E26 Stop Sabotaging Yourself With These Destructive Behaviors: How Avoidance and Escapism Are Ruining Your Life

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:01)
Today I’m gonna talk about one area of self-sabotage you have no idea that you’re doing. I’m gonna talk about how to become more aware of it and how to stop engaging in these destructive behaviors.

Hey everybody, thanks for joining Into the Depths podcast. I’m Jennifer, the host. This is where we dive into who we are and break free of who we’ve been. So thanks for coming. Be sure to grab the free resources that I’ve created. I’ve got those links in the show notes. I’ve mentioned that a couple of times, but I forget to talk about it a lot of times on the recording. So let me remind you about that. Be sure to sign up for my quarterly newsletter and the email announcements that I send out ⁓ just once or twice a month right now.

And also I wanted to make sure everybody knew I am starting a Patreon page or a Patreon account. So I’m excited about that I’m learning how to use it. So I’ll tell you more about that launch in a couple of weeks But I wanted to give you a heads up that that is coming. So To start off today’s topic. Let me share a story Most writers love to read I personally love to read historical fiction, which is what I write but ⁓ when it comes to ⁓

sitting down and relaxing and just wanting to ⁓ just kind of own some self-care and some rest, I typically will grab a good novel and it’s usually a clean Christian romance. A lot of times historical but sometimes not. I don’t mind a decent mystery here or there. So once I remember this one time where I had sat down to read a book and typically this is something I do like at the end of the day when I’m heading to bed or maybe on the weekends during my my Sabbath rest day. But this particular time ⁓

there was a project that I was supposed to be working on and I think I was supposed to be working on my book but I don’t remember exactly the details around the situation but God said to me loud and clear he said why are you reading this book and it took me a second like I recognized he wasn’t saying why did you choose this particular novel he was saying no what are you doing like why did you pick up a book right now

And so I kind of like had to pause for a second and I felt him directing me to this restlessness, kind of this turmoil that was going on inside of me. And the issue being that I was waiting on somebody to answer an email and resolve an issue that had come up. what was happening was I was feeling a little worried. I was feeling a little stressed. I was waiting on an answer. And in that tension of the waiting, I was really struggling with

⁓ being okay, was feeling okay. And so the first thing I did was I was like, okay, I just need to like, take a break I don’t know exactly what was going on in my mind, but I immediately reached for something that would distract me. And God said, you’re worried, you’re stressed and reading a book is not gonna make that go away. He said, you can’t truly rest if there’s turmoil inside of you that hasn’t been dealt with. You need to go back and dig into your heart and figure out what’s going on and get that taken care of.

And so that was a huge aha moment for me. And so that’s what I want to go into today because I I realized that one common area of self-sabotage that everybody deals with is this idea of avoiding escaping numbing their feelings because they don’t want to deal with them or they don’t know how to deal with them. And so what does that mean? What does it mean? ⁓ I heard this term.

recently of escapism and I was like, what is that? I have a vague notion of what it is. It’s sort of like this psychological term that people use So I was kind of digging into that because I wanted to learn more about it. And what I realized is that avoidance or escapism or trying to numb out the whole point of it is to attempt to

numb the inner turmoil. It’s the tendency to seek distraction or relief from something that’s unpleasant in our lives that we either don’t want to face or we don’t know how to face. And so typically that’s going to come in the form of seeking some sort of entertainment that’s distracting or engaging in some sort of fantasy that gets you out of the real world and into just like a different environment. And so the motivation behind it is always avoiding something uncomfortable.

And that doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it ends up causing us a lot of sabotage. So let me go into that more. So avoiding something uncomfortable is gonna look like, okay, I’ve got this stressful situation that I don’t know how to deal with, or I’m not sure how to fix. So it could be like a financial concern. Like I need to pay this bill, but I don’t have the cash for it, or I’ve got this expense coming up and I’m not sure how I’m gonna cover it.

It could be just like a problem at work that you don’t know how to solve. there’s ⁓ just like you have too much to do. So you’re stressed out because you’re super busy or you’re not getting along with your new boss or like, or there’s a coworker that’s causing trouble. Like there could be so many different things ⁓ that could happen and not just on the job.

It could be just feelings that are going on that need to be processed. Maybe it’s grief. I’ve, the last several episodes, I’ve talked a lot about grief. And so you can go back and learn more about that if you want some more tips and information on it. But when we don’t deal with our grief properly, it causes a lot of turmoil inside of us. It could be, you know, something smaller, like just a disappointment and you’re feeling sad.

⁓ and you haven’t fully processed all of that. It could be bigger things like you’re offended at somebody who hurt your feelings, or maybe you’ve got some bitterness towards somebody that needs to be resolved, but you’re waiting on an apology before you forgive them. There could be so many different ways that we’ve got all these emotions going on that we haven’t taken care of. And so that can cause a lot of restlessness inside of us and make us want to numb out, avoid, and escape. Another common thing is unresolved conflict.

a relationship, maybe you’re not getting along with your spouse, maybe you encountered a betrayal in a friendship, or maybe someone’s upset with you and you’re waiting for that to be resolved. A lot of times it’s, there’s this big issue here and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make this better. And so we’re stressed about it, we’re worried about it. ⁓ And because we don’t have a solution, we’ve got to find something to distract us from that discomfort.

It could be fear or dread of the unknown. This happens to me a lot and I’m working on this one, but a lot of times it’s just a lot of stress because you’re not sure what to expect about a new situation or fear that something’s going to go wrong, anxiety that you’re not going to get the outcome that you want. so ⁓ instead of trying to bolster your faith and trust in the Lord, you need to find something else to distract you and take the edge off. could be ⁓

an upcoming situation that’s really uncomfortable that you know that you’re gonna have to face like maybe a huge deal like you’re gonna go on stage or do a presentation at a work meeting or something. I those are kind of big things that can cause worry, fear and anxiety. Or it could be something as simple as, ⁓ I don’t know, maybe someone in your family is facing an issue and you wanna help them and you don’t know how to do it. There’s so many different ways.

that stress and worry can show up. Another big one too is that like we’re not sure how to move forward on a project. You don’t have any strategy or inspiration. This has happened to me several times when I’ve been trying to sit down and write a novel is that I’m like, well, I don’t know what this character is gonna do next, or I don’t know how to resolve this one situation. So instead of sitting down and putting effort into getting a solution, coming up with something.

⁓ Instead you just distract yourself you give up you quit you walk away and you’re like I’ll deal with it another day and so while sometimes taking a break can be good for something like that a lot of times that becomes a repetitive cycle and to where you’re never actually doing the thing that you need to get done the outcome is when you are escaping avoiding numbing out

It’s temporary relief. You’re not fixing anything. Nothing’s resolved. You still have that turmoil inside. And so while it feels good in the moment, you’re like, phew, I don’t have to deal with this issue. I’m not stressed or worried because I’m distracted. It keeps coming back and it’s not going to go away till you deal with it or until it somehow gets resolved on its own, which can occasionally happen. So what do those activities look like? What are those destructive behaviors that

A lot of the common ones for me, know binge watching TV can be huge, especially when you have ⁓ other people in your family who like to watch a show. You’re like, instead of doing my responsibilities, let me just sit down and say that I’m having family time ⁓ when really we’re just ⁓ obsessing over a TV show. these things in moderation and balance are not technically wrong. They’re not technically a sin.

So I wanna clarify that as I go into this list. The problem is when they get out of balance and we do it for the wrong reasons. So binge watching TV. I wanna make sure I clarify this. Like I’m not talking about intentional family time where you like sit down and do a marathon of Lord of the Rings or something like that. I’ve done things like that with my family and it was about being together, talking through things, enjoying the storyline, that kind of thing.

What I’m talking about is you’re purposely doing it to avoid or escape a responsibility or a situation you don’t know how to deal with or don’t want to deal with. So that’s it. That can be a huge one, especially some of those shows ⁓ that can be a little addictive to where it’s like there’s always a hook and there’s never a solution. So it just keeps sucking you back in and you’re like, what’s happening next? What’s happening next? Like a lot of times this is what soap operas do.

Anyhow, enough of that one. The next one being electronics or video games. so electronic games like on your phone can be fun as sort of just like a little mindless relaxing activity. But the problem comes in when you’re stepping into this fantasy world because you want to get away from the reality of a difficulty in life. And so the ⁓ concern with playing too many video games and getting out of balance with

with games that are on your electronics is that you get sucked more and more and more into this fantasy world and it keeps pulling you further and further away from real life. And there’s a real danger there of getting out of balance and not being able to cope with real life situations. Another one is shopping. There are a lot of people who they just feel good when they have new things, when they buy new things. And so they’re either hopping on Amazon or they’re running out to the mall because they’ve just.

They don’t feel good and they need something to feel better. So they’re just gonna get themselves a little treat. They’re just gonna buy some new shoes or a new shirt, whatever it is. And so that’s another thing that can get really out of balance. It’s a soothing or a coping mechanism that’s not good for us. So another one is food. And this is one I have a lot of experience in. I’ll just be brave and tell you.

You know, I’m one of those people that wants to reach for the salty cheesy snacks and that makes me feel better in the moment You know a lot of people will turn to ⁓ Sugary foods which are so bad for you. We definitely should be only eating sugar in in small quantities but I don’t have time to get into the physical side of our bodies, but ⁓ sugar is addictive and

So it’s like the cycle that we begin where we can’t stop eating it and we get sucked into that processed food and we get sucked into that, those desserts and sugary foods and ⁓ we get sucked into overeating. That’s one that I’ve had a problem with as well. You just keep going back for seconds or thirds because you’re like, this tastes really good. And you’re not focusing on what is my body need at the moment. You’re focused on this is making me feel better. I need to feel better. So I’m going to eat.

whether it’s overeating or excessive junk food or whatever. So that can be a huge issue for people, again, because it creates a cycle and you get sucked in. Another, along with that being using alcohol or drugs, any kind of substance that you’re using that is making the feelings of discomfort go away, that temporary relief from the

⁓ the things that are causing the stress and the anxiety and the fear. So that can be a huge one. And then one that is really huge in our culture these days is mindless scrolling on social media. This is getting out of control and it is very difficult to keep good healthy boundaries on this, I think, for a lot of reasons. And I won’t get into the brain science behind it, but it is so easy to get sucked down that vortex of

of YouTube videos or just like memes and reels and all the things because they’re entertaining and they’re distracting and they keep us from, things that are responsible because they make us feel good. So in moderation, these activities are not necessarily bad. It’s when they get out of balance and it’s when you’re doing them for the wrong motives. If you’re doing it to… ⁓

for health benefits or you’re doing it for like family time or if you’re doing it out of need, like obviously we have to go shopping at some point and get new clothes. Those are the right reasons, but when we’re doing it because we want to avoid an escape, there’s an issue.

So let’s talk about why this is actually a problem. I’ve kind of alluded to it because honestly, you look at these things and you’re like, who cares if I watch too much TV? I’m not hurting anybody. It’s only affecting me ⁓ wrong. And let me explain. These behaviors are not just destructive ⁓ to you, but they can also cause a breakdown in your relationships and they can also cause a lack of stewardship, a lack of responsibility. So you’re not showing up as your best self. So what I mean by that is,

⁓ These behaviors, when they’re out of balance, they’re a huge waste of time. They’re a huge waste of energy. They’re a huge waste of money sometimes, depending on how much money I’m spending on novels because I’m constantly consuming and wanting to escape into a fantasy world ⁓ or video games or whatever it is that you’re spending your money on. ⁓ But it’s also a waste of your potential because think about it.

It’s inward focused. It’s self preservation. You’re like, it’s all about me. I need to feel good right now because I don’t feel well. we could be out serving other people. We could be out being productive, doing something that’s giving back to the world. We could be making a difference in our sphere of influence, but instead we’re sitting alone doing these things that are focused only on making us feel better. That’s the entire goal.

So these behaviors become addictive and they create unhealthy cycles that bind us up and then we get stuck. And the more we keep going to that go-to thing, the more we remain stuck and it becomes a stronghold and it’s so difficult to break out after you’ve done those behaviors over and over and over again. It becomes your go-to. It becomes that comfortable place. But then you’re not dealing with your responsibilities. You’re not taking care of things that need to be taken care of. And it’s bad self-care because you’re not

addressing the inner turmoil that needs to be taken care of. As far as affecting other people, it absolutely does because when you ignore your responsibilities, let me just throw out an example. You don’t feel like cooking dinner because you’re upset over something that happened at work. So you’re throwing money at the fast food companies and wasting gas on running out and buying food that is not healthy for you and your family. so instead of staying home and focusing on serving your family by cooking,

⁓ healthier meals, you’re wasting time, energy, money ⁓ on something that is actually bad most of the time. Let me not just assume that you’re going to fast food. That’s typically what we do. We want quick and easy when we don’t feel great, right? Another thing being if you have your face in your phone every night for two hours, you are ignoring your family.

You are not bonding with them. You are not building healthy relationships and you are not giving to them. What if your family member had an issue at school or at work and they need to talk it out with you, but they don’t feel like they can approach you because you’re constantly behind that screen? What if you have a friend who needs to call and needs prayer, needs to talk something out and you can’t be bothered because you’re in the middle of a video game or you’re in the middle of a TV show that you don’t want to

to stop ⁓ watching because you’re like super into it. There’s just so many ways that this can cause problems in our relationships. And then another factor being a lack of stewardship because I know this is something that I’ve seen in my life a lot. I would rather read a novel than wash the dishes, scrub the toilets, wipe down the blinds, you know, all of that. And so if something’s bothering me and I…

know that I need to do some housework, my go-to is to say, ⁓ it’ll wait another week. It’ll wait another two weeks or whatever. I’m just going to grab a novel and sit down here for an hour or two and squeeze in some rest and relaxation. And that’s the other thing that I want to point out is these behaviors can bring, ⁓ or I’m sorry, these behaviors do not bring any solutions. They do not bring any refreshments.

You’re always going to come away from these behaviors feeling just as restless as you were before. The turmoil is still there. It never went away. And we can make all the excuses that we want. We can try to label it as self-care. I’ve totally done this. It’s awful. But I have made excuses and said, ⁓ I’m just reading this book because I’m stressed out and it will make me feel better. And that’s good self-care, right? I should take time for myself. Again, it is the motive behind it.

I am not truly getting any rest or refreshment if I haven’t dealt with the junk that’s going on inside my heart. So I can call it whatever I want. It doesn’t change the fact that it is not helping me at all. So here’s the truth. You cannot be your best self. You cannot live your best life and you cannot be all that God designed you to be if you do not address the junk that’s hiding in your heart.

We have to stop these destructive behaviors. We have to stop escaping, avoiding, trying to numb out because we don’t want to deal with what’s uncomfortable inside of us. So what’s the right response? I’ll go through a few steps that have worked for me, and then you can expound on this as you go. But when you feel that tendency, when you’re super uncomfortable about something or worried about something or you’ve got this restlessness going on inside of you,

That is your cue. And you can go to those destructive behaviors that have become a habit, or you can begin to build new habits. And let me suggest three steps. So the first step is you gotta recognize the problem. You gotta say, wait, there’s something wrong going on inside my heart. Let me take a look. Instead of ignoring it, let me dig deeper. So this is where reflection questions are gonna be super helpful, where praying and asking God for his help is gonna be.

super valuable. You’re going to say, why do I feel restless? What am I upset about? What’s truly bothering me? What is going on inside of me that is causing me to want to numb out and start there. And another really good question would be, am I believing a lie? Is there a limitation or is there a label?

around this situation or around this person or whatever’s going on, trying to recognize that there could be some negative thought patterns going on behind the scenes that are causing us to look at the situation the wrong way and causing us distress that we don’t realize we’re doing to ourselves. So you got to start with recognizing the problem and defining it. then step two is like, it’s

there’s always gonna be an emotion. And so guess what? We have to actually feel it. So you’ve got to step two, define the feeling and work through that emotion. So name it, like speak it out loud. Okay, I feel this right now because of A, B, C, whatever. Okay, so that’s owning it and acknowledging it. Okay, this is uncomfortable, but this is the truth of where I’m at right now. And then you have to actually let the emotion come.

You’ve got to feel it. There’s science behind it that says their intensity of an emotion typically lasts a couple of minutes. So give yourself a little bit of space ⁓ to let that kind of have its way, let it finish, and then you can move on. It is very difficult to make a wise decision when we’re super emotional. So we’ve got to go through that process, get it done, get it out of the way so that we can move forward into truth. And so that’s going to be step three, learn better coping tools.

And this may take a little work on your part because some of us don’t always know ⁓ what works well for us. I have learned that going out for a walk is extremely beneficial for me. It helps me clear my head. It helps me process. Sometimes I’ll talk it out with the Lord. Sometimes I’ll just fume and like work my way through the emotions. There is something about exercise that is so, so good for our hearts and minds. And I know there’s some, some

science benefits to that and I don’t have that data right now, you can look into it. But ⁓ just moving your body can be extremely helpful in releasing stress, releasing tension. And then begin to focus on the facts. What is really going on here? What does God say about this situation? Is there a Bible verse that can help me focus on some truth here instead of getting spun up in my emotions?

and my worries and my fears. so ⁓ these steps are gonna be, or this part of the process is gonna look a little bit different depending on the topic or the issue that you’re dealing with. But as you begin to do this more, you’re gonna understand what works well for you and what works well in the different types of situations that you face. And so…

Sometimes it’s going to mean you need to take some action. You need to go do the thing that you have been avoiding like that responsibility if it’s housework or a project or whatever. Maybe it’s taking the time to call a friend ⁓ because you just need a listening ear. Maybe ⁓ you need to call somebody because you need help processing a conflict. So you need some advice or some ideas like here’s what’s going on. What would be a good way to approach the situation? Maybe we just need a really good pep talk or some encouragement that’s

somebody to cheer us on that says, you can do this. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. You’ve got this and I’ll pray for you It could be that you have to actually tackle the uncomfortable situation, the conflict. Maybe you need to reach out to that person that betrayed you. Maybe you need to go to that family member and say, you know what, that really hurt my feelings and maybe it shouldn’t, but this is where I’m at. And so let’s talk about it.

There’s so many different actions that we can take based on the situation that are actually gonna propel us towards a solution instead of ignoring it so that it festers and just creates even more turmoil inside of us. So

this is a huge area of self-sabotage and it is so easily overlooked. I overlooked this for so long because I was calling it something else. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving myself a break and choosing a restful activity. It wasn’t until I began to recognize, well, this actually hasn’t solved my problem, doesn’t serve me at all, and actually sometimes makes me feel worse. And ⁓ I’m not getting…

any rest, I’m calling it rest, but it’s not actually rest. I don’t feel refreshed afterwards. So recognizing the truth and beginning to change our habits. So as we go about this week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought. Where are you stuck in a cycle of numbing out? Start paying attention to your tendencies and tend your heart. You need to get in there and deal with some things. You got to face that junk and start working through it. And part of it might be

that if there’s some serious deep wounds or even some trauma, you’re going to have to go get some professional help. So maybe it’s time to admit to yourself that you might need a little bit of assistance working through some of this. I don’t know, something to consider. But what have you been avoiding or what do you keep avoiding? What do you keep trying to escape from because it’s super uncomfortable and you don’t want to have to face it. You don’t want to have to deal with it.

Can we be brave and start working towards those things? Can we start creating some good, healthy habits instead of escaping and avoiding? How can you implement a better response when you’re feeling restless and uncomfortable with some things going on in your life? So, bless you, friend.