a day. And if I only accomplished one or two things, like I would be devastated. I would go home feeling like such a failure. And it’s so silly when sometimes that one task is huge and it can make a huge difference in life. So I really…

discovered that I was really like trying to prove to myself that I was good enough. If I couldn’t keep up on my tasks or like I said the standards that I thought that I needed to keep then that meant I was something there was something wrong with me and I had to try harder. So my solution was try harder which just kept me spinning in that cycle of not getting anywhere and so I was beginning to recognize this as I went through counseling and another thing being that he was

challenging me as to why I was involved in so many different church groups and ministry things at that time in my life. And he really challenged me to cut back on some commitments, which for me was a huge deal. I wasn’t ready to let those go because I was getting validation from that. Like I felt like if I wasn’t involved in those groups, then there then I wasn’t measuring up. I wasn’t being a good Christian. I wasn’t being a good person or whatever.

along those lines. this mindset was affecting so many different areas of my life. And it was disheartening to realize that I was doing all of these things for the wrong reasons. But yet it was empowering because then I could begin to deconstruct those lies, like labels and limitations and begin to live in freedom. So

Another part of that was that I actually didn’t know how to rest. It sounds so funny, but I was pretty big at this time in my life, especially, of making sure that we took a Sabbath. And so in the scripture that just, that refers to taking a day of rest once a week. And there’s other things involved in that, but I always made sure that we had a day of rest.

my whole family would do this and usually it was Sundays but not always. And so I thought that was all I needed but my problem was it was like I couldn’t relax. I would sit down to read a book but then I could only do that for a couple hours. I had to like get up and what I realized is that because I felt unproductive by just sitting around resting I wasn’t fulfilled and so instead of

feeling refreshed after a day of rest, I would feel antsy and anxious and I could not wait for Monday morning so that I could produce some more. I could do more tasks. I could get things done because that’s how I felt fulfilled. That’s how I felt like I would be good enough if I could tick all these things off my to-do list. And so it was several months of me learning how to rest and relax. And it sounds funny, but

actually had to put that on my to-do list so that I could check it off. So in the beginning, that’s how I tricked myself is, okay, I’m gonna put rest and relaxation on my to-do list. That way I can check it off. So it was a way of kind of meeting that fulfillment of getting these tasks done, but at the same time, I gave myself permission to rest and relax and that that was okay. Like I was still a good person if I was taking the time.

to be unproductive. And I’ll never forget this one of these questions that my counselor asked me. said, how can I be happy if my to-do list doesn’t get done? And I was again, kind of mind blown like what? Like that’s not even a thing. that’s not possible to be happy unless I get things checked off my to-do list. And so he really pushed back on that. And I recognized, you know, it was just another layer.

while I was only getting validation through checking these things off my to-do list. By being busy, it was filling that void in me, that need of feeling like I was worthy, feeling like I worth it, that I was a valid member, a productive member of society, right? So then the second area is that my counselor really pushed me to think about

What brings me joy? What do I delight in doing when I’m resting and relaxing? And this, I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t answer it. He would ask me, what kinds of things do I do for rest? And I was like, well, I hang out with my family, I watch TV and I usually read a novel, you know? And he was like, no, there’s gotta be more than that. I get that those things are restful, but you know, what…

those things brings you joy and so I really it took me a couple weeks I was so embarrassed I thought what is wrong with me why do I not know how to make a list of what brings me joy it was awful in the moment it was awful but I needed this so bad and I began to finally come up with some things and even as I came up with them I didn’t even really know how to implement them like going to the beach well

We lived in Alaska, so there’s not as many beaches. And when you live several hours away from them, it’s not always easy access to go do those things. And so I was like, well, a lot of these things feel like they’re not possible right now. You know, I love dolphins. I can’t just like go pet a dolphin or own a dolphin or even like control when I see one necessarily. So I was like, well, even as I began to make the list, I thought

it’s not even possible to enjoy these, some of these things right now. And so I really had to challenge my mindset of what are some different things I can do. Well, I learned that, you know, my family had bought me a few dolphin trinkets that were kind of, I don’t even remember where I had them, honestly, but so I began to pull them out and put them up and thought even just walking by those cute little thing, cute little knickknacks on the dresser, you know, it would make me smile.

And so the more I found these things, like I realized how much I loved getting a pedicure. So I would try to do that more often and try to fit that into my budget. I realized how much I love beautiful scenery. And so I started taking drives on the weekends, at least a couple of times a month. I would take a drive out from, I lived in Anchorage in town. So I would drive out to what we call the valley.

look at the mountains, look at the river, like all different kinds of things. And there were different places you could go, but, and if you’ve never been to Alaska, it is one of the most beautiful places God ever created. So I highly recommend that you visit, preferably in the summer, but if you love snow go in the winter. But anyways, back to my story. I discovered things like I actually really enjoyed painting my nails. And so I started doing that every week and I really like flowers and

garden type thing. So I would go to gardens more often or I would buy myself flowers more often because those things brought me joy. And so it was really fun to kind of explore that for myself and figure out what works for me and kind of get ideas from other people and decide, well, that’s not so much my thing, but maybe this other area could be my thing. that was kind of a fun process, although in the beginning it was like super challenging, but

I began to get creative and like, well, how can I make some of these things happen? You know, I still had a lot of limitations around, well, I can’t do this and I can’t do that. And I really had to push past that and say, well, how can I make it happen? Really, honestly, it was a process that took me months. I would say probably six months before I really could feel comfortable in saying, yes, every week I am doing things that bring me joy.

And that really kind of lightened my heart. Not kind of, it really lightened my heart a lot. And so if that’s, if self care is not something that you do very well, I highly recommend you’ve got to look into that. So another part of that, the concept of joy was that my counselor talked to me about clutter in my home and my house wasn’t messy, but I definitely had some areas.

that were cluttered. And my excuse was always, I’m too busy. I’ll get to that later. And then it becomes like a couple hour long project. But I realized one of the things he showed me was that the environment that we live in affects our ability to rest. And so if there is kind of chaos in my home, then there was going to be chaos inside of me. And so we talked about little things I could do to make

my home more of a sanctuary. And it was good because, I mean, we loved our home. It was kind of small, but it really worked for us. But I definitely could see small areas that, what’s the right word, kind of brought angst, you know, created some angst inside me. So I began to work on little things like rearranging some furniture items or just making more of an effort to keep certain things put away.

in the place that they were meant to live, or even some things didn’t actually have a home yet. So finding places for those objects to go where they could live. And so little things like that began to help me have a more peaceful heart. along with that, there were some other lives, labels, and limitations in that regard. But I worked through those and slowly began to make subtle changes.

We got to the point where we painted several of the rooms. That is not something I had ever been interested in. It sounds silly now. Why did I live there 15 years and never paint the walls? I don’t know. I don’t know what was going on in my brain, but I didn’t care. And I realized how just different colors can affect your mood. I am not really, I don’t really have an eye for decorating. And so…

was trying to learn how to just do some redecorating in my home. And so I ended up having to reach out to some friends who are really good at this because I didn’t feel like I was at all. And they really helped me figure out, because the problem was, like, I didn’t mind redecorating. I didn’t mind painting the walls. But I didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t know what I wanted. And so really took some effort for me to kind of dig.

dig down in there into the depths below the surface and try to figure out what do I like and how do I want to decorate? What colors do I like? What colors bring me joy? so I was really glad that I did that. Another area that seems like not a big deal, but I didn’t really have very many plants because I do not have a green thumb. And I realized that I was putting limits on myself by saying I’m a terrible plant owner or I can’t keep plants alive, so I’m not going to buy them anymore.

And I realized that that was, you know, I was fulfilling that belief. And so I faced that false belief and said, no, I’m going to learn how to keep some plants alive. And began to bring some plants in my home. I started with simple things and I still don’t think I’m a great plant owner, but here I am, what, seven years later and I have a lot of plants in my home. I’ve learned how to keep them alive by saying that I’m going to keep them alive and committing to that.

But it was amazing to me how just having that greenery in my home really created a sense of serenity and peace and calm and it really just helped my home feel like a sanctuary. it helped me to be able to rest better. And then another thing that I did was I made sure that I put up a lot of artwork and even just some inspirational quotes around the house that would help me have a positive attitude. So those are some areas.

that hopefully will give you some spark some ideas for your own self. So number one, performance orientation and high standards. That was a reason I was busy. Number two, I didn’t know how to find joy and peace and rest. And then number three, what also came to the surface during this was I had a lot of unprocessed grief. And what I began to realize is that I

did not know how to handle disappointments. so little disappointments stack up over time. And then you have giant disappointments when things don’t go your way. And then if you don’t know how to deal with the little things, how do you deal with the bigger things, right? So kind of all at the same time, I had several things come up that were really challenging for me as far as making me really sad.

What I also didn’t know aside from that is that because I had some wounds that were not dealt with, some of that was bubbling to the surface as well. and we know that when we don’t face those things, they’re gonna come out in messy ways. They’re gonna come out. So we either need to tackle them and deal with them, or we can ignore them and let them bubble up and cause us problems later in life. And so I was really glad this came up because I didn’t know it was down there. I didn’t know I needed to deal with some things.

I didn’t realize I had been stuffing some pain, stuffing some discomfort and ignoring some things. So began to work through some of that with my counselor. The biggest issue at that time of my life is that my son had just started his senior year of high school and I was all of a sudden very weepy, very sad, like excited for him, but like just so, so sad for myself that he would be leaving. And I thought, wow.

I really overreacting to this. So I brought it up in counseling. was like, I need to get over this. This is bothering me. I don’t like it that I’m crying all the time. It’s September. It’s September. He doesn’t graduate till May. I can’t be crying this much in September. Like I need to be able to handle this year with grace and joy. And my counselor was like, okay, well, let’s dig into why this is so painful to you. And some of the things that he showed me was that

really had an idea in my mind of how the perfect family could bring me fulfillment. And so for 17 years of my life, I had these two, I had two beautiful children, a husband, and we didn’t have a grand perfect life, but I had worked my tail off to be a good mom and be a good wife. I felt like raising my kids was the one thing that I had done well with my life.

when they leave, when they graduate and they are no longer in the home with me, who am I? What is my purpose? And I thought, well, know, moms are supposed to have this crisis when their nest is finally empty. Why am I, you know, I still got my daughter home for a few years. I’ve still got my son here for one more year. I shouldn’t be this upset, but I’m glad it happened to me that early because it was tied to some other things, especially around my worth and feeling like

Well, without my kids, I don’t have a purpose and I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough, those kinds of things. And so I had to start working through some of those challenges. And side note, I am just so grateful for my husband and his compassion and just how he would tell the kids, your mom’s gonna cry this year and you just need to leave her alone. You need to not worry about it.

It’s just a season and she’s working through some things and don’t worry about her. She’s gonna be fine, just different. It really just touched my heart how he and the kids gave me space. And I tried not to cry in front of them because I especially didn’t want my son to feel bad or uncomfortable like he’s causing me pain.

But having my husband approach it like that and just say, know, basically mom’s learning how to grieve. It’s not a big deal. She’s going to be fine. We just need to give her space, love her through it, have some compassion. And I was super grateful for that, to have their support. And for the most part, I was able to keep my sobbing two private times. So, but what was great is, you know, I did

cry a little bit when my son was in boot camp, but for the most part, most of the emotion was the first half of the year. And because I was able to work through the grief, the second half of his year, I wasn’t quite as upset or emotional is the word. And I learned to really lean in and enjoy those last couple months with him home. And so I was just very grateful for the opportunity to learn how to work through grief.

And lament is something that’s really a concept that I had no idea about that God has really taught me over the years. And it’s something that I’m going to talk about again later because I feel like a lot of people are not taught how to lament, how to grieve properly. And so I will dive into that topic a little bit more later. It’s very dear to my heart because of just my own experience. But in any case, that came up. And so I recognize that

Part of the reason I was being so busy that I kept my schedule so full is that I didn’t want to deal with these uncomfortable emotions. I didn’t know how to deal with what was going on inside of me. So the more I stayed busy, the more I could ignore it. But the problem is when you don’t deal with things, it comes to the surface anyway. So I learned that the hard way in this case. So anyway, so that was the third thing that was going on.

for me as far as why I was so busy and reached a place of burnout. So I hope that my journey has given you some perspective on your own busyness and why your schedule is packed so full. Do you have a legit reason in this season to be this busy or are you staying busy because there some things going on inside of you that need to get taken care of? So as we go about this week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought.

Are you busy for the wrong reasons or the right reasons? Are you busy because it fulfills a void or a need in an unhealthy manner? Are you busy because you don’t know how to find joy and truly enjoy rest and relaxation? Are you busy because of unhealed disappointments and grief and you need to learn how to take care of those things? So those are the questions we’re posing. Those are the reflection items for you this week. So

Take those with you, think about them, and I’m excited about next week. I’m gonna start talking more about lies, labels, and limitations and start breaking those down, give you some definitions and share some things within my own life of how it looked for me. And so that’ll get the ball rolling on that particular topic. So please come back next week and join me as we talk more about lies, labels, and limitations. Have a great week, everybody. See ya.