E29 From Shame to Strength: How to Replace Negative Coping Habits with Life-Giving Rhythms

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
Welcome to the show. Thanks for joining. I’ve got Roslyn here with me today. You know, I talk about her a lot. She’s my very good friends. So thanks for joining us again. So let’s talk about how to build better coping skills, especially when life feels hard and our emotions are high, right? So I think the first of all, I want to tackle the issue of shame because a lot of times we’re like, man, I shouldn’t have this or I shouldn’t have that.

Rosalynn Lasley (00:08)
Yeah, I’m happy to.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (00:27)
I’ve got to change, I’ve got to do better. And so it comes from this place of feeling bad about ourselves and feeling like we ought to be this better person, whatever this vision that we have of how we should or shouldn’t act. how often do you find yourself feeling more motivated by shame, would you say?

Rosalynn Lasley (00:42)
Like never, ⁓ but it’s funny because it’s not something that works and yet it’s not something I actively have gotten away from. it’s a conscious battle to try to find different ways to motivate myself instead of beating myself up for the areas where I struggle.

Jen Cudmore (00:45)
you

Right.

yeah, like I used to be the queen of berating myself like, you’re so stupid. I can’t believe you did that. And so that would be like, okay, I’ve got to do better next time. it’s like, mm, yeah, that’s not really how it works. That doesn’t get us to the place that we need to be. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:16)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (01:16)
the truth is that condemnation actually can be paralyzing. And the Bible’s pretty clear. It says in Romans 8 verse 1, there’s no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So God doesn’t like it when we’re berating ourselves. He doesn’t like it when we use shame and feeling like an idiot to, ⁓ you know, sitting in that place of where we’re feeling bad and we’re stuck in that, man, I wish I would have this or.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:20)
Absolutely.

Jen Cudmore (01:44)
⁓ rehearsing how I can do better next time, that place of ruminating, that’s the word I’m looking for. Just ruminating over and over, here’s what I should have did and I can’t believe I this or whatever. Coping field.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:48)
Mm hmm. Yeah.

And I think for me,

some of it comes from comparison. So I look at the way other people are doing things, or I assume that they’re handling something a certain way, or they’re more organized, or they’re more put together, or they’re smarter, or whatever it may be. And so then my shame magnifies because I feel like I’ll never be like everybody else, or I’ll never get to that place where I don’t struggle with this or that. And so that root of my shame is comparison.

⁓ seeking the approval of others, which in reality they may not even think about me in those places. They may not even consider if I’m good or not good at something. And so it’s just my own fears of what if everybody thinks I’m as terrible as I feel on the inside.

Jen Cudmore (02:42)
Exactly. We feel highlighted. like, my gosh, everybody is like hyper focused on this thing that I did wrong or the way that I, the way that I like, everybody sees like, I ate more food at dinner than the rest of them. So they probably have all these thoughts about me and what, you know what I mean? Like we make up these things in our head about what other people are thinking or feeling. And we get.

I mean, that is so easy to do over and over. We just make this assumption of what other people are thinking about us in the way we behave or the way we showed up in a certain situation.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:16)
Yeah, and one of the things that it’s funny, because I try and use this strategy with my kids, but I don’t use it for myself, which is silly. But I’ll ask them, like, did you think about other people in their bathing suit? Did you think they didn’t look good in their bathing suit? Did you think somebody else was overeating? Did you think these people were doing bad on this test? And they’re like, no. I was like, so what makes you think other people are thinking that about you? You know, like, look around. There’s not a single person in this pool that’s looking at you. Nobody cares what you look like in your bathing suit.

Jen Cudmore (03:38)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:45)
So just trying to reassure that our shame is magnified internally because then we are not victorious and when we continue to ruminate on these shameful things, ⁓ that is what becomes powerful in our lives. But the reality is that’s not the truth. And that’s not how God wants us to focus on our behavior, our life, our activities, ⁓ because shame is not where we overcome.

Jen Cudmore (04:10)
Yes, exactly. And I think along with that comes the idea that my gosh, I messed up again God’s gonna be so mad at me. I deserve to be punished and I think especially ⁓ if you focus a lot on the Old Testament where there’s a lot of you know stories about God’s wrath and judgment because people wouldn’t soften their hearts and repent and come back to him and so it can be For me, this wasn’t such a struggle, but I have friends who really worry all the time. my gosh

Rosalynn Lasley (04:19)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (04:38)
God is mad at me. How do I make him happy again? How do I quit doing this behavior? ⁓ man, shouldn’t have eaten like I’m eating too much sugar. I shouldn’t have had that extra cookie or I shouldn’t have eaten that big of a portion of desserts. And then ⁓ that shame leads us to that place of

Rosalynn Lasley (04:40)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (04:55)
I deserve a punishment from the Lord and God must be mad at me and that’s not true.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:57)
Right.

No.

Well, and for me, like I have a hard time being gracious and kind to myself for some reason, but I wouldn’t ever treat somebody else that way. Like I don’t care if somebody has dessert. And I often joke about, you know, I’m the worst friend to have if you’re on a diet, cause I’m like, I’m going to eat it cause it’s delicious. So, ⁓ like I’m not judging them, but I have this fear of them judging me or, ⁓ my own.

Jen Cudmore (05:18)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (05:25)
and so I think how silly like if I wouldn’t talk to somebody else this way why do I talk to myself this way?

Jen Cudmore (05:31)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, there’s been exactly there’s been times I one of the more areas I struggle lately is the scrolling you’re like, my gosh 30 minutes just passed and I hit I didn’t mean to be on Facebook so long I was just like, you know, and that’s a huge one I think in our culture today is the scrolling the mindless scrolling and such a waste of time and Energy and all the things but I will catch myself. I’m like gosh what?

Rosalynn Lasley (05:38)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (05:57)
Why did I do that? I have so many other things and so I have to be

Rosalynn Lasley (05:59)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (06:00)
like, no, Jen, no, it’s not about, you you’re a terrible person that you did that. It’s about being more aware and saying, okay, I really want to cut back on this bad habit. What can I do to change it? So shame, all it does is make us feel bad and make us more stuck. That’s all it does.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:18)
Right.

Well, the interesting thing too is like our phones have tools to help with the scrolling and the distractions because we’re not the only ones that struggle with it. if, cause if that was the case, they wouldn’t have advanced technology to have these tools where you can lock certain apps or

Jen Cudmore (06:25)
Yeah.

Good point.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:35)
limit

your time, but we feel like, why, why am I wasting so much time? But it’s hard to get out of that rut of like, I need to do this or I want to do this or, you know, whatever it may be. But again, like we get stuck in that, you know, if work was hard, we’re doing these things to kind of numb our mind because we’re not sure what else to do. Or it feels good in some ways, like we get that dopamine rush from the funny videos we’re watching or connecting with people.

But again, it’s a vicious cycle because then there’s that comparison again that leads to shame.

Jen Cudmore (07:08)
Yep, exactly. That’s a whole nother issue. I think we’ve talked about that a little bit too. So I just wanted to point out that if you’re one of those people that tends to get, you know, struggle with the God must be mad at me and the shame of, ⁓ I’m such an idiot. I can’t believe I keep doing this. Just remember that God, ⁓ God’s about transformation. He’s not about like,

Rosalynn Lasley (07:13)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (07:30)
pointing out your faults. so try to give yourself some grace in that area. He wants to partner with you for transformation to not use those, ⁓ not go to those negative habits, but to develop healthy habits. so working with him is a much better motivator because number one,

Rosalynn Lasley (07:32)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (07:50)
we can become all that he’s designed us to be, that leads us to a better life, that leads us to a better version of ourself. But it has to be motivated from a place of, know what, God, I want what you want for me and my life. And you don’t, you have shown me that mindless scrolling for 30 minutes or three hours is not good for me. It doesn’t, you know, further the kingdom, doesn’t.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:09)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (08:11)
you know, bring you glory, any of that. So I want to get away from that and spend my time and energy on something that’s much more beneficial for the kingdom and for myself. But then also not just becoming the person that God wants me to be, but also developing the life that I want. Is this really the life I want to spend three hours, you know?

Scrolling on social media or you know having a huge bowl of dessert every single night. That’s really bad for my body Right, so it’s thinking about wait a minute. ⁓ I want to be better. want to have better. So let’s move towards change Let’s move towards transformation. So coming from a place of

Rosalynn Lasley (08:40)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (08:51)
Instead of shame and condemnation and the whole I’m such an idiot thing, you know approaching it from a no what I really want for myself is something better So i’m not going to use that coping habit anymore

Rosalynn Lasley (09:03)
Right,

and sometimes we struggle to do it in our own strength. know, and even like scripturally, talks, and Paul, I can’t even remember what part of the gospel, but Paul talks about, you know, three times I’ve asked the Lord to take this from me, this thorn in my flesh, and it never tells us what that is, and I think that’s obviously intentional because God wants us to be able to relate to that, where we all have these struggles, and we’re like, why do I keep messing up? Why do I keep making these choices? Why?

Jen Cudmore (09:07)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (09:30)
Am I still struggling with this even though I want to do different? ⁓ So it’s God’s way of showing us like, you’re not the only one and I still love you and I’m still going to use you. It doesn’t mean that I want you to stay stuck in this place or even use it as a cop out where we’re like, only God can judge me so I can do whatever I want kind of thing. ⁓ But I’m reminding you that those that I’ve used the most, know, Paul is all through scripture doing crazy, incredible things.

Jen Cudmore (09:48)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (09:58)
and he’s still struggled. So it’s a reminder that like you are a work in progress. You don’t have to be perfect. Your shame is not helping you, but let’s continue to work towards refining you to who I’m calling you to be.

Jen Cudmore (10:11)
Yeah, that’s great.

one of the things I was thinking about is, and when I talked the other day about ⁓ coping mechanisms and escapism, avoiding all of that kinds of things, I really focused on the things that we do that are not good for us. But I think a great question is, okay, well then what is good for me? What makes a habit healthy? And so I thought that would be good to throw out. ⁓ I mean, what are your thoughts on that? What makes a habit healthy?

Rosalynn Lasley (10:31)
Yeah. Right.

I

in the end, ⁓ does it improve your quality of life? ⁓ Not just your current mood or your immediate situation, but long-term, how does it improve your quality of life? And not just personally, because a lot of times, especially in our culture, it’s very individually-minded. We have self-care, and there’s a balance there, obviously. ⁓

Jen Cudmore (10:45)
Yes.

Yes, that one.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:06)
Is it developing the relationships in your life? Is it improving your skills and your contributions, your giftings? Is it helping you grow? Is it challenging you in a good way? Because if it’s not, then it’s probably not healthy. Do I have to hide it? Is it something that, again, leads to that shame thing? So whether it’s overeating or scrolling or drinking or even…

Jen Cudmore (11:25)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:33)
things that are as crazy as pornography and things like that. People use those for coping as well. And if it’s something I feel like I have to hide, it’s probably not a healthy coping mechanism.

Jen Cudmore (11:38)
Yeah.

100%, I’m so glad you brought that up because there are times where we’re like, oh, I don’t want people to know that I’m doing this thing. Well, let’s investigate, like why? It probably means that you shouldn’t be doing that, that that’s not serving you, it’s not good for you, it’s not producing good fruit in your life. So definitely, if you’re feeling the need to hide your bad habits, that’s a red flag and that you can…

Rosalynn Lasley (11:52)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (12:08)
talk to the Lord about how do I replace this with something else. I love what you said ⁓ about quality of life. Definitely a healthy coping mechanism is gonna improve or benefit you and yours, right? ⁓ I think also what I’ve learned is that, how do I feel when I’m done with this activity? After I’ve had that big bowl of ice cream, how do I feel? Well, I ate it, I felt great. But then when I’m done eating it, it’s like, mm, yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:29)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (12:38)
Like my stomach’s not super happy with me right now or you know, or how do I feel when I’ve spent 30 minutes mindlessly scrolling on Facebook? How do I feel when I’ve spent several hours reading that novel when I should have been washing the dishes? ⁓ Not as great as I assumed going in. Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:41)
Yeah.

Right. And

there’s that balance too, like am I withdrawing? And that’s one of my coping mechanisms is withdrawing when I’m overwhelmed or ⁓ upset or feeling shameful or whatever it may be I pull away. And is it something that’s, you know, am I pouring into my kids? Am I looking them in the eye? Am I having ⁓ meaningful conversation with my family? Am I only half listening because I’m scrolling? And so just what is the end result is a huge thing.

Jen Cudmore (13:00)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:26)
you know, do I feel temporarily better or in the long run is this something that I can look back and say, you know, yes, this day was hard, but in the end it was great because I got to do X, Y, Z and ⁓ it helps me not care so much about whatever it may be that I’m struggling with.

Jen Cudmore (13:43)
Yeah, that’s so good. I mean, though.

better quality of life and how do we feel afterwards? Are we refreshed, renewed? Did this better my life in some way? I think a great example for me is when I used to try to convince myself that I needed to exercise. You and I both agree, exercise is not our favorite thing, but we know that our bodies need to move. God made us to move. We weren’t made to just sit on the couch all day. We understand that, but how do you motivate yourself? For me, I used to.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:00)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Now.

Jen Cudmore (14:14)
It was always about shame. Like, oh, I should be, I should be exercising. I should be going to the gym. I should be lifting weights. Right. But now I’m like, wait a minute, getting out for a walk 20, 30 minutes, you know, a few times a week that actually really helps my brain. And that really helps me feel energized. Like I’m much more creative. I’m much less tired. There’s so many benefits. So it’s like that for me, that was just a real life example of moving from a place of

I should change and I should do this behavior because if I don’t, I’m a bad person. Moving into the, my gosh, this is making my life so much better by using a walk instead of turning to something else or sleeping in or laying on the couch or whatever. Feels good at the moment.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:53)
Right.

Yeah. Yeah. Well,

and it’s a balance too, because there are times where like your body does need rest. There are times when if you’re just completely, you know, mentally or emotionally drained that you do need to withdraw, that you do need to sleep a little bit more. Your body, I mean, you may decide that you are going to have a little bit of ice cream or whatever it may be, but it can’t be a permanent or a long-term thing.

Jen Cudmore (15:10)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (15:30)
you have to try and if you can’t do it in your own strength, reach out to somebody that you do have a relationship with where you can say, listen, this is really difficult for me and can you walk through this with me? Can you do this activity? Can you help me think of things I can do to help cope with this because I’m really struggling? And then the shame of struggling fuels that it’s just a vicious cycle, but I’m not sure how to approach this differently.

Jen Cudmore (15:56)
when I would get really restless is when there was a situation where I was waiting for a resolution. then what the Lord showed me is that because I couldn’t handle that tension, I would eat more often. And I’m not so much of a snacker, but when I would make my lunch, it would be…

lots of processed salty ⁓ cheesy types of foods that were not what my body needed but it felt good in the moment and I would eat large helpings of it and so what the Lord showed me was that

⁓ that was an unhealthy coping mechanism and that I needed to be okay with discomfort. I needed to learn to be okay being uncomfortable, which we’ve addressed in other episodes. And so when I find myself, I mean, it’s been a few years why I’ve been really working on this. Like I feel that tension. I feel that restless listen. I’m like, man, I’d really like, you know, a big plate of cheese fries or, you know, something like that. And I’m like, wait a minute, that’s actually not what I need right now.

Rosalynn Lasley (16:41)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (17:01)
What I need is something else. So what would be a healthy habit? What I try to do is either like spend some time journaling, just hang out with God more often, spend time in prayer. Sometimes it’s going for a walk. So trying to find healthy habits, I think in the beginning can be difficult, ⁓ but once you start developing those habits, it’s not so bad. So what are some of the healthy habits that you try to do when you’re coping with something difficult?

Rosalynn Lasley (17:26)
So

for me, I have a very creative brain and so like when my hands are busy, or I’m sorry, when my mind is busy, it helps when my hands are busy. So like I like to make greeting cards, sometimes I like to paint. I’m not necessarily very good at it, but I really enjoy it. So I’ll pull up like YouTube tutorials for like beginner painting and paint or watch the tutorial multiple times until I’ve kind of mastered it because it helps me to…

Jen Cudmore (17:40)
That’s so good.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:55)
just work through whatever’s difficult. One of the other things that, and it’s biblical too, but laughter is a good medicine. so finding whether it’s like a funny show we can watch together as a family or doing things that end up leading to laughter or playing board games or things like that, ⁓ just, I don’t know, after a good laugh, I always feel so much better. And it’s just, I’m like, thank you Lord for designing us for something so enjoyable to help get through things. But there’s times where it’s like,

I don’t want to be around people. I don’t want to engage, but I feel better once I’m done.

Jen Cudmore (18:30)
That’s so good. mean, definitely I’ve done that too. Man, it’s been a really hard day or a really stressful week. You know what? Let’s grab some, let’s watch some AFV and laugh through some funny home videos or, you know, whatever. What I really want to do is eat 10 pieces of pizza, but that’s not good for me. So let’s just, you know, chill in front of the TV and laugh over some stuff. And that always, always, always you feel better after something like that. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (18:39)
Yeah.

Bye.

Yeah.

And, you know, depending on the relationships too, sometimes affection helps. Like I just really need a good hug. ⁓ you know, and walks are great too. Like, ⁓ it’s hard right now because where we live, it’s pretty hot. but like in the springtime we were doing family walks pretty regularly. And that was great because we’re walking and we’re talking or you don’t have the distractions of our phones or the TV or anything. We’re outside. It’s just us. We’re walking. We’re getting some fresh air.

Jen Cudmore (19:00)
Yeah.

⁓ that’s awesome.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:21)
and having the opportunity to talk without distraction. ⁓ And also you’re getting those ⁓ feel good hormones while you’re moving your body. So it was, you know, two tenfold really, but those are healthy coping mechanisms. And sometimes I still struggle with seeking those things because I refer back to my old habits of these are the things that are familiar to me or the things that I just, you know, I guess in a weird way I’m good at this unhealthy coping mechanism.

Jen Cudmore (19:48)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:49)
And so trying this other thing is really unfamiliar and challenging and it takes practice, but in the end it does improve your quality of life. And also like those who may be in your sphere of influence are drawing from your example of, know, life is hard, but I’m not pouring a glass of wine and ⁓ laying in the bath until two in the morning getting intoxicated and avoiding my family or I’m not doing this or that. I’m learning that.

Jen Cudmore (20:14)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:17)
man I was really stressed out so we’re gonna go for a walk. Man I was really stressed out so I painted this really cool picture. Man I was really stressed out so I went outside and gardened for a while and found joy in seeing things grow. And we’re teaching our kids and the next generation ⁓ that uncomfortable feelings don’t last but good habits do.

Jen Cudmore (20:38)
Yes, so good. That’s so good. I’ve also found like I’ve got to have those go-to things in the moment when I’m upset. Okay, instead of defaulting to that thing that’s not good for me, let me, you like you said, do that thing that’s uncomfortable, but I’m building new habits. I mean, that could even be just a conversation with a trusted friend, you know, meeting somebody for coffee. I mean, there’s so many different ways and everyone needs to figure out what works for them. But I think that, ⁓

Another thing that’s really helpful is learning to sort of maintain a lifestyle of peace. And I think this just comes with maturity in the Lord. Like the more you grow as a believer in Christ, the more you learn to let things roll off your back a little easier. And the more you get healed, the less things bother you. So you don’t get upset as often. so I think it’s…

Rosalynn Lasley (21:24)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (21:27)
while definitely you want to have those go-to things in the moment, it’s also important to strive for that lifestyle of healing and freedom. once you work through a bunch of things in your life, then like I said, you, you’re not going to be bothered as often. And I’ve noticed that over the years of, this situation, when it came up 10 years ago, like threw me for a loop and I overreacted for weeks. But now when that thing happens,

Rosalynn Lasley (21:54)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (21:56)
you know, I can, I can handle it much better. I’m over it within a couple hours and I don’t need to reach for extra dessert or you know, a cigarette or whatever.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:06)
Yeah, well, and

then sometimes we’re reacting to situations from a place of our wounds. You know, it’s not necessarily the situation itself that is upsetting. It’s that it triggers something in us that is not healed yet, whether it’s an insecurity or a past trauma or destructive habits previously where like it just brings all of that right to the surface.

Jen Cudmore (22:11)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (22:30)
And so then we struggled to cope with it in a healthy way because we’re back to that place where we were first broken. And so as we continue to work towards healing those wounds that we have and the traumas that we have that cause unhealthy reactions, the unhealthy reactions happen less frequently because we’ve started to overcome them.

Jen Cudmore (22:49)
Yeah, Another thing that has been working for me is I don’t see myself as sort of a fearful, anxious person, but obviously everybody deals with a certain amount of fear and anxiety. And so I’ve learned a couple things that have helped me in the moment of deep breathing or tapping. Have you tried, have you heard about tapping?

Rosalynn Lasley (23:08)
I have, and I had started therapy last year and she’d gone through some of the like grounding techniques and tapping and things like that, but I could never remember how to do them. So I didn’t ever, I needed to put them into practice more often than I was, but then it led to that shame of like, I should remember this cause she told me and gave me the handout and I haven’t touched it. know, so I, it just didn’t work for me, but I didn’t put enough effort into trying to make it something that was a, like I could recall in a moment that I needed it.

Jen Cudmore (23:16)
Gotcha.

yeah.

Yeah.

Right, which, well, we’re going to talk about that in a minute. ⁓ At first, I thought the concept of tapping was a little silly because I was like, OK, if I’m super freaked out, it just didn’t logically make sense. Obviously, the more I dug into it, the more I realized the science behind it. And you can either tap on your ⁓ collarbone up here or in the middle of your sternum. ⁓ There’s different.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:41)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (24:02)
People that recommend different things another thing that I heard about and I can I was have a hard time figuring this out the butterfly Hug, it’s similar to tapping where you like make it a butterfly over the chest with your ⁓ heard of that one. Okay a Friend of mine sent me that and I’ve tried it a couple times. You can’t really do that in public at least I feel like you can I feel a little silly but I ⁓ I tend to stick to when I’m super Fearful over something in the moment

Rosalynn Lasley (24:10)
Mm.

I think I’ve

Jen Cudmore (24:29)
tapping does definitely help. So anyhow, I wanted to throw out several different types of ideas for some coping mechanisms that people can try. But yeah, let’s move on to the concept of how do you replace the old with the new? Like it’s not simple because you’ve built those habits over years or decades and you’re like, the first thing I’m going to do is go eat some chips, right? Or the first thing I’m going to do is freak out and scream and yell or, you know, throw a fit.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:31)
Yeah.

Yeah.

think ⁓ for me, I often try too many things at once. ⁓ I think I strive for perfection and then when I am afraid that I’m not gonna meet it or I am physically not meeting it, then I don’t try at all because I’m afraid I’m not gonna do well. ⁓ And so I wanna do all the things all at the same time or nothing at all. And so I need to find that balance of like, it’s okay to just try one coping habit.

Jen Cudmore (25:02)
⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (25:26)
that different ⁓ and see if that works for me and if that sticks. And then once it does, it’s okay to try the next one. I don’t have to do all the things all the time because then it gets overwhelming when you feel like you’re failing.

Jen Cudmore (25:39)
yeah, it is overwhelming to think, my gosh, well, since that didn’t work, I really need to figure something else out. And then we kind of almost in a way panic, like, I’ve got to figure this out. And so I think it’s really important to sit back and remember, no, God is all about grace and he gives us time to figure things out and he doesn’t expect us to change in a day or whatnot. But I think a super important step

Rosalynn Lasley (25:49)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Right.

Jen Cudmore (26:02)
beginning step is like how to recognize your triggers. Like what makes me upset and what kinds of situations gets me into that place where I’m automatically reaching for that thing that’s not good for me. And beginning to have awareness around, I know for me that was a really… ⁓

difficult thing. don’t know why. For some reason, I just wasn’t very in tune with myself and my emotions, I guess. Some people are more intuitive and more reflective. ⁓ But for me, that was really tough. I wouldn’t recognize the trigger, which meant I didn’t recognize I was reaching for that unhealthy coping thing. So I think learning to become aware and identify your triggers is a really important first step.

Rosalynn Lasley (26:39)
Right.

Well, I think sometimes it’s hard to identify that the coping mechanism isn’t healthy. Because if it’s not blaringly, obviously unhealthy, then we might not even identify it as something that’s not good for us. ⁓ Or the activity or whatever it may be in the moment doesn’t seem like it’s problematic, but the outcome is. So, know, like overspending at the time, it seems like, ⁓ the kids did need new clothes or I did need this or that.

Jen Cudmore (26:51)
Yes.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:12)
But then in the end, it’s like, yeah, but you didn’t need to spend that much money. Like you could have gotten what you needed without going overboard. And now you’re stuck trying to make ends meet without the full budget that you had set before, because you weren’t happy and you overspent or overeating. Like, sure. In the moment, it didn’t seem like it was a big deal, but then afterwards you don’t feel well. You know, maybe your body’s not as healthy as it once was. And so it’s not necessarily the activity that you can identify as a trigger. It’s the outcome. And so I think.

Jen Cudmore (27:26)
Yup.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:42)
being able to kind of, if you figure out where you’re at, you can work backwards to figure out where it came from. And that’s how you start being able to overcome and heal from the things that have, like you said, hurt you and cause you to continue to repeat these behaviors that in the end, you don’t necessarily want them, but you’re not sure how to get out from under them.

Jen Cudmore (28:05)
I’m so glad you said that because that’s actually what happened. That was kind of how the process looked for me in cutting back on the overeating thing is, ⁓ you know, for so long, I didn’t even realize that putting that much food in my body was bad for it, you know, harmful. And then once I began to recognize that, then I started asking myself, my goodness, why do I put so much food on my plate? Like, ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (28:20)
and

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (28:30)
It’s not like I want to pig out, right? It just, you know, it became a habit. And so definitely I worked backwards. Okay, this is the behavior that I don’t really like. That’s not pleasing to the Lord and he’s kind of challenging me on. so, you know, filtering it back to, okay, well, what was that trigger? And so I definitely agree with the idea of doing the process backwards.

Rosalynn Lasley (28:34)
Yeah.

I think one of the other challenges too is that a lot of our unhealthy coping mechanisms are common and so they seem just normal. You know, it’s like there’s that, I can’t think of what it’s called. I’ve heard the phrase before though, but it’s like that mommy wine culture where mommy had a hard day, so mommy needs to drink and it’s like glorifying alcoholism in a sense. And I know that’s kind of a harsh.

Jen Cudmore (29:00)
Yes.

Rosalynn Lasley (29:18)
way to phrase it, but it does lead down that dark path ⁓ of alcoholism when at first it was just, you know, moms getting together to have a glass of wine because the kids were crying all day long. And so ⁓ we identify things as acceptable or common in our culture without realizing that just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s good for us. And so, ⁓ you know, being able to identify like, is this something that I think is fine because everybody else is fine with it, but it’s not actually fine for me. It’s not actually what…

the Lord is wanting in my life and is this what’s helping me to become the best version of myself so that I can serve Him well.

Jen Cudmore (29:56)
Yeah, There’s definitely, I think social media scrolling is another one that it’s culturally acceptable. Nobody cares if you’re spending two or three hours wasting away on your phone. It’s not hurting anybody, right? So I think that ⁓ definitely there are things that we do that it can be difficult to recognize how it is actually harmful.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:01)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (30:17)
And ⁓ that is also something else that we need to become aware of. So I think that there’s a lot of things you can do, learning to become aware of the triggers, learning to become aware of the process and the behavior that’s causing you or the behavior you’re using to escape and avoid and numb and withdraw. But then also like, ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (30:17)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (30:40)
Everyone’s journey is different, right? So you’ve got to work it out with the Lord. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. That’s what the Bible tells us. So, okay, Lord, I’m thinking that maybe this behavior is not good for me. Can you help me figure it out? Can you help me understand, is this truly beneficial or is this harming me in some way? And just taking it all to the Lord, learning to talk it out with him, learning to ⁓ lean on him and listen to him so that you can better understand yourself and better understand how he can help you.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:47)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (31:09)
to become the better version of yourself. Because ultimately that’s what he wants. He wants you to have life to the full, that abundant life. He wants you to live in freedom. And those negative bad habits are not living in freedom. They’re actually making our life worse instead of better.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:16)
Yeah.

Yeah, I think definitely just going to him in prayer and asking like, Lord, is there something in my life that I’m using as a crutch to navigate something that you’re wanting me to heal from? ⁓ Because really in the end, those unhealthy coping mechanisms and the shame and things that come with them are keeping us stuck in this place of brokenness that we’ll be so much better off when we become victorious over these things. And sometimes it’s fun to look back.

or I think it’s fun to look back and see how far you’ve come. You’re like, wow, I’ve overcome this. Like, I never imagined that I would or even realized it was a problem five years ago. now looking back, I don’t even recognize who I was once upon a time. ⁓ And so it does take time, but God is gracious and good with us. ⁓ You know, and he wants us to overcome these things he gave us tools to overcome them and we don’t have to do it alone.

Jen Cudmore (31:57)
Yeah.

Yeah, I think that’s one thing he’s taught me is celebrate the wins. Even the little baby steps are so important because you got to start somewhere, right? You have to start somewhere. So it’s so important to be able to look back and ⁓ have gratitude around. my gosh, look at the progress that I’m making. You know, last week this would have derailed me and this week, you know, it took me an hour less or whatever, know, however that looks for you in the moment or, know, instead of reaching for the ice cream, I

Rosalynn Lasley (32:28)
Right. Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (32:50)
you know, went and did something else. So those little things will add up. You got to give yourself grace and give yourself time like we were saying, but tracking your progress. ⁓ and I mean, I don’t mean like being super diligent or religious about it, but just keeping in mind, I am making progress and making sure that you’re, owning that progress and be, be proud of yourself. It’s a big deal when you

Rosalynn Lasley (33:03)
Yeah.

Yeah. And yeah, the progress

starts with just identifying what am I doing that’s not ⁓ compatible with living the best version of myself? Like, what are the things that are upsetting to me that I want to be able to deal with differently? And then working through it, like that progress starts small, but in the end, the results are huge. So be willing to identify like.

you know what, this is something that I’m not doing the way that I want to, or this is something that I could work on, and acknowledging that that in itself is progress.

Jen Cudmore (33:48)
Yeah, for sure. then refusing to approach it from a place of shame, like we were talking about, but approach it from a place of, okay, what does the Lord want for me? And what do I want for myself? How can I make my life better? Is this thing making my life better? Those kinds of things. Any other comments you wanna make on this topic before we wrap it up?

Rosalynn Lasley (34:01)
Right.

Necessarily think so. just it’s one of those things like when I’m speaking of this It’s not from a place of having it all figured out like as we were preparing for this I’m like these are all things that I actively do Every single day probably and things that I want to work on and I’m not sure how and I do struggle with the shame and am I You know not pouring into my family enough because I’m struggling to cope through the things that are upsetting to me ⁓

Jen Cudmore (34:17)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:37)
And so, like when we’re talking about this and brainstorming things to try and do differently, it’s not just in order to help encourage people that may be listening, but it’s a reminder to ourselves that we are a work in progress, but that’s okay. ⁓ I have made progress along the way and maybe I’m not quite where I wanna be, but I can see that I’ve come so far already in that it’s okay that I’m still trying to figure out how to do life better.

Jen Cudmore (35:01)
Yep.

And it’s okay that it takes a while. I mean, even just yesterday, I ate this big, huge bowl of pasta for lunch. It’s been a little bit of a stressful week at work. And I acknowledged that. And I told myself when I put it in the microwave, I was like, this is too much food and you need to be careful. This is going to give you a stomach ache. But in the moment I was like, well, I felt like I needed it, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (35:04)
and

Jen Cudmore (35:23)
This was just yesterday. I was like, no, this is going to make me feel good. I’ve just had a rough day and I need to eat some really yummy cheesy pasta. Right. And of course, you know, a couple of hours later I got a stomachache. you know, I would have, I would have wished that I would have made a better choice in the moment, but it’s not the end of the world. Like I don’t hate myself for that. I didn’t get mad at myself or berate myself. So it’s, it’s okay. If you’re like, like you said, a work in progress, like if it takes you time and you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to go backward and you’re going to

Rosalynn Lasley (35:23)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (35:53)
be tempted to fall into those old habits that it’s not about perfection, right? It’s not about getting to a place where you never ever do that negative coping thing.

Rosalynn Lasley (36:02)
Right, exactly.

Jen Cudmore (36:04)
All right, well, as you go about this week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought. What is one unhealthy coping habit that you’ve been using to survive? Let’s get some awareness around that. And what is a healthier rhythm that you can replace it with this week? Even specifically this week, think of something you can tangibly do and make sure it’s not coming from a place of shame, not from a place of guilt and condemnation. It’s coming from a place of… ⁓

as a loving gift to yourself. How can I partner with God for transformation and develop healthy coping habits?