E54 Mom Guilt is Lying to You: How to Break Free from Shame and Trust God with Your Kids

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:00)
Have you ever felt like you were a bad mom? Like you it and just ruined it with your kids? I mean, I guess the question really is when, because every mom struggles with guilt and regrets at some point, right? So today, join Roslyn and I. We’re gonna discuss ways to recognize the lies around mom guilt, overcome the shame, and lean into God’s redemptive plan for both you and your children. Here we go.

Welcome back to the podcast. This is Jennifer and we go below the surface in our discussions here. We dive into who we are and break free of who we’ve been. And today Roslyn and I want to talk about mom guilt because this is a huge thing for most moms and it can be a real struggle to not.

Rosalynn Lasley (01:20)
man, yeah.

Jen Cudmore (01:24)
Stay in that trap and and to just keep condemning yourself. So I thought we would just open with like what does it look like? What does mom guilt look like? You know, where are those common places of regret where we as women tend to feel like we’ve done a bad job or we’ve ruined our kids So I’ll let you get us started with this

Rosalynn Lasley (01:42)
Yeah.

I feel like mom guilt kind of ⁓ starts from the very beginning in our journey of motherhood, ⁓ where whether it be how we gave birth or when or where to, you know, our choice of how we fed our children, how we approach their developmental milestones to vaccinate, not to vaccinate. I think there’s just ⁓ that’s one area where the enemy

Jen Cudmore (01:58)
Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (02:09)
is alive and well because it is such an effective area to hinder growth in our lives. ⁓ And there’s so many opportunities to feel guilty about something.

Jen Cudmore (02:21)
For sure, I totally agree. I remember one of the very first areas where I was feeling the mom guilt was around the idea of potty training and feeling like there was just one way to do it. And I think you and I might’ve talked about this before, but I just remember like every, I felt like every circle I went into, there was discussion about this and how to do it right and how to do it wrong. I mean, eventually I learned that every family is different. It doesn’t really matter as long as they eventually learn to go in the toilet.

Rosalynn Lasley (02:29)
Ugh, yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (02:50)
You’re good and how long it takes doesn’t necessarily matter but I used to feel and I don’t feel like my kids were necessarily You know very far behind on it but there was still that pressure to like do it right and do it like everybody else and because I It didn’t look the same as everyone else, you know that I felt bad about it and it’s just so silly It’s just so silly. There’s a lot of comparison there, isn’t there?

Rosalynn Lasley (03:12)
Yeah, well, and I think even, you know, whether or not women have ⁓ pain management for giving birth or whether they have surgical birth or, you know, like from the very beginning, there’s different areas where we feel guilty, like, I couldn’t, I wasn’t as strong as my peers. So I caved and I had an epidural or other pain management or I wasn’t doing something right. And so I labored and pushed longer than somebody else or my body didn’t.

Jen Cudmore (03:20)
Yep.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (03:41)
cooperate so I had to have a surgical birth or for me I struggled also with ⁓ our oldest had colic and so she just screamed and cried you know really for like the first six months of her life and I felt a lot of shame and guilt because I couldn’t figure out why she was so unhappy and why she was crying and people would say like wow your baby really cries a lot like what’s wrong with her I’m like I don’t know if I knew I would fix it

Jen Cudmore (03:52)
Aww.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (04:10)
But

it made me feel like I must be doing something wrong as a mom because I couldn’t figure it out. ⁓ And then that labels them as a difficult baby or maybe my dietary choices were causing her discomfort or the story goes on and on but it was really from the very beginning and then that made me feel like I didn’t enjoy motherhood which also made me feel guilty because my friends that had kids around the same age, their babies were happy-go-lucky and they’re sleeping and…

⁓ They’re thriving and I was struggling and I couldn’t figure it out and I just felt like I’m failing. can’t figure out what it takes to make this baby happy.

Jen Cudmore (04:50)
I really think that the biggest contributor to mom guilt is around comparison because or judgment like other people comparing us what we’re doing to what they think is right. know, those can go hand in hand and that can be difficult to overcome, especially when it’s like in a Christian environment or a churchy environment because you sort of have in this back in the back of your mind that well, if this is the way

Rosalynn Lasley (04:58)
Mm-hmm.

Amen.

Jen Cudmore (05:18)
these churchy people do it, then it must be the right way. And if this is how these other Christian moms are doing it, then in order to be successful, I’ve got to do it like them. so, you know, as kids grow, it can be really, you know, you can get bombarded with that all the time. And I do believe the enemy chirps in our ear a lot around this because he knows it’s a weakness of ours, right? We want our kids to thrive and we want them to do well. So anyhow,

Rosalynn Lasley (05:21)
Right.

Yeah.

I remember

⁓ somebody at church had said something to me for breastfeeding my baby in the sanctuary. And even though I was covered, you know, the comment was, well, people know what you’re doing under there. Like, I’m feeding a baby. It was more disruptive for me to get up and go out than it was to just sit there and quietly feed her. But then I’m feeling guilty. Like, well, I couldn’t, you know, do that right even. You know, how dare my baby be hungry? I couldn’t time it.

Jen Cudmore (05:54)
Mmm.

Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:16)
that maybe we didn’t have to eat while we were at church. And so yeah, there is a lot of condemnation and judgment and people are very critical. And so then that leads to mom guilt because people aren’t afraid to say whatever it is that they’re thinking, regardless of whether it’s helpful or not. And when we’re vulnerable, ⁓ I feel like motherhood is a place of vulnerability for most of us. ⁓ We are really, really prone to taking it to heart.

Jen Cudmore (06:20)
Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (06:45)
and letting it kind of eat away at us.

Jen Cudmore (06:48)
totally agree and you know, kind of being on this side of it, you know, my kids are grown and looking back and thinking like who made those rules? just like it’s there’s there’s just so many great areas we’re all different women. God made us different personalities. Our kids have different personalities. We have different lifestyles. We’re all in different seasons. So it’s not one size fits all and

Rosalynn Lasley (07:10)
Mm-hmm.

No.

Jen Cudmore (07:12)
Where

was there a written rule that you’re not allowed to feed your baby in the sanctuary, right? Like that’s not even a thing. So why would that person come to you and say that? It’s just, it’s just so silly, but.

Rosalynn Lasley (07:17)
Right.

Yeah.

Well, and if you’re uncomfortable, even though I’m completely covered, because you just happen to notice that I have this apron thing over me, like maybe you need to examine your own heart. Like, why aren’t you paying attention to the service rather than what I’m doing? You know, but again, it was like, well, I couldn’t time this right to where my baby didn’t need to eat while I was at church or I couldn’t get up and go out without being a distraction. And then I may hinder somebody from

Jen Cudmore (07:37)
Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (07:48)
hearing the gospel because my baby was fussy and I had to get up. You know, it’s like, it was a lose-lose and like how silly that feeding my baby felt like something I was guilty and ashamed for. Like that it should have never even been a conversation. I should have never even had those thoughts and feelings because somebody else said something so stupid. You know, but I did because, you know, I’m thinking I must have done something wrong. ⁓

Jen Cudmore (08:09)
Okay.

Rosalynn Lasley (08:16)
But I didn’t, I did exactly what I was called to do. Like your children should be your first ministry. so like having them in the house of the Lord when they’re that little, that in itself is a huge feat. ⁓ And then, I don’t know, just to have somebody try and use that to discourage you is really like, wow, the enemy is really using you today to really discourage me.

Jen Cudmore (08:41)
Right?

Yeah, that is a frustration. And unfortunately, we’re always going to deal with people who have opinions, right? Everyone’s got opinions and they think that they need to tell you. It’s annoying. I remember ⁓ one area that I struggled with for a little while was ⁓ around some of the ways that my children like to put together their outfits. I was one of those moms that really wanted to allow a little bit of self

Rosalynn Lasley (08:49)
Mm-hmm.

⁓

Jen Cudmore (09:09)
⁓ expression but at the same time I was like my gosh sometimes we would go out in public and I’m like my goodness maybe I should have put my foot down and said you’re not wearing that and I think that there’s there’s a balance there some people are super heavy on they dictate everything their kids you know wear or how they appear when they leave the house and I personally think that’s too far out of balance but I also believe there’s

Rosalynn Lasley (09:20)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (09:35)
Element of responsibility around you know personal hygiene and that we need to make sure our hair is brushed and our teeth are brush You know those kinds of things. So what’s that balance look like and and you know Some days it was easy for me to be like I don’t care if people think they look silly in their choice of clothes It that’s not on I mean, you know, I don’t have to let that bother me but then sometimes I’d be like I would feel bad like I wasn’t a good parent because I would let them

Rosalynn Lasley (09:43)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (10:00)
wear things that were not in fashion or didn’t match or you know what I mean? So that was just one area for me.

Rosalynn Lasley (10:04)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I could go on and on and on about all the different areas that I felt bad or in hindsight, like maybe at the time I was doing the best that I could, but in hindsight I wish I could have done things differently or better or, ⁓ you know, I’ve apologized to my kids a lot over the years for handling things differently than I wish I would have. You know, maybe having a short temper or ⁓ not playing with them as much or…

Jen Cudmore (10:14)
Bye.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (10:36)
being distracted,

like one of the areas that is really difficult is being distracted with my phone. You know, like I have not carved out as much intentional time with them as I should have and now they’re much older and it’s kind of late for that and like that stings my heart because you don’t get that time back. ⁓ And at the time it’s like, you know, I’m not even realizing I’m focusing as much time as I am on my phone, but.

I really am disengaged and I can’t go back and recreate those years where they just wanted my attention.

Jen Cudmore (11:14)
Absolutely, you can’t I know one area That was a real struggle for me for a while was feeling like I didn’t do a very good job of teaching my children how to have a personal relationship with the Lord, know, even though I lived it with them and you know, they definitely heard me pray and have conversation with God I wasn’t intentional about teaching them. This is what relationship looks like and here’s how you hang out with him and here’s how you pray or whatever and ⁓ You know for the most part I

think I’ve mostly let that go. but another, another one that’s really been difficult for me lately as my children are, you know, now out on their own is the idea of feeling like I didn’t do a good, good job of teaching them how to live a healthy lifestyle. And I didn’t see it until recently, you know, starting the journey of learning about perimenopause and just seeing like, man, I wish I would have did some things differently when I was younger to take better care of myself so that

Rosalynn Lasley (12:00)
Mm.

Jen Cudmore (12:13)
now that I’m at this stage, it’s not quite so difficult to handle it. And I could have set myself up better for success. And then I look at my children, I’m like, oh my goodness, I didn’t teach them this either. I don’t want them to get in their 40s and have some of these health issues. But then also, I didn’t know really that that was, right? I wasn’t taught how to live it.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:25)
Yeah.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (12:38)
healthy lifestyle. And so, you know, I did the best I could when they were growing up. I tried to give them balanced meals and get them out and do certain amount of exercise. So it’s not like I was terrible in that area. But sometimes I look at that and go, man, I really wish that I could have helped them develop some different habits. Right. So just wanted to throw out something kind of real and fresh for me.

Rosalynn Lasley (12:40)
Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, and I think having those honest conversations with them too, now that they’re older saying, you know, looking back, I wish I would have done this with you, or I wish I would have explored this, or I wish I would have known this because it draws it into their mind at a younger age than what we are as we’re exploring these things that we’re just now learning or wish we could have done differently. So that way when, you know, they’re grown or hopefully when they become parents, if they’re allowed, you know, children someday, or they choose to have children someday, ⁓

Jen Cudmore (13:05)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:29)
they’ll make different choices or at least they’ll have the ability to make informed decisions. They may choose something vastly different than what we are, but they will have had those seeds sown and be able to make informed decisions in the way that they raise their children. And they’ll know like my parents weren’t perfect, but they tried. And when they fell short, they, you know, took the right steps to try and reconcile those things. ⁓ because then that teaches them when they get it wrong.

Jen Cudmore (13:44)
Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (13:57)
that they seek forgiveness and healing and try and get things back on the right track.

Jen Cudmore (14:02)
think that’s super helpful to have that discussion and say, you know what? I see this spot where I…

I could have done better and instead of, you know, condemning ourselves, we go to them and have that conversation. You know, here’s what I’m learning. Here’s what I’m realizing where maybe I didn’t serve you as well as I could have when you were growing up. And so let me just share with you what I’m learning and why this is important to me now and have that discussion. ⁓ I think is really beautiful and really important because you’re not going to get everything right. You may be really good in this area over here and not so great over here. Like that’s what normal parenting looks

Rosalynn Lasley (14:16)
Mm-hmm.

No.

Jen Cudmore (14:39)
like you cannot do it all super well. I don’t think you can.

Rosalynn Lasley (14:40)
Yeah.

Right. Well, and if

you have yourself on such a high pedestal that you feel like you’re nailing it and that’s, you know, become your tool for condemning other mothers, then there are still flaws within you, even if you’re not seeing them. And so it is also just that balance of ⁓ having the humility to see where your own faults are, but not hang on to them so tightly that you’ve lived this life of shame.

Jen Cudmore (14:55)
for

Rosalynn Lasley (15:09)
⁓ but also use it to encourage other moms rather than to condemn them. ⁓ Because none of us are going to get it 100 % perfect and we are all given different kids with different personalities. should we have 50 more kids they would all be different and the approach that we would take with them would be different. Who we are at that season in life would be different and so there is no perfect way to parent. ⁓ But we can learn and grow during our shortcomings and

even just observing the things that our peers have done that we feel like they’ve done well, we can explore that a little bit like, show me or tell me how I could do this differently or this is a really fascinating thing that you’ve done. Like how did you come to that decision or wasn’t modeled for you or how did you come back from these mistakes that you may have made? Because I feel like we’re all constantly learning and growing and having a teachable spirit is really important too.

Jen Cudmore (16:05)
Yes, absolutely. 100%. And I’m a firm believer in you don’t just suddenly know how to do things in everything in life. You need to get some help. You need to get a little bit of training no matter what it is. I personally believe that that is super valuable. Get a mentor, buy some books. You’re not just suddenly born knowing how to be a good parent or a good wife or a good boss and all those things.

Rosalynn Lasley (16:24)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (16:34)
I want to touch on the topic

of I do think that sometimes women blame themselves for things that actually are not their fault. What do you think about this? Have you seen moms, you know, take their kids fault and ⁓ own that for themselves and thinking that they were the ones that caused that?

Rosalynn Lasley (16:43)
Mm.

Yeah, for sure. most of us probably are guilty of that at one point or another as well, where we… I think one of my kids had done something. And it was like this eye-opening moment that this child who is perfect in my sight is the sinner. Like, they’re the same sinner that I am. And that was like…

Jen Cudmore (16:58)
Yeah.

Mm.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (17:17)
really humbling and really hard to swallow because at first my first reaction was what have I done wrong as a mom? That I didn’t teach her to do better, that I didn’t teach her to avoid these temptations or whatever it may be. ⁓ But it was like that reality of you couldn’t have done anything different, she has the same signature that we all do and this is her, this is on her.

Jen Cudmore (17:42)
I think that’s super important to touch on is we can only do so much. Our kids, even though they’re children and we’re shaping them, they still get to make their own decisions, right? They’re still to a point. ⁓ I mean, we may tell them, no, you can’t go out tonight. And they have a choice if they’re going to listen to us or rebel and sneak out or So we can only do so much ⁓ to shape their heart and their character because

Rosalynn Lasley (18:07)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (18:08)
as parents, it’s not just about good behavior, it’s about getting to the inside of them. Right. so…

Rosalynn Lasley (18:11)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (18:15)
just remembering like you can’t take responsibility for everything that they do right or wrong. ⁓ Maybe you influenced some of it, but they still have the power to make those choices and decisions for themselves if they’re gonna sin or not.

Rosalynn Lasley (18:20)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And we have, I think there’s probably people in our life where we admire them as parents. We see them when we think, they’ve really got it all figured out or they’ve done everything right. And then their kids make a decision that breaks their heart or from the outside looking in, there is a lot of judgment and you think, what did they do wrong? And maybe you don’t think that, but maybe they do. Maybe they feel that themselves of.

What have I done wrong that my kids have made these choices? But in the end, they do have the same free will that we do as well. And so they could do everything as best as possible and it’s still not go quite right. And we have to remember that in the end, it’s not all up to us.

Jen Cudmore (19:13)
It’s that balance of nature versus nurture. Like they have their own nature, but at the same time, nurture can really make up for certain negative aspects of their nature. Right? So they work together. it’s a give and take on both sides and both are, ⁓ are big influencers. So, so let’s talk about a little bit like

Okay, so maybe we did make a mistake. Maybe we realized that we should have did something differently. I mean, we mentioned a second ago, you know, if it’s years later, you can just go to them and say, sorry, here’s what I learned and I wish I could do better. But what else? What about like in the moment, they’re young, they’re still at home. What are some things that you can do when you realize, ⁓ I have not done a good job in this area?

Rosalynn Lasley (20:01)
I think ⁓ they’re never too young or too old to, you know, for you to seek their forgiveness. ⁓ I don’t think we should frame it in the sense of like, well, mommy’s not perfect, so you’re just gonna have to deal with that kind of thing. you know, I’ve made a mistake in explaining to it, like how you identify that it’s a mistake. I was angry and I yelled at you and I shouldn’t have, or.

Jen Cudmore (20:08)
Absolutely.

Rosalynn Lasley (20:26)
⁓ You know, I’ve been so busy doing things that I’ve, you know, neglected my time with you or whatever it may be. ⁓ But being willing to ask for forgiveness and also being willing to accept that ⁓ they may need some time to forgive you because forgiveness is something that’s a learned behavior also. And so, you know, as parents, we’re just like, well, we’ve messed up, but you just have to forgive us because that’s how it is. ⁓

but you genuinely desire the forgiveness and you really have a repentant heart for what you’ve done that may have hurt them is the first place to start. And then I think also asking them, ⁓ you know, I can think of one of my kids who ⁓ I’ve hurt them in certain ways and even though it wasn’t intentional, I had. And so there’s times where I’ve had to ask them like, what can I do differently?

if I’ve hurt you, you please give me the opportunity to try and make it right or at least let’s talk through it? Because I don’t want to hurt my kids and sometimes it happens, sometimes I don’t have the patience I should or I’ve got my own junk on my mind and I snap at them or I’m too harsh on the expectations I have for them and so I operate differently than if I was in a clear head space on a good day that I would have.

But then there’s those times where I just, it wasn’t intentional. I had no idea that it was even hurtful to them or, ⁓ you know, whatever it may be. And so being willing to ask them, what can I do differently? How can I love you differently? How can I pour into you differently? Is there anything that I need to do to reconcile this place in our relationship that’s, you know, kind of rough and rocky because I do care about you. I do care about.

growing with you. do care that you know that I love you and if I’m not showing you in the way that you need it, ⁓ please tell me because I’m willing to try.

Jen Cudmore (22:18)
I love that so much and I think it’s

almost in a way it’s like good that we make mistakes with our kids because how else are they gonna know how to handle a mistake when it comes up? Like if you do something that hinders a relationship, here’s what you do. You go to that person, you say, I realize I was wrong, I’m sorry, here’s what I wanna do better, can you help me, can you please forgive me? I mean, we have to model for them what does it look like to overcome your mistakes because…

Rosalynn Lasley (22:25)
Thank you.

Jen Cudmore (22:49)
Again, they’re not perfect and when they become a parent, they’re not going to be perfect with it. So they need to know how do you handle it when you do mess up? Okay, here’s what you do. You talk about it, you apologize, right? So ⁓ I think that

Rosalynn Lasley (22:54)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (23:03)
There’s so much value in that. You need to go to them and tell them you’re sorry. You need to humble yourself and try to make it right with them because you’re teaching them this is how you handle conflict. This is how you handle hurt and being mistreated, those kinds of things.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:16)
Right.

Right, and sometimes we don’t identify it in ourselves. Sometimes it’s just a change in their demeanor and their ⁓ interactions with you or their withdrawn or their short and snappy or they just have a different sort of attitude. And so you might have to do a little bit of prying to get to the root of what it is. Like maybe you don’t identify that you’ve made a mistake or that you’ve hurt them because you genuinely didn’t feel like you did in the moment and they haven’t yet discussed why it was hurtful.

Jen Cudmore (23:29)
true.

Rosalynn Lasley (23:50)
but being willing to not just let it settle on the surface, you know, by being willing to dig in and say, tell me what I’ve done. If I don’t recognize it, let’s talk about it because I do want to know. And I think in some ways that hopefully will shape them for the type of wife and mom that they’ll become because instead of moping around the house or having an attitude or…

You know, their husband says what’s wrong and they say I’m fine and they’re not fine and they’re expecting their husband to pry and then he doesn’t. you know, like being willing to have those open conversations when those hurt feelings happen rather than letting them fester and continue to divide the relationship. I think it’s teaching them early on how to grow and be willing to also seek those types of resolutions when they’ve been the one that’s hurt and wronged somebody else.

Jen Cudmore (24:44)
another aspect too, though, is when you do recognize that you made a genuine mistake, you’re going to have to forgive yourself for messing up. And I think this is one of the hardest things for women, or I mean, for me for sure. When you did ⁓ holler at your kid or ⁓ get a little too snarky or whatever it is, being willing to

Rosalynn Lasley (24:52)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (25:10)
to deal with that and not condemn yourself, not berate yourself. I mean, that can be such a challenge because you, I don’t know. I really think after a while it just becomes habit and you’re like, I’m so stupid. I’ll never be a good mom or whatever baloney.

Rosalynn Lasley (25:17)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (25:26)
You’ve learned to believe

Rosalynn Lasley (25:27)
Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (25:28)
about yourself, but you’ve got to learn how to forgive yourself in this I do think is practice But it’s a really important step as a believer as a follower of Jesus You’ve got to learn how to let go of your mistakes because the truth is you were doing the best that you knew how in the moment Most of the time or sometimes if you flat-out, you know miss the mark

Rosalynn Lasley (25:38)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (25:50)
Okay, sorry Lord. I confess and repent. You know, I shouldn’t have behaved that way. So anyhow, forgiving yourself I think is a huge step. ⁓

Rosalynn Lasley (25:54)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah,

and I feel like for me that’s easier said than done. I feel like I’m quicker to forgive somebody else than I am to forgive myself. ⁓ And thankfully kids are often good forgivers, but that doesn’t erase the opportunity for us to continue to try and make it right ⁓ when we’ve done something wrong. You know, because kids, for the most part, they shrug it off. They forget. They continue on with their life and

Jen Cudmore (26:02)
Bye

Yes.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (26:27)
We need to be able to let go of it too, but not so much that we don’t try and pursue reconciliation when it’s necessary.

Jen Cudmore (26:35)
And so I want to talk about like, where does the guilt come from? Because number one, it could come from a genuine mistake. That’s what we were just covering. But it also can come from a place of a lack of truth. Like either the enemy is trying to, our enemy Satan, our adversary as it says in scripture, ⁓

is trying to defeat us because he knows we want to be a good mom and so if he can convince us that we’re not then maybe we’ll quit trying right ⁓ he wants us to feel bad he wants us to feel like we’re a failure so that we’ll continue to make mistakes or not try or you know whatever he wants us in that place of shame as we’ve talked about so many times before and so remembering that we are in a spiritual battle and sometimes the enemy is going to come after you and he’s going to try to make you feel bad for things that may or may not truly be an issue

Rosalynn Lasley (27:03)
Right?

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (27:25)
with your children, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (27:27)
Yeah. And I think, I mean, obviously he uses what’s effective. And so the more often that we pursue healing and reconnection and forgiveness with our kids and with ourself, ⁓ eventually he’s going to stop. He’ll might pursue something different, but once we really are victorious and we’ve continually worked to forgive ourselves and each other, then he’s like, well, this isn’t effective anymore. I’m going to have to skedaddle because

Jen Cudmore (27:31)
Mm-hmm.

Rosalynn Lasley (27:57)
⁓ When we find that healing and we continue to seek that repetitively, ⁓ he doesn’t have the same power over us anymore.

Jen Cudmore (28:05)
Exactly. And that’s why it is so important to learn to capture your thoughts. Like we’ve talked on many other episodes about catching those lies, watch what you’re thinking, renew your mind, you know, be paying attention and have awareness around the truth versus, you know, deception because the enemy is sneaky and he can say things to us and get us to believe things that feel true and they really aren’t. So we’ve got to develop that awareness and, and

Rosalynn Lasley (28:27)
Yeah. Right.

Jen Cudmore (28:32)
pay attention to what we’re thinking about, what our thought habits are and where we need to stop and go, wait a minute, that’s actually not true. And then we go to scripture and get our truth about what does God say about what kind of parent we are, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (28:35)
Thank you.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (28:47)
And then I think another really important point is we have a hard time trusting God with our kids. I mean, I do. And I feel like a lot of women struggle with this. Don’t you feel that way? We want to kind of have control because we want them to have a nice life. We don’t want bad things to happen to them. We don’t want them to suffer. And so sometimes we try too hard to control their environment ⁓ or ⁓ infiltrate areas of their life where we don’t necessarily need to be so hands on.

Rosalynn Lasley (28:54)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jen Cudmore (29:16)
kind of let go in some of those areas and just trust the Lord, then he could begin to work in their lives in ways we can’t, right?

Rosalynn Lasley (29:24)
that’s something that I am actively trying to work on because ⁓ we have to trust that he has their best interest at heart and he can see things about their life that we can’t. ⁓ And if we love them, he loves them infinitely more. And so we have to trust that ⁓ the love that he’s placed inside of us for our children hails in comparison to the love that he has for them and his desire for good things in their life.

Jen Cudmore (29:40)
That’s right.

Yeah.

And I think along with this is just the idea that we have to allow our kids to fail sometimes because how else are they going to learn to depend on the Lord? Like we can’t fix everything for them because then when they become adults, they won’t feel equipped and they won’t know how to turn to the Lord. And God made this really drove this home for me when my son went off to boot camp and then, different schooling and training. And I was so worried about him, you know, not reading his Bible and not going to

Rosalynn Lasley (30:04)
Right? No.

Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (30:23)
and just feeling like is it my fault that he’s not doing this or you know I just was spending way too much time being concerned about this and the Lord kept trying to reassure me he’s gonna be fine he’s gonna be fine and you know I didn’t feel like a good mom unless my kid was going to church and doing all the right Christian things I think I might have talked about this before and so I was that was kind of coming back on me with some mom guilt like I need to make him do this because that’s a reflection of me as a mom being a good mom

but what the Lord taught me through all of that is my point of that ⁓ He told me Jen. He’s he’s just left and gone out on his own. He doesn’t know that he needs me He doesn’t know that he needs a Savior and you’ve got to give him a little time to work that out But God was like me and him are gonna work it out You just need to wait and let me do it.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:13)
Thank

Jen Cudmore (31:14)
they have to experience some difficulties in the world in order to learn how to depend on the Lord, just like we did, right? So.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:20)
Yeah.

It’s interesting how much of our identity and our self-worth is wrapped up in our kids and what they do with their life and how they succeed or how they fail or what choices they make or how quickly they potty trained or whether or not they cried the first six months of their life because they had a tummy ache. And like how silly and unfair is it that we have decided that we are only valuable in their life and the lives of others if everything looks good on paper. ⁓ And that’s

Jen Cudmore (31:29)
Yes.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (31:53)
so unfair, that’s such a ⁓ warped view of who we are as individuals and who we are in Christ. Like our worth does not come from where our kids are nailing it. ⁓ Sure we want them to do well, sure we want them to have their own personal relationship with the Lord, sure we want them to have a life that’s not full of hardship. ⁓ But in the end, that is not where our identity comes from and neither does theirs. They’re not the sum of the mistakes that they’ve made or

Jen Cudmore (32:09)
Nope.

Rosalynn Lasley (32:22)
how long it took for them to potty train or whether or not they were bottle fed. Like their worth did not come from those things either. And so once we can shake it off and know that we are so much more than all of those things, ⁓ we have so much freedom.

Jen Cudmore (32:38)
that’s so good and part of the lesson I learned from this situation with my son too is that when you do it God’s way it’s so much better. If my son would have followed all the Christian rules and did what mom thought was best he would not have developed the friendship with the Lord that he is now currently developing because he figured it out himself right? He didn’t do it because I told him to or I tried to make him do it. It’s totally different you know it’s now this genuine sincere thing that he’s building

Rosalynn Lasley (32:47)
Mm-hmm.

Right?

Riot.

Jen Cudmore (33:07)
versus following a list of rules that I thought I needed him to follow and ⁓ He’s in such a better place now I mean so much better than I could have even imagined for him right now in this in this time of his life so and I think also of the you know what the Lord keeps reminding me Recently is the idea that our flaws are no match for his anointing So even when we make mistakes or our kids make mistakes Our problems their problems are not gonna stop God

Rosalynn Lasley (33:10)
Right.

Right.

Right?

Jen Cudmore (33:37)
from using them in their kingdom assignments. And so does this issue really have eternal value? Like does body training have eternal value? Does, you know, how, where you choose to breastfeed and ⁓ how they choose to wear their clothes in elementary school? Like it doesn’t matter in the long run. And so stop putting so much pressure on yourself that it has to look a certain way, because we, are putting the pressure on ourselves. We’re putting the rules.

Rosalynn Lasley (33:39)
Right.

Right.

Right.

No.

Jen Cudmore (34:07)
on ourselves. And granted some of that does come from society and friends and culture. But we can choose to say no we can choose to push back on that and say no mm-hmm I don’t have to do it a certain specific way. It doesn’t make me good or bad. Right.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:23)
Right.

it seems funny when you like stop and take a step back and think about it. Like how silly that we give so much weight to all of these opinions, whether they’re our own or from others, because they really don’t matter a whole lot. Like there’s people in this world that will never be potty trained. You know, maybe they were born with a disability and they’ll never ⁓ take themselves to the restroom.

Jen Cudmore (34:35)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, true.

Rosalynn Lasley (34:49)
Okay, well

did they decrease in value because they don’t have the ability to use the bathroom on their own? Maybe they’ll never be able to dress themselves. Did their worth decrease because their clothes don’t match or because they couldn’t choose them themselves? Like, no. So why are we so worried about those things when they don’t really matter a whole lot?

Jen Cudmore (34:55)
Mm-hmm.

So good.

Yep.

So good.

The last thing that I wanted to bring up is just around the idea of be careful how you talk to yourself, right? Sometimes our thoughts and the way we think about ourselves, the way we define ourselves or view ourselves. In fact, this is one of the things I talk about in my new coaching class that I’m building is the idea of would God be pleased with the way that you’re talking about yourself? Would he be pleased with the way that you view yourself and what you’re thinking, these thoughts around who you are?

Would that make him happy because you are a work of art and granted you’re not perfect But if you keep saying things like I’m a bad mom. I’m never gonna figure this out I’m never gonna have a healthy relationship with my kid You are creating an atmosphere you are putting out a negative energy into your sphere of influence and that’s gonna fall on your kids and it’s gonna become a reality right the scripture talks about ⁓ How there’s power in the tongue right in a

Rosalynn Lasley (35:44)
Right.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (36:09)
couple

places. ⁓ so we’ve got to be careful. And that’s a conversation for another day. But I would just challenge you like

catch yourself again, what are you thinking and capture those thoughts. If you have said those things, I challenge you go to the Lord, confess, repent, sorry Lord, I shouldn’t have said these things, this is not okay. And you can shift that narrative to say things like, well, I don’t feel great about this right now, but God is helping me figure it out, right? God is helping me be a good mom. so ⁓ shifting the way you speak about it can totally affect the outcome.

Rosalynn Lasley (36:45)
Right, right. And I think so much of what we’ve talked about on the podcast in general is reframing the way that we think and speak ⁓ because we are hard on ourselves and we do speak condemning things over ourselves and that is not what the Lord has in mind for us. ⁓ And when it’s a struggle to be kind to yourself, ⁓ one of the things that I’ve been working with with one of my kids is, okay, maybe it’s hard for you to think

Jen Cudmore (37:03)
Exactly.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:13)
good about yourself. Maybe it’s hard for you to talk kindly to yourself, but would it bother you if somebody talked that way about your best friend? And okay, then if you feel this ⁓ passion for defending your friend and, you know, sticking up for them and having somebody else treat them respectfully, then I hope that eventually you’ll get to the place where you can feel just as passionately about the way that you speak and think of yourself.

Jen Cudmore (37:39)
exactly. And it can be hard to reframe it for sure. And so I don’t want to diminish that or like try to belittle that at all. can totally be hard to reframe how you talk about yourself and how you, you know, parent in different things. I get that. Your thinking is ingrained in it.

Rosalynn Lasley (37:43)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (37:58)
really can build strongholds in your mind and it can take a while to dismantle and shift your thoughts. That’s fine, but it’s still doable. And here’s the

I want to wrap this up with hope because God can redeem anything. There is no mistake that you make or that your child makes that will stop him from working. It’s just not possible. He is a redeemer. That’s what he does. He restores things. That’s what Jesus did on the cross when he died for our sins, right? We now have the ability to

Rosalynn Lasley (38:12)
me.

Right.

Jen Cudmore (38:31)
have this better life available to us. We’re not enslaved to a life of sin anymore. So just you got to hold on to that truth. It doesn’t matter how many mistakes are made. God can make up for it.

Rosalynn Lasley (38:41)
you

Right.

I think ⁓ one of the things that crossed my mind with what you were just saying is that ⁓ in the conversation we’ve had, we’ve assumed that our kids will forgive us, but maybe there’s things that you’ve done that are unforgivable to your kids, at least at this point in their life. ⁓ That does not mean that you can’t find healing and forgiveness in yourself and that the Lord hasn’t forgiven you for the places that you have failed. ⁓ We hope that our kids will forgive us, but maybe they won’t.

Jen Cudmore (39:01)
Okay.

Yep.

Rosalynn Lasley (39:14)
that’s okay. God can still, you know, give you the peace that surpasses all understanding and helps you forgive yourself for the areas maybe you’ve really, really messed things up.

Jen Cudmore (39:27)
That’s so true. And sometimes if it is a situation that’s kind of rather big with a lot of consequences, we do need to give them a little space and a little time to work through it. So just trusting the Lord, holding onto that hope that he can work and he can restore and he can redeem ⁓ and that it’s okay if it takes a little while for that to come about. So.

Rosalynn Lasley (39:46)
Right.

Jen Cudmore (39:48)
All right, as we go about this week, let’s explore the depths of this final thought. In those areas where you have been struggling with mom guilt, where can you begin to sort out those lies and develop awareness around your thought patterns? Where do you need to let go of blame and forgive yourself? And how can you begin to let go of your children and trust God to take care of them more?

Rosalynn Lasley (40:15)
Mm-hmm.

Jen Cudmore (40:18)
Bless you, friend. That’s it for today. See you next week.