E12: 5 Words to Eliminate From Your Vocabulary: Get Free From A Negative Mindset

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jennifer Cudmore (00:57)
Hey there everyone, welcome back. Have you ever paid attention to what is coming out of your mouth? What are you contributing to your environment? What are you creating around you with your words? That’s what I wanna dive into today. We talked a little bit about a negative mindset and along with that can come negative words or phrases that we don’t recognize as being a problem.

And so I want to suggest to you some different words, five words specifically that I have attempted to keep from speaking because they can be harmful. They can set limits. So I just want to reiterate that Bible verse in Proverbs 18, 21 that says, life and death are in the power of the tongue. So we get to choose what comes out of our mouth. We can choose either to speak things that bring life or things that bring

death as I went over when we were talking about the negative mindset. But today, I’m focusing specifically on some words that come out of a negative mindset. So, and I’m suggesting that you eliminate these because they interfere with personal growth. I’ve actually seen how they have caused me problems, kept me stuck, held me back.

and they do occasionally slip out. You’re probably never going to stop saying them,

But really having awareness around attempting to keep them from coming out of your mouth, you’re gonna find that it is a bit more freeing and you’re gonna start to see more possibility. So let me explain that a little bit further. If you use these five words, there’s a huge probability that you are stuck in a lie label or a limitation that is somehow sabotaging you. I’m suggesting that these are pretty much

always attached to incorrect narratives, false assumptions, wrong beliefs. And I encourage you that after you finish that you do some digging, create awareness around it and be mindful of the words that are coming out of your mouth and how these five words could be causing you problems, causing you harm in ways that you’re not noticing. So let me get started. So five words I’m suggesting that you eliminate from your vocabulary. The first one

it’s the word can’t or cannot, okay? When we say that word or think that word, it immediately creates a barrier in our mind. It immediately signals defeat instead of creating an open mind of opportunity. So you’re gonna end up, if you’re using this word, you’re gonna immediately, automatically,

have a skewed perspective on the limits of the potential, whether you’re talking about yourself, a situation, another person, you’re automatically limiting potential. when we say the word can’t or cannot, we’re actually creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. And if you haven’t heard that phrase before, it’s a belief in the incapability that can prevent someone from attempting to succeed.

So in psychology, it’s linked to the phrase of learned helplessness. Yeah, learned helplessness, making sure I said that right. And so what happens is the more we say it, then the more we believe it, that it’s not possible. And so we stop looking for opportunities. We stop looking for possibilities. And so it’s actually a learned thing, whether we learned it growing up in a certain household where they were, you know, our family may have been rather negative and they would say, can’t all the time.

could be just an environment at school So there are different ways where we get exposed to the concept of can’t and putting that limitation on and developing learned helplessness. And so another piece of that being according to the neuroscientific studies, when we believe that we can’t do something, it actually activates

a part of our brain that is linked to stress, anxiety, and avoidance. So that’s obviously going to make it harder to problem solve, to do the thing, to take a risk. And that keeps us stuck in a small life because we won’t do it because we’re too anxious, we’re too scared. We want to avoid it rather than try to face it. When we’re tempted to say can’t, it would be more empowering to reframe that from a place of, well,

It seems like maybe it’s not possible, but what if it is possible? What if this thing that I want to do may actually be available to me, may actually be something that can happen? And that, takes a little practice. when we…

open our mind to possibilities when we say, maybe I can, or maybe it’s possible, that creates positive feelings. We gain a sense of empowerment. Pardon me. We can expand our thinking. We can begin to consider possibilities. We can begin to look for opportunity, but the word can’t stops us from doing any of that. And really, a lot of times when we’re looking at a situation where we’re applying that word,

It’s a temporary fact. So for example, technically I cannot fly. I’m a human. Humans were not made with the ability to fly, technically. However, if I were to choose to pull back and expand my thinking and look at the opportunities and possibilities, what I would see is, well, actually there are ways that it is possible for me to fly. I can get in an airplane and I can travel places. So,

Technically, it is a fact that I am not capable of flying. However, there are ways that it can happen. So when we step back and think about what different possibilities there are about accomplishing a specific task, then opportunities will open up to us. We’ll begin to see things from that perspective of, this is possible. And here are some ways that it is possible.

When you first look at it, it feels like you can’t because you’re only looking at it from a narrow minded perspective, but really it is possible. You are capable, whatever. So that is the opposite of that would be a growth mindset. We embrace learning, we embrace improvement, we believe in ourselves and by believing in ourselves, we actually engage a piece of our brain called the prefrontal cortex, which is a region that’s associated with.

planning, decision making, adaptability. So by using the right language, by choosing the right attitude, we’re actually making life easier on ourselves and we’re giving ourselves the opportunity to have a better, more beautiful life.

I recommend eliminating the word can’t from your vocabulary as much as possible because it really can hold you back and get in the way. I’ll just tell you a quick story. When my son was around seven, we decided to put him in the taekwondo class at church. And after a little bit of encouragement from the coach,

we ended up deciding that all four of us were going to join the taekwondo class. My husband really wanted to do it and I actually thought it would be kind of fun and I wanted to get in shape. So really though, I struggled because I really didn’t think that I could do it. I wasn’t sure that I could do it, but I was trying very hard to not use the phrase can’t and to really lean into it. And so I remember going to my first test

the, don’t know how many months in that was, and thinking to myself, I don’t, I don’t, not sure that I’m going to be able to pass this. I just not sure that I’ve had enough practice. I’m not coordinated, whatever was going through my mind at the time. And I decided that instead of having that mentality of I can’t do this, I can’t pass that test that I was going to push through, I was going to show up and just do my best. and if I didn’t pass it, I mean, it’s not the end of the world. I could try it again later and pass it again later.

So we had to do a bunch of laps that day before we did the test. And I remember being so sick to my stomach. My face was burning hot, bright red. I could barely breathe. And I remember one of the teachers coming over and she pulled me aside over towards the trash can. And she kind of helped me turn away from the group. And she was like, hey, just take a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths. If you need to lose your lunch, go ahead and do that. It’s fine. And then we’ll just get right back to it. Not a big deal.

And she just really made me feel not only seen but safe in that moment that, okay, this is definitely going the way I thought it was gonna go, which is bad. But instead of saying I can’t and I give up, I was just pushing through it. And I ended up going back doing the test. I actually passed the test. I was amazed. I was so excited about it. so I just wanted to give an example of how I was really tempted to say that I can’t.

And I even proved to myself that I couldn’t for a moment. I really thought I was going to fail and not make it through the test. But because I kept going and didn’t allow myself that limitation, I ended up having a successful, a good outcome. And honestly, we ended up only staying in that program for about a year because Tim had ended up injuring his knee. And so he had to get surgery. And so we took a step back as a family. then unfortunately due to some differing

priorities, we ended up not going back. And so that is something that I have recently put back on my list of goals. I do definitely want to get back into trying that again. All right. So that’s enough with the word can’t. I feel like we’ve been talking about that a lot. So let’s move on to some other words. The next word that I highly recommend that you remove from your vocabulary is going to be the word try.

And honestly, this one’s been a little bit more of a challenge for me because it falls off the tongue so easily. But again, this is a word that immediately signals to yourself that there’s a limitation. The attitude of hesitation, uncertainty, lack of commitment. When we use the word try, we’re automatically giving ourselves a cop out or an excuse. And I call it a lazy word because it’s a word that we can throw around.

when we’re afraid of commitment or when we’re afraid of failure. I think a lot of times it comes from a place of being scared. And the problem is that when we use the word try, it reduces our motivation, it reduces our effort because we’re not feeling accountable. We’re not actually committed. So we don’t do the thing. We don’t do the work. So then in a way it creates an attitude of, I’m not going to do this well anyway.

So I’m just gonna put half my effort in. I’m only gonna show up a little bit and then I then I will have been able to at least pat myself on the back and say, well, I tried.

So a lot of times it is based in fear, fear of failure. If we don’t succeed, then we perceive ourselves as not being a good person, or we think other people will perceive us as not being a good person.

So when we use the word try, it makes us look good because we’re at least giving it a shot, right? But at the same time, we’re also setting ourselves up to not be able to do it well because that signal behind it, that attitude behind it is, well, I’m probably not gonna make it anyway. I’m probably not gonna succeed anyway. So I’m only gonna give half my effort. I’m only gonna show up part way.

Really if we would just go into it assuming that we’re not going to be great at it at first it would make it a lot a lot easier for us to push through if we were to have some self-acceptance if we were to push aside our insecurities and say okay I am NOT going to be great at this in the beginning and that’s what I told myself about taekwondo. I was terrible. I was so uncoordinated. I was so

out of shape. It was awful and it was embarrassing at times. But you know, when you hold onto your why, why am I doing this? What’s more important to me than the momentary discomfort or the long-term outcome? And so instead of just trying, I was really putting some effort into it. And when we’re secure in who we are, we’re okay with not being amazing at something. And we might struggle in the moment. I definitely had some times where I was like, my gosh, I look like such an idiot, but

then he has to pull back and say, it’s all right if I look like an idiot right now, just for the moment, because everybody who’s new is not going to be great at it. So I was actually reminded of this phrase the other day, and I did try to look it up and see who said it, and I’m not sure who to give credit to for the quote, but it says, be brave enough to suck at something new. And it’s just the idea of recognizing, okay, when you’re trying something, starting something that you’ve never done before,

you might look a little foolish and that’s okay. That’s normal. And to learn to be okay with that and be comfortable in your own skin enough to say, right, this is not so much fun. This is not so great, but you know what? I’m going to push through anyway. And it’s not about trying. It’s about fully committing. I actually don’t believe try.

is a relevant word, honestly, because I mean, there’s let me be Yoda for a second. You’re either doing it or you’re not doing it. We either follow through and put the effort in or we don’t really the concept of try is not even a thing. So be decisive, be bold, be brave, just go do the thing. No more trying. This is going to enhance your sense of agency. You’re going to feel more empowered and

I would suggest, you know, who do you want to be? Do you want to be that person who gives up easily or do you want to be that person who pushes through and reaches a place of success because you gave it your full effort? So there’s some things to think about as to why using the word try is not beneficial at all. All right. The next one that I suggest eliminating, this is another really powerful word. It subtly hinders our progress. It subtly hinders our wellbeing.

I highly recommend that you stop using the word should or shouldn’t, whichever direction you’re using it. And I say that because typically this word is coming from, when we say it, it is coming from a place of judgment and criticism. So let me explain that. When we say should or shouldn’t, we are imposing our opinion on the situation. So we are saying that this specific outcome was what ought to have happened.

This is the way the world is supposed to work. And if that outcome doesn’t come out, then there’s something wrong with me or there’s something wrong with the individual who took the action. And so it comes from a place of judgment. We’re either judging ourselves. What I should have done was this. That didn’t go well. So I should have done that. shame there. There’s condemnation there. We feel inadequate. We’re criticizing.

from a place not just of saying, that action was wrong, but I was wrong, that I am bad because this outcome didn’t work out the way that I wanted it to. So a better phrase is going to be simply pulling back and observing, you know what, that did not go so well and I’m okay with that. Whether it went well or not well is no estimation of my value and worth. It’s just a situation. So,

next time I can do it better. Next time I’ll do a different, I learned from this and I’m going to move forward. So coming to that situation from a place of a growth mindset instead of judging ourselves for getting it wrong. Another piece of that being that when you’re dealing with a situation where you feel like you ought to do something like I really should get out of this

recliner and go wash the dishes. I’ve had this internal battle a few times and what happens is it creates this conflict inside of us where we feel like we ought to do something but it’s not what we want to do and so there’s a lot of guilt that gets built up and guess what that begins to reinforce the decision that we’re not actually going to do the thing because we’re

We’re again, judging ourselves and coming at it from a place of, well, you know, this is what you should be doing. You have responsibilities and you ought to be getting out of this chair and going and washing those dishes. And so it creates this mental discomfort and it reduces our motivation to take action and do that thing that we probably really should be doing. Right. So it the word should or shouldn’t automatically comes from a place of judgment and typically for ourselves, but we can also do it to other people.

when you look at a situation and say, well, he shouldn’t have done that or she shouldn’t have said that again, we’re applying our opinion to the situation and assuming that our opinion is the only right way. And so what we’re doing is we’re putting external pressure or societal expectations on that person or on ourselves, if you’re going back, but we’re creating unnecessary stress and guilt for that person if we’re confronting them.

there is no happiness, success, no goodness that comes out of an attitude like that. It’s strictly a place of judgment where there’s no healthy resolution. So there’s no point in doing it. It comes from a place of anger or criticism.

when we need to be approaching people with an attitude of love or maybe even offering a solution. So when you’re approaching somebody, if you need to confront somebody about a situation where they did not handle it correctly, try to stay away from using the word should or shouldn’t because that is automatically going to put them in a place of assuming that they were bad or as a fundamentally bad as a human, okay?

So that’s my suggestion for that. Now the next word or really it’s a phrase, it’s two words, is sorry or I’m sorry. Apologies are so overused and they’re said so often with the wrong motive that it really has sort of ruined the point of using this word. And so let me explain why I’m saying that. When we say we’re sorry, it usually comes from

Well, there’s two ways that we typically use the word incorrectly. And when we abuse it this way, the entire motive behind it is avoiding conflict. So what I mean by that is this. First of all, we either say it from a place where it’s not actually genuine and we don’t mean it, but the point is we’re doing it out of obligation. We’re pretending everything is fine. We just wanna move forward. And the attitude behind it is condescension or even in a…

and a higher degree narcissism, we don’t actually care about that other person. We don’t actually care about getting to a resolution. We’re just saying it to smooth over the situation so we can get forward and get moving on to whatever it is that we wanna do. And so that is not the right way to use the word. And that is definitely a negative mindset if you’re coming at it from that direction. But the other direction that we come, which is…

not healthy is from a place of shame. We over apologize as a way of people pleasing. We’re trying to get that person to like us. We’re trying to make sure that person isn’t upset with us. And so we will apologize even when we’ve done nothing wrong. And I mean, it comes from a place of, I can’t have that person mad at me because that means there must be something wrong with me. We’re immediately putting ourselves in a posture of submission because we want to make sure that there’s no confrontation. There’s no conflict.

We just want the situation to be smooth and easy. And it comes from a place of fundamentally believing that there’s something wrong with us, that we have to apologize all the time. We have to, some people will just apologize just for showing up. And that it’s very sad because what it means is that there’s some heart issues or some wounds that are causing that insecurity and they have not gotten healing from that. And so we’re either, when we overuse

the word sorry, when we abuse the word sorry, it’s coming from a place of avoiding conflict, whether it’s a place of condescension or a place of insecurity. And so when you find yourself saying the word sorry, is it actually genuine? Because the correct motive behind apologizing is supposed to be remorse or what the Bible calls godly sorrow. And what we do is we show up, we own it, we say, what?

I did something wrong and I apologize, I am sorry. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. There doesn’t need to be any emotion attached. There doesn’t need to be any hidden motives behind it. We can’t really fully eliminate the word because there’s gonna be times where we do something wrong and we need to apologize. But what I would really encourage you to do is learn how to use it in the right ways. Watch yourself and check yourself. Are you using it in a negative manner or are you using it in the right way?

Okay, so down to word number five. The last word or set of words I should say that I would recommend eliminating is profanity, specifically the F word. And no, I’m not going to say it. I really detest this word, but it’s F-_-C-K. You guys know what word I’m talking about.

And also the variations of that, because there are different ways people will twist that word to sound similar, but then they can get away with not actually saying that word. I say that not using any of those variations would be the right decision because of the motive behind it. My husband, when the kids were younger, used to use this phrase of…

Cussing is the tool of a lazy mind or a weak mind. And I always thought that was kind of a fascinating concept. And I remember several times Tim would tell the kids, know, you’re really a lot smarter than that. You have a wide vocabulary. You need to use your words. You don’t need to use curse words. You don’t need to cuss and use profanity to get your point across. And I like to look at it as, I call the F word actually a puff word.

because it puffs us up when we use it. The point behind it, the motive behind it is that we wanna sound stronger. We wanna sound bigger. We wanna sound more powerful and more important. We think that that word gives a punch to our speech. And if sometimes it does, it’s used to emphasize something. And typically it’s used to express anger or some sort of rough, harsh, negative emotion.

people use it as a way to dominate a situation. They will say it over and over again, trying to put more power behind what they’re saying. And they think that it makes them come across as more, like I said, big, strong, important. And honestly, for me, it doesn’t. It makes me disrespect you.

I know that culturally it is becoming more acceptable to use cursing in everyday language. I have even heard someone go so far as to say that it’s going to eventually be fully integrated into societal conversations. I personally disagree. And I would recommend eliminating that word or even profanity in general from your conversation because the motive behind it is the problem.

And I would even go so far as to call it a death word when you’re referring back to that scripture in Proverbs 18. You’re speaking death into the situation when you say that. And so that’s my opinion. And that is why I think it is so detrimental to use that word. And I’ll just kind of wrap it up with this thought. There are several scriptures in the Bible that talk about

course language and how that is not beneficial to use that kind of language in your conversation. Specifically, let me read this one, Ephesians 429. It says, let no corrupt talk come out of your mouth, but only such that is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear. So the Bible tells us to speak life and to speak positively and that word brings people down.

it comes from a place of pride and dominance. And so that’s why I recommend not using profanity because of the motives behind it. There’s a better way to express yourself. The English language has a wide array of words that we can learn to use if we would put the effort into that. So.

That’s what I wanted to present to you today. Just five words and you may not be able to perfectly always eliminate these from your vocabulary, but I would suggest really working towards cutting those out because of the limitations and because of the negativity that are associated with them. So as you go about this week, I invite you to explore the depths of this final thought. Let’s be mindful of our language. Where are you using words like can’t,

try or should in ways that are actually sabotaging you. Where have you been abusing the phrase, I’m sorry, as a means to avoid conflict? Where have you been using cuss words and profanity to puff up your speech so that you can feel more important and more powerful? Where can you be more careful about what you say? Thanks, everybody. I hope you have a wonderful week.