E43 Not Enough, Too Much, and Everything In Between: Stand Up To Shame By Reframing The Narrative

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
The way to deal with the bully is to stand up to it, refuse to cower, refuse to let it have power over you. And shame is a big bully. You are capable of overcoming. It just takes a little bit of practice to switch that narrative in your head, to shift the lies and labels and limitations to the truth of who God says you really are. So today Rosalind and I are back. We’re going to give you some practical tips on how to reframe some of those common narratives that cause shame, guilt and condemnation. So come join us.

Welcome back to into the depths podcast where we go below the surface we dive into who we are and we break free of who we’ve been

So last week on the last episode, we talked about shame and how to overcome it. And so we thought we would come back today. Rosalind’s here with me again. And so we are going to address some of the common areas where we think that women really struggle with shame. We’ve got five areas that we wanted to cover and we want to help you come up with a different narrative. And we want to help you reframe those lies, labels, limitations that you’ve struggled with.

Rosalynn Lasley (00:44)
everybody.

Jen Cudmore (01:03)
and come up with the truth. What does God say? And let’s really pull back and look at the full perspective of the situation so that we can shift the way we think about it and stop getting sucked into those cycles and those shame storm that we talked a little bit about last week. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:18)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (01:19)
Last week we talked about the idea that we don’t actually have to stay stuck. We have the power to overcome. We can stand up to shame. It’s always going to come to visit. It’s always going to keep coming back, but we don’t have to let it stick around. We get to stand up to it and refuse to be tormented. So, and the main way we do that is leaning into who God says we are and ⁓ learning to ⁓ stick to the truth so we can stop the loop in our heads. So,

Let’s go over a few of the common lies that cause shame and cover different ways to reframe them.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:52)
just know that the areas that you struggle with shame might fall outside of those five. So as we’re going through this episode, know, invite God to reveal the areas that you’re struggling with shame in your own life. ⁓ You know, as we went through the episode last week, you know, I did stop in preparation for it and say, God, where am I struggling with shame? Cause I know, you know, some of the older, you know, more common ones throughout the years, but where am I still battling shame right now? Where am I still hanging on to shame right now? And

God will reveal that to you. So as we go through this episode, you know, just ask God to open your heart and show you the areas where you’re still struggling and carrying shame and ask him to help you heal from that.

Jen Cudmore (02:33)
Definitely want to invite Holy Spirit into this conversation. So these are the five that we came up with. so we’ll just get started. The first one that I think is pretty huge is the whole not good enough loop, right? Not good enough. could be, I mean, all sorts of ways. Not spiritual enough, not consistent enough, like not disciplined enough, not strong enough, not doing enough for my family. I mean, the list goes on, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (02:57)
Right, not attractive enough, not young enough, not thin enough, not tan enough. I mean, we could go on and on and on, but just not being enough, I feel like is a huge for it. And not just men, or I’m sorry, not just women, but men too. I think we are constantly comparing ourselves against each other in an assumed way that the standard is set for all of us. And that’s just such a huge waste of time. Cause God,

Jen Cudmore (03:06)
man.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:26)
created us to be who we are and he doesn’t want us to be like everybody else.

Jen Cudmore (03:30)
Exactly, we’re supposed to be unique. And I think like one of the questions that I kind of that kind of came up as I was thinking about this is who said that you’re not good enough? Like, where did that even come from? Like, who told you that you’re not you’re not spiritual enough, consistent enough, disciplined enough, attractive enough, thin enough? Like, who said that?

I don’t know, there’s just so many different influences that lead us to that, but it’s not like we plan to be like, have to fit this standard, so let me work really hard at it. I think it just slowly sort of seeps into us or something. I don’t know if I’m saying that very well.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:05)
Or

if it was like a one-time criticism from somewhere, why have we chosen to hang on to it and carry it around? know, maybe it was a teacher or a pastor or a friend or a spouse or a sibling or a parent. Maybe just somebody in your life had said, in this way, you’re not enough. And instead of, you know, brushing it off, you know, and maybe they’ve said it more than once, but instead of

Jen Cudmore (04:10)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:33)
know, reinforcing who God says we are, we’ve decided to cling to that idea that we’re not enough and it’s harming us so much because God made us to be so much more than that.

Jen Cudmore (04:45)
Exactly. It makes me think of what you and I talked about on an episode a little while back about labels and breaking free of labels and not putting, not accepting what people say about you and then not creating your own labels about yourself. And that was a discussion that we had, negative labels in episode 38. And so yeah, definitely you can go back and check that out. We dive into that a whole lot more, but

Rosalynn Lasley (05:00)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (05:12)
Yeah, the idea that we’re not good enough, it’s all over the place. constantly bombarding us, for sure.

Rosalynn Lasley (05:18)
I think one of the areas where I’ve recently felt not good enough, ⁓ you somebody had asked us, you you sold your house a couple of years ago when you moved, do you still have the money left? And I had to say no. And, you know, I know that they were asking from a place of concern, but I felt ashamed that, you know, we’d spent the money that we had intended to use to buy a house. And there was plenty of reasons why that happened, you know.

You know, we had tried to buy a house multiple times and the door kept being shut, but I felt not good enough because, you know, once upon a time we owned a home and now we don’t. And for some reason that is embarrassing to me and it shouldn’t be like we have a wonderful safe place to be. It’s more than we possibly need. So why does it feel like it’s not enough? It’s a blessing and it’s something that we prayed for. But when we sit in this place where we feel like all of a sudden it’s not enough and I say we, it’s just me.

But when I sit in this place and feel like it’s not enough, ⁓ it takes the blessing away. It makes it feel like it’s no longer a blessing, but it’s a burden when it’s something I very explicitly remember praying for. And so I think that that feeling of not enough takes so much joy away from our lives because instead of being content or realizing that we are living in the midst of so many answered prayers,

Jen Cudmore (06:21)
Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:37)
suddenly it feels like ⁓ our prayers are never being answered because we’re off constantly striving for something different.

Jen Cudmore (06:45)
Yeah, and I think for a recent struggle for me it was around the idea So I just did a six week training course and I was constantly feeling behind like I’ve got to get my homework done I’ve got to finish up with these lessons and I remember talking to somebody about it I ⁓ don’t recall the exact conversation but the one thing that stood out is she said to me well Well, when are the deadlines and I was like, well there are none and she goes like then what’s the big deal? like if there’s no deadline like

Why are you so frantic about getting your stuff done? And I was like, I don’t know. And it was because I would see other people who were further along and I would compare myself and I felt like I wasn’t being good enough. I wasn’t being a good enough student. I wasn’t doing enough homework, right? That whole idea. But then a cousin thought to this that has always been a struggle for me is the idea that I should be further along by now.

my gosh, that is constantly, constantly attacking me. The idea that I should be further along. it’s like, well, who says? Who made up that rule? And I had to pause. And I’ve had to do this multiple times. Like, wait a second, Jen. There’s no rush to get this done. There’s no deadline. There’s no time limit. It’s not a matter ⁓ of being behind or not being good enough. It’s a matter of.

Rosalynn Lasley (07:38)
Mm.

Yes.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (08:06)
you you set your own pace and so don’t put the pressure on yourself. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:10)
I

think that’s probably super common for a lot of people with, know, I can think back to potty training. know, people were constantly like, are they potty trained yet? Are they potty trained yet? Are they potty trained yet? And like, I can’t think of a single person that knows when they were specifically potty trained by, I don’t know what time I was potty trained by, eventually I was. And sure, some of my kids took longer than others. That’s just how it is.

Jen Cudmore (08:30)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:37)
⁓ but I felt like I was behind and I was failing as a mom because my kids were taking too long to be potty trained to somebody else’s expectations or ⁓ you know some kids struggle to get through school and so they get held back because you know that’s what’s in their best interest but then they’re a little bit older before they graduate or

Jen Cudmore (08:44)
room.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:55)
ones that take a little bit longer to learn how to tie their shoes or ride a bike or ⁓ get married or may or may not have children or buy their first home or you know there’s so many different things where we’re constantly trying to rush and have these achievements so that way we can say look what we’ve done but every single one of us does different things at our own pace we always have you know some kids crawl soon some kids don’t some kids walk early some kids don’t

Some kids don’t talk until much later. ⁓ So why is it that we constantly feel like I’m behind, I’m behind, I’m behind when the standards are kind of irrelevant? You know, it can be like a general expectation, but if all it’s doing is taking the joy out of the season of life that you’re in, because instead of, you know, embracing what you’re doing and finding the joy in it, you’re feeling like you’re behind.

then you’re never going to feel satisfied in life because you’re constantly trying to rush through to the next thing based on some set standards that you’ve either set for yourself or somebody else has. And most of them are kind of bogus.

Jen Cudmore (09:59)
Mm-hmm. when it comes to the idea of not being good enough, whatever that looks like and the multiple ways that tries to show up for you. So ways to reframe that would be to sit back and look at the motivation behind it. What is…

making me look at it this way. Why do I feel this pressure? Why do I feel this way? What’s the root there? Is it comparison? Is it, you know, wanting other people’s approval, whatever. And then taking that, taking a step back and saying, okay, well, is that really how I want to live? Is that how I want to be ⁓ motivated? Does that really actually affect my life, as you were saying? So any other thoughts around reframing this area of shame?

Rosalynn Lasley (10:43)
I think just deciding what you’re gonna do with it. Like, is this a beneficial thought for me? ⁓ And if it isn’t, if it’s only causing me pain, then why am I choosing to continue to carry it? And sometimes I have a hard time like being kind to myself, be, sorry, my dog keeps barking, reframing it. And ⁓ like, would I talk to somebody I love this way? The answer would be no. I wouldn’t talk to my kids this way. I wouldn’t talk to my employees this way. I wouldn’t talk to my spouse this way.

Jen Cudmore (10:48)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:12)
So why am I talking to myself this way?

Jen Cudmore (11:15)
That’s, yeah, exactly. And I would say one other thought I had is maybe you’re not good enough in that area. Like, good enough is relative, like you were saying, but instead of condemnation,

Why can’t we make it a motivator to make that part of our life better, right? Instead of the feeling guilty and ⁓ berating ourselves or sitting in that.

Rosalynn Lasley (11:39)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (11:47)
that feeling of shame and not knowing how to overcome it. What if it was just a simple matter of maturity, of growth? Nobody’s perfect, and it takes us a few years to mature in all the areas of life. So instead of, why can’t we say, OK, well, maybe I’m not good enough here right now, but that’s OK. I’m going to get there. I’m going to keep going. It doesn’t have to be shameful. It’s just where you’re at in the moment. It’s not a big deal. You’re going to move forward, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (11:58)
that.

random.

When I remember years ago, one of my kids was learning how to play the clarinet and band. And she said, mom, so-and-so told everyone in class except for me that they did a good job. And she just did that to hurt my feelings. And I was like, well, maybe you’re terrible. And she looked at me and I was like, no, just let me finish. Like, maybe you’re terrible. Maybe you are the worst person that’s ever played clarinet on the face of the planet. And I was like, but did you have fun? Did you enjoy it?

Jen Cudmore (12:26)
⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (12:44)
then what does it matter what she thinks? If you’re having fun while you’re doing it, if you’re enjoying making music, even if you are terrible, who cares? You’re enjoying what you’re doing. And if you really do wanna be better at it, then keep practicing. But in the meantime, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. Don’t let it hurt your feelings. If you’re terrible at it, but you’re having a good time, that’s what matters.

Jen Cudmore (13:06)
Wow, that is powerful. I love that story. That’s so good.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:09)
At first I was like, this is probably terrible advice, but no, it

made a night and day difference for her. Cause really it didn’t matter. She was enjoying it. So whether she was good or not was irrelevant.

Jen Cudmore (13:19)
Yeah, no, I think that’s wonderful advice. I wish I would have thought of stuff like that. Good thing to tell myself. Like, so what if you’re terrible? Who cares? Did I enjoy it? That’s a great question.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:28)
Yeah, maybe you were the worst.

Maybe you’re exactly the worst. But if you’re having a good time, that’s all that matters.

Jen Cudmore (13:34)
Yeah, I mean, and I go back to that thing I said in the last episode of like, well, what does God say about it? Does he think you’re not disciplined enough? Does he think you’re not consistent enough? Does he think you’re not attractive enough? Like really, we need to keep going back to him. Like, am I not good enough? Truly, We are good enough. We are worthy because he said we are.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:48)
Yeah.

You’re making a joyful noise even

even if your classmate didn’t like it, you’re making a joyful noise and that’s all that matters.

Jen Cudmore (13:58)
Yeah, so good. Thank you. I think really there’s also, if we move into the next one, the tendency to feel not good enough or the tendency to feel like we’re too much, right? Too sensitive, too broken, too needy, like too whatever.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:10)
Yeah.

too loud, too, I don’t know, there’s some that are kind of eccentric and bold and too straightforward and too blunt. ⁓ Sometimes we, I mean, you can be kind and be direct, ⁓ but sometimes we shy away from those bold and difficult conversations because they’re heavy. But at the same time, we can appreciate those people that really just say things the way that they are and call things like they are and are. ⁓

bold and really, you you think of people that are kind of loud and outspoken and things like that, but not in a negative way. Like I wish I could be bold like you. I think of like Charlie Kirk. I wish I had the boldness to have really hard conversations with people and not shy away from it, regardless of the things that they would say to me or do to me. ⁓ You know, some people would categorize that as too much. And then there’s those of us that shy away from that. They’re like, man, I wish I could be as bold as you.

Jen Cudmore (15:13)
The one area where this really gets me is when I’m talking about ⁓ I get really passionate about the things that God tells me or like the things that God challenges me on and sometimes women don’t like it when I get a little raw and real about my experiences in the spirit or the way that God talks to me because it’s different from ⁓

And I’ll just say because I have mostly been in conservative circles, sometimes when I’m explaining something, it can feel like a lot. I can’t tell you how many times I have had women just look at me wide-eyed and they’re just like, the conversation stops because they’re like, they don’t know what to do with me. And that was really hard for me at first. I thought, wow, I don’t want them to not like me because I’m talking too much or I’m sharing too much or whatever. But then I’ve come to realize that ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (16:03)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (16:06)
As long as you’re temperate and read your audience and you know kind of the balance there, I still need to be myself. God wants me to be myself. And so that’s who I am. I’m going to share those things. I’m going to talk about those things. if it seems a little wild or I don’t know, I honestly don’t know what they’re thinking, right? I’m assuming what they’re thinking, but I can definitely tell there’s been times where my spirituality is too much for people.

Rosalynn Lasley (16:24)
Yeah.

Yeah,

well, and I’ve struggled with ⁓ being sensitive because I am tender hearted. ⁓ I’m one of those people that will cry with a stranger and like, I don’t know why they’re crying, but I am kind of empathetic and it hurts my heart that they’re hurting, ⁓ you know, or things bother me that they don’t normally bother other people. ⁓ But then on the flip side of that, I’ve had some really close friends say that one of the things that they appreciate about me is that what you see is what you get.

Jen Cudmore (16:36)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:00)
like because I’m willing to be vulnerable and I’m willing to show emotion and I’m willing to be sensitive or I’m willing to let you see my messy house even if you don’t like it and ⁓ just be authentically who I am, which I don’t really know how to be any other way and not everyone appreciates that. ⁓ But they don’t ever have to guess or wonder like about me. They don’t have to wonder if I’m the friend that you can tell the truth to or be vulnerable with because I’m going first.

And so I’ve learned to step in and embrace that. Like you can cry when you’re with me, cause I’ll cry with you. You can be upset and hurt by things that are, you know, most of the people would say, you know, I don’t know why that bothers you. Like it’s okay that you have big feelings because there are those of us that do as well. And we’re willing to show up and be vulnerable and go first if that’s what it takes for you to be able to be comfortable doing the same.

Jen Cudmore (17:55)
Yeah, it’s so important that we create a safe space for people to be real.

And sometimes people are going to be too much. And sometimes we’re not going to like it. And we’re going to be like, that’s unattractive or whatever. But the thing is, if they can’t be real with us, if we can’t be loving and accept them where they are in this moment, that’s what the Lord calls us to. That’s what it means to love people is instead of judging and criticizing them for where they may be out of balance, why can’t we create that space? And I think it’s great to sort of, how do you say it?

To be real is almost to demand that they give you that safe space to be real or something. don’t know. Did I say that okay? Does that make sense?

Rosalynn Lasley (18:35)
Yeah. Yeah,

it does. ⁓ It’s difficult to be unapologetic unapologetically yourself. And sure, there’s a way to be like unapologetically yourself without being like rude and pushy and that sort of thing. But ⁓ when we are emboldened to be the way that God has created us with the emotion, the personality, the sphere of influence that he’s given us.

He will do infinitely more with us because we are willing to trust Him to take us wherever He wants to in the way that He wants to. And we can reach people that other people may not be able to because they will respond to the personality and the giftings that God has entrusted us with.

Jen Cudmore (19:23)
And I think another thing to keep in mind as we’re reframing this idea of being too much is that guess what? Everyone’s human and everyone gets out of balance from time to time It’s just what it is. Like nobody’s gonna be their best self all the time and hopefully over You know through the years you’ll grow and mature and you’ll be less out of balance, right? That would be the goal but

Rosalynn Lasley (19:33)
Yeah, that’s true.

Jen Cudmore (19:45)
You gotta give yourself some grace. There’s gonna be times where you’re gonna be too much and it doesn’t have to be a thing. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. God will help you learn how to temper that. ⁓ again, go back to him. Does he feel like this was too much in the moment? Okay, let him show you how to maybe tone it down next time or whatever the situation calls for.

Rosalynn Lasley (19:55)
Rant.

Yeah.

Yeah, and we may not be for everybody and that’s okay because everybody’s not for us either.

Jen Cudmore (20:12)
if you don’t have a tribe, you just need to ask the Lord to bring you your people because when you have the right friends, it’s such a powerful, ⁓ what’s the right word? It’s just such a beautiful, powerful relationship when you’re with your tribe, your people. Absolutely. ⁓ cause we’re all different and I mean, we all need to get along and love each other and accept each other. But at the same time, you’re close.

⁓ relationships are going to be the ones who accept you for all of yourself, even when you’re too much. All right, so number three, that kind of leads us into emotional struggles. I think for a lot of women, our emotions just can be so big that we can feel really embarrassed or guilty or condemning ourselves because we’re like, wow, I overreacted, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (21:02)
and there’s stereotypes and stigmas around women’s emotions as it is. but even the same could be true for men. You know, when men are sensitive and emotional and where their heart on their sleeve, they’re seen as weak. ⁓ And that’s not the case. God made us emotional beings. there’s sometimes where we wish we could control our emotions different. We wish we weren’t.

⁓ didn’t cry as easily or didn’t get angry or weren’t fearful or you know, I can think of people in my life and myself included where you’re anxious because you’re trying to think through all of the scenarios because you’ve gotten so used to planning for absolutely everything for absolutely everyone that you know, you’re anxious often and so it’s trying to find that balance of are these emotions within the realm of

a reasonable amount of emotion to have for the situation. And if they’re not, why is that? Is there a hormonal imbalance? Is that a reaction based on a past experience that you’re triggered, even though that’s kind of like a catchphrase, but you’re triggered by this because it sets off something deep inside of you that’s been wounded and unhealed. ⁓ Is it because you’re feeling inadequate and so you reacted emotionally because you’re dealing with some insecurities that haven’t been healed yet?

⁓ But emotion’s not a bad thing. I think sometimes it’s just a matter of having a balance.

Jen Cudmore (22:27)
100 % and yeah, and we talked about this way when you and I had a discussion about Emotions are not bad and that was back in episode 31. And so if you want to Learn more about that. Definitely you can go check that out. So we’re not gonna Rehash a lot of that stuff here, but I feel like this struggle with big emotions is similar to the last one of being too much of you know, like you said get to the root why am I sort of

feeling big about this right now, but then you just simply deal with that. You know, God made emotions for a reason. They tell us something like we’re supposed to feel them. So they’re indicators that we need to dig deeper. And so if you to escape the shame storm, instead of feeling bad that you overreacted you just take a moment and, dig into that and figure out the motive behind it. And then you, when you deal with that heart issue, what caused that emotion to get so big?

That’s all you gotta do. And then you can…

Rosalynn Lasley (23:26)
And you can determine if that situation needs to be remedied. Like, was it an unrealistic emotion? ⁓ Is it an issue where you need to maybe apologize or explain why you reacted in such a way? ⁓ If it is, you can take the opportunity to try and make it right. And if it’s not, then give yourself grace that your emotions weren’t unreasonable, ⁓ even if they were unfamiliar or maybe even unwelcome by those that were affected by it.

Jen Cudmore (23:54)
So if that’s something that you struggle with is ⁓ big emotions or overreacting, that would be something that would be really good for you to delve into what’s behind it. And so when you can deal with the root, you won’t be sucked into that as often. So that would be the better way to handle that one. So the fourth one that I feel is common is the area of relationship failures, like feeling like I was a bad wife, I was a bad mom, a bad employee.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:09)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (24:22)
I could have been a better boss, those kinds of things.

Rosalynn Lasley (24:25)
Yeah. ⁓ I honestly was just thinking about this recently because, ⁓ especially since my accident, my husband has had to take on a lot of what are typically kind of more of the feminine roles of the house. You know, he does a lot. I mean, he’s always been very hands on with, ⁓ helping with housework and things like that, but he’s had to do a lot more because like, can’t lift certain things or I’m in a lot of pain. So he does a lot more of the cooking and he’s never, ever, ever made me feel bad for it.

But in the back of my mind, I’m like, what if he gets tired of this? What if he wants a wife that will wait on him hand and foot and is a better housekeeper and is more involved with engaging with the kids and this or that? And so then I start to feel like, am I failing him or am I failing my kids? Because having my accident changed everything about the way that I parent and how involved I can be. And I struggle with my mental health at times. And so there are times where I go through seasons of depression.

⁓ that I just, chemically I’m unable to help it. And so I am a little bit more withdrawn or just less likely to be as engaged as I would like to be when I’m in a better season. But I feel like, I failing my family because I am not able to get it together the way that I want to or the way that I see other moms, know, other moms are doing all these things with their kids and I’m not, or all these other wives are making everything from scratch and they’re…

You just, you know, you see all these things ⁓ and hear about other things that other people are doing. And so then you start to feel like I’m feeling people. I’m not even like, I’m not involved in calling my mom and my siblings as often. So am I a bad sister or a bad daughter or, you know, it’s just hard. You know, I don’t have a close knit group of friends here. So is it because, you know, I’ve not been friendly enough or, ⁓

have my friends in Alaska felt like I’ve just kind of left them because I haven’t done a good job of engaging, you know? And so that’s something that I very regularly currently struggle with, feeling like I’m not doing as good of a job as I’d like to in my relationships, but sometimes I just don’t have the capacity.

Jen Cudmore (26:38)
Great examples, great relatable examples. think another huge one is that women, particular to this area is like, ⁓ I’m not a good Christian. Good Christians read their Bible every day and they pray every day and they go to church every Sunday, right? And so I’m not a good Christian because I haven’t done all these things. And that was huge for me.

I don’t struggle quite as much as I used to. I still have that tendency to be like, Oh, didn’t read your Bible every day this week. So you’re not a good Christian, right? I’ve learned to shut that down.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:11)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (27:14)
for me, ⁓ being an intercessor, one thing that has been so with the kids moving out of the house, I feel like I don’t pray for them as much. Isn’t that funny? I feel like since they’re not with me every day, I should pray for them more. Or I don’t know why I think that that just has been in my mind. And so sometimes I feel like a bad mom because I don’t pray for them with the consistency ⁓ and frequency that I did when they were living in my home.

And so sometimes I have to catch myself and be like, no, like when I feel a burden, I pray like I’m still covering them on a regular basis. It’s just not every day or like for an hour a week or what, you whatever it was that I was doing in different seasons. And so that has definitely, tapped on my shoulder several times over the last couple of years is you’re not praying. You’re not being a good mom. You’re not doing enough praying and, and not just for my kids, but for other people too. It’d be like,

Rosalynn Lasley (28:02)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (28:11)
I’ve got a couple weeks without praying for you know I have a list of people that I feel like God has assigned to me to cover and You know so you can really condemn yourself if you’re not doing it enough, right? You’re not being a good friend You’re not being a good prayer warrior that kind of links back to the idea of the first issue we were talking about so

Rosalynn Lasley (28:26)
Thank

I think

it’s a matter of the heart too because if you’re just doing it to check a box, then you might as well not be doing it all because you’re not into it. It’s like reading your Bible. ⁓ If you’re only reading it because you’re like, I have to check the box. I have to get the little ribbon in the Bible app to, I’ve read so many days in a row, then is your motive the right one?

Jen Cudmore (28:36)
Yep. Yep.

Exactly. I was listening to, ⁓ in one of my training classes the other day, this woman was sharing how she had some regrets over some things that she did wrong with her children, and now that they’re out of the house, ⁓ she doesn’t have a very good relationship with them. And so, you know, back to the whole idea of not being a good mom. And ⁓ one of the things that the leader of the group touched on, and she didn’t use these exact words, but God can redeem anything. He really can.

So it doesn’t matter how many mistakes that you made with your family or with your kids God can fix it. If you deal with whatever’s going on, maybe you need to repent, maybe you need to apologize, get that taken care of, and then just trust the Lord that when it’s time for restoration or time for healing, that will happen. mean, it could be a broken relationship in your family. It could be like a

Rosalynn Lasley (29:40)
Yes.

Jen Cudmore (29:45)
betrayal with a friendship. There’s just so many different ways where we can feel like we failed, ⁓ you know, in a relationship. But what matters is not what happened before, but how are we going to move forward and try to remedy it? And are we, are we okay with the Lord, right? Have we dealt with what he wants us to deal with? And if we haven’t, let’s, let’s get real with him and look into that.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:04)
you

Yes, definitely.

Jen Cudmore (30:10)
So is the condemnation coming from a place of God’s trying to poke your heart and prick you and convict you into making some changes like places where you could do better? Or is it that condemnation from the enemy that’s trying to keep you down, right? So learning to tell the difference and then how do you respond?

Rosalynn Lasley (30:24)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (30:27)
Okay, so the last one that we came up with is regret about the past. So when we make mistakes or wish that we could have done something better, I mean, this is always going to happen because nobody is perfect, right? You’re always going to look back and be like, I wish I hadn’t said that or my goodness, why didn’t I handle it this way? And sometimes we can get sucked into that, that what if or ⁓ what I heard somebody call it the playground in your mind.

Rosalynn Lasley (30:32)
and

Right.

Jen Cudmore (30:56)
where you’re just rehearsing over and over what you could have done better, what you would do better next time if it happened again, right? And that’s just not a loop the Lord wants us going into. It’s a waste of our time and energy. ⁓ go ahead.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:02)
Yeah.

Well, or people. Yeah, I

would just say people that have. You know, lived a season where they were separated from God and really living in some deep trenches of sin. ⁓ They may have gotten some healing. Maybe they are in recovery, ⁓ but there’s times where that shame of maybe the relationships they’ve ruined or ⁓ the ways that they’ve hurt themselves or others just really weighs heavily on them. And it’s something that they have a hard time. Like maybe they’ve.

Jen Cudmore (31:16)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:35)
receive forgiveness or healing, but they struggle to forgive themselves. Those mistakes of the past can be really hard to let go of, ⁓ whether it’s self-inflicted or given to you by others. Sometimes those mistakes of the past are one of the hardest things to shake because the consequences can be long-reaching.

Jen Cudmore (32:00)
Definitely and sometimes when things are done to us we can feel like it was our fault well that person wouldn’t have mistreated me and hurt me if I had done a B and C and so we take that blame on us when really you know it was that person’s sin right and so we get a little confused or mixed up in our mind of taking that on ourselves when we really don’t need to ⁓ and saying I deserved this bad thing that happened to us and

So those are the kinds of things that we need to take before the Lord and get some heart healing for. We may need to, I mean, a lot of that stuff is kind of big, so we need to get help from another person, maybe a pastor or a professional or something, to help us work through it, and that can take a little time. But we have to begin to deal with those things, because if we don’t, we’re gonna keep getting sucked into that spirals of shame.

Rosalynn Lasley (32:49)
Yeah. And God doesn’t forgive us just to take it back. Like if He’s forgiven us, He’s washed our slate clean and so He wants us to forgive ourselves too. And if you’re living in a season where you’ve repented and you’ve really truly turned away from whatever it is that you are struggling with or, you know, very much living in the midst of, ⁓ shame has no place in your life. Like you are a new creation and so ⁓ you live free, live like somebody that’s been forgiven. But man, is it hard.

Jen Cudmore (32:52)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean realizing shame never comes from God, never. He will convict us when he wants to move us in a different direction and have us work through something, but condemnation, guilt, berating, shame, all of that, that is self-inflicted or it comes from the enemy or comes from the world. That is never from God. So when you start feeling that,

You’ve got to learn to separate, wait a minute, what is God saying about this situation? And it takes practice, like we’ve said. But it kind of seems like, and this is my perspective of it based on my own journey, is dealing with shame really comes down to two things, your thought process and what’s going on in your heart. You’ve got to learn to deal with those two things in order to stop getting sucked into those shame cycles. Would you agree? that what it’s like for you?

Rosalynn Lasley (34:09)
Yes, absolutely. ⁓ yeah, I would just say absolutely.

Jen Cudmore (34:15)
Any other thoughts on the topic of shame or common areas before we wrap up this episode?

Rosalynn Lasley (34:22)
as much as it’s something we’ll probably always struggle with here and there, ⁓ being able to bring it all into the light, ⁓ it loses its power over us. When we share like, I’m really struggling with shame over this or ⁓ just identifying, like even in this podcast, we know we are talking about the areas where we’ve been struggling with currently with the shame in our lives. ⁓

We have freedom in that and the enemy wants nothing more than us to be still in bondage to shame and regret. But we don’t have to live in that place. when you’re feeling ashamed of something, one of the hardest things to do is to share it with somebody else. But that’s where you start to get healing and freedom because it doesn’t thrive anymore. And it’s not going to fester like an old wound beneath the surface by bringing it to the light. And so if you are struggling with shame, like share it with somebody because

you know, there’s nothing more than having somebody else say, I’ve dealt with that too, or this is how I found help, or that’s not that big of a deal, it’s common, or whatever it may be. And then you’ll just find freedom in not having to carry it around anymore.

Jen Cudmore (35:29)
It’s so true. Shame grows in the dark.

but it dies in the light. And I wish I could remember who said that, but it’s so true. Like the more we keep it hidden and the more we refuse to talk about it, the more it has power and control over us. But when we begin to address it, talk it out with God, talk it out with other people and share, like you said, because other people, guarantee are sharing or struggling with this very exact situation that you are. And so you’re not alone. You might think you are, but you’re not. And you’ll never know if you don’t talk.

Rosalynn Lasley (35:33)
this.

Jen Cudmore (36:03)
about it, right? So find your safe space and talk about it for sure. ⁓ Okay, so as you go about this week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought. Which one of these common areas of shame have you been struggling with the most?

How can you begin to practice reframing the negative narrative, that repetition loop that’s going on in your brain, debunk those lies, start looking at what’s going on in your heart, and begin to shift to a focus of the truth of what God says about you and your situation. Where can you give yourself more grace and begin practicing interrupting that loop so you’re not stuck in those cycles of shame? Bless you, friend. Have a great

week.

Rosalynn Lasley (36:52)
Bye

guys!