E19 No Rules: 8 Lies To Avoid When You’re Greiving A Loss

SHOW TRANSCRIPT:

Jen Cudmore (00:01)
Hey there, it’s Jen back with Into the Depths podcast. Thanks for joining me. I really appreciate your guys’ support. I have just had a lot of things on my mind lately and so I thought I would share ⁓ as I briefly had mentioned before, my father passed away a few weeks ago and so there’s just been a lot going on in my family and as we’ve been going through the grieving process, I’ve just had a lot of.

of things come up and I’ve experienced a lot of different loss in my life as has everyone. And God has been showing me over the years just what the process of grief is meant to look like. Well, kind of like there’s no set rules or no set way it’s supposed to be done. But I’ve learned some things is essentially what I’m saying. he’s been, God has been

encouraging me to write a book on lament, which is a scriptural or a biblical concept and basically just why did he create lament and how that is meant to be part of the grief process and dealing with loss and sorrow. But all I have to say, this topic has been fresh on my mind, not only because of processing my own grief with my dad’s

death, but then also just the idea of, you know, I’m going to be working on this book or I’ve started this book and I’m going to be working on it probably through most of the summer. And so because grief has been on my mind, I thought, you know, I would just take an episode to share some of the lies that I have discovered, not just over the last few weeks, but just some other lies that I’ve experienced in the past or I’ve heard others say.

around what grief is supposed to look like and how the process is meant to be and essentially how we can put rules on ourselves and make life harder on ourselves because we think grief should look a certain way. So let me just dive in. I don’t have any questions for us today. This is basically me just kind of processing my thoughts out loud and trying to get them organized so that I can put them in a book. But thanks for being here with me.

So one of the things that was really came on strong for me a few weeks ago is that ⁓ because losing your father is a major loss, I really should take extra time off work. And it wasn’t that anybody specifically said to me, you’re not taking enough time off work, but I did feel an underlying unspoken pressure from a couple of my friends that

It’s not good for me to continue working. I should take time away to grieve. And so I struggled with that for a couple of days because I thought, you know, I’m the type of person that when life is hard, ⁓ staying busy actually helps me stay grounded or helps me ⁓ have purpose. And so I like to work.

when I’m going through loss and sorrow because number one, it’s routine, which feels safe and comfortable. But number two, ⁓ like I said, it gives me a sense of purpose and it keeps my mind busy so that I’m not constantly focusing on the loss. So that works for me. And what I recognized was I had to give myself permission that, know what, everybody grieves differently and it’s okay if I’m the type of person who

needs to get back to work right away. I did take one day off because I was overwhelmed and I, we actually, you know, I have a big family. So we were on the phone a lot texting each other. How are you doing? What, what are we doing about this? How are we going to coordinate that? Has everybody been informed all the things? And so I just needed that one day to like get, you know, kind of all the chaos taken care of. But, ⁓ thankfully for me, I ended up

I found out right before I went to a conference in Nashville. so actually, I think the timing was good for me because being at that conference was a great diversion. The other thing that was amazing was because my husband had ended up coming with me and he doesn’t typically come with me when I go to a medical conference for work. That’s the first time he had joined me. And his intention was to go out and go golfing while I was in the sessions, which he did. But ⁓

What I’m saying is that environment ended up being extremely valuable for me in processing the initial waves of grief because I was able to sort of keep my mind a little bit busy, stay occupied. I felt like I had a purpose and I wasn’t just laying in bed crying for three days, which some people may need to do. But for me, that was not what I needed.

So ⁓ it’s important to know yourself and I know that, I, you know, we all still get tripped up like, wait a minute, should I have done this or should I have done that? And so just being careful that there is no should, you need to know your needs. You need to know yourself, where you’re at. Different seasons are going to require different types of coping mechanisms. I don’t like the word coping mechanism, but different ways of coping. And so there’s no set rules. There’s no…

nothing that says you need to take this amount of time off work or not. Everyone’s different, every loss is different. So you may need time off a lot for one loss, but then for another one you don’t. So just being careful to understand your needs, what can your brain handle? And knowing what to expect with grief is really important too, so that you can be like, okay, these are the normal things that are gonna happen.

So these are the symptoms I need to look for and then what’s the best way to manage that. ⁓ For me, for example, I need green spaces. When I am dealing with loss and sorrow, I have realized, I don’t know, good five or 10 years ago that I need to be outside more. And I’m not an outdoorsy person, but there’s just something about being in God’s creation that is soothing and healing, especially running water.

There are water sounds. And so for me, a lot of times it’s ⁓ visiting waterfalls or the ocean, or maybe like a fountain in a garden or something. ⁓ That is what I have found that works really well for me. And thankfully I have an amazing husband who knows that about me. And when I was going through a really difficult time of loss and sorrow, ⁓ several years ago when we were still in Alaska on the weekends, he would take me for drives. We would go out.

And it was still winter, so we weren’t really getting outside, but we would drive through the mountains and through the forests and by the rivers. know, Alaska’s so beautiful. And so even just being able to look out the window for three hours and see all these beautiful things and just listen to worship music, no talking, and just try to absorb the beautiful surroundings of nature. For me, that is very healing and it helps me process grief.

⁓ really well. So knowing what you can handle and what’s going to work for you to process grief, there’s no rules about ⁓ how to do it. Another lie that I discovered that ⁓ came up for me a week or two ago was that ⁓ I was getting really worried about my children and my nieces and nephews. And I thought, okay, what can I do to help them? What do they need? And how can I

⁓ Be there for them and I had a really sweet friend who reached out to me a day or two after my father died and she said now remember like ⁓ It is not your job to solve this for everybody else. It is not your job to fix it for them They will manage their own grief and you need to focus on yourself Not that you can’t try to help others. But what it made me realize is I was out of balance I was so concerned with everyone else’s pain

that I was not paying attention to my pain and how to handle it well. And so that is something that I’ve really had to keep in balance is it’s not my job to solve this or fix this for other people. I can be loving and encouraging in those moments where I have the capacity for that, but then I need to step back and let them work it out with the Lord on what they need and how to process their grief. So that is a lie. think that ⁓

is probably common. And especially I would suggest for moms, you know, we do worry about our kids handling pain and handling negative situations and how, you know, how, what, how we can help in their suffering. So, um, that’s a normal natural response, but we need to keep that in balance and recognize that we can’t fix it for them. And it’s not on us to do that. Another lie that I discovered is, you know, I was thinking like,

Okay, well losing your dad is a big deal. Like it’s a major loss. And so I was, I initially made the assumption that this is going to be really difficult. This is going to be really painful and I need to figure out how to grieve the right way. And I was able to catch that lie right away and be like, okay, no, I already know that putting rules on myself about what this process has to look like is, is a

Negative and will cause me harm. And so I had to pull back a little bit and say, okay Lord, I’m feeling really emotional right now. What should I do? What do I need in this moment? And so what I’ve really been trying to do the past few weeks as I process the grief over my dad passing is Is to remember that there is no right way that there there’s nothing that I need to figure out

It is simply a moment by moment, what do I need? And just whispering that prayer over and over, Lord, help me understand, what do I need right now? Do I need to push through and get my work done? Do I need to go take care of the housework or do I need to just lay on this couch for eight hours and watch TV and do something mindless because my brain is too tired to think? ⁓ And so I’ve been really working on that balance of in the moment,

in this moment, what do I need? ⁓ I feel like I need to commiserate with someone. So I’m going to reach out to someone in my family, or I’m going to reach out to a friend or, in this moment, you know what, ⁓ because my brain is tired, I’m going to take an extra long lunch from work and I’m just going to sit down and read a novel. And, you know, I’ve done that a couple of times. So it’s really, like I said, a moment by moment and recognizing that putting rules on myself and saying this is what

it has to look like in order for me to get healing is detrimental. so taking it moment by moment, walking it out with God is how to best handle grief. I found this amazing truth when I had bought this grief journal years ago. I really can’t remember why I bought this journal, but it was, it’s this really cool tool.

that helps you process grief in a lot of different ways. It helps you think about different things that you, know, cause when you’re grieving, I think the statistics said it’s like ⁓ 90 something percent of your energy or your brain power goes to coping and making sense of the loss. And so you really only have, ⁓ it’s less than 10 % of your normal capacity. And so when,

you’re going to get tired a lot faster and you’re not going to be able to think things through and make decisions on a normal level. And that will last most likely weeks or months. so ⁓ all that to say, I had found this, this grief journal workbook that has been very helpful to me in processing certain aspects of different types of loss. And so how she opens the book is with this, this line that says, ⁓

We tend to think that grief is a problem to be fixed. And really grief is an experience to be carried. And that truth has really shaped my understanding of how to grieve well and how to ⁓ get the most out of it. What am I trying to say here? ⁓ There’s no right or wrong in how to grieve, but we can certainly make it harder on ourselves and we can certainly make the grief last longer if we don’t

use some of the right resources and tools to help us process the pain. So I’ve been holding on to that truth. Okay, I don’t have to fix this. It’s not something that I need to figure out and get over. This grief is not a problem. Grief is simply an experience and I need to carry it for a little while. And that’s been extremely helpful, especially in the moment ⁓ where I’ve been dealing with a lot of anger. ⁓ So ⁓

this past week has been a little bit of a struggle because there’s been a lot more of the anger coming to the surface. done enough studying on grief and different areas. And so I have learned to understand that it’s really one day at a time, one moment at a time, and just really trying to lean into that, okay, Lord, what do I need right now in this moment? And learning to understand myself. So.

⁓ And then a fourth lie that I had struggled with over the last couple weeks is ⁓ I have to go outside for a walk every day. Okay, so just saying that out loud sounds silly, but here’s the thing. We do this all the time. We put rules on ourselves over what we should or shouldn’t do that makes us a good person. I mean, I’ve talked about this a lot on the podcast. We don’t recognize how we’re making life harder on ourselves and putting limits.

on ourselves. And so the other day I was feeling guilty because I had gone two days without going for a walk. And I was like, man, I just, I really should, I really should. I didn’t want to. And I felt God say to me, like, there’s no rule that says you have to go outside for a walk every day. And it gave me pause because I was like, okay, Lord, well, I know that walking is extremely healthy for your brain.

I read this quote somewhere and I wish I would have kept it, but it said something like about our brains work best when they’re moving at three miles per hour. And how ⁓ the concept of walking and moving consistently in our day-to-day lives is extremely beneficial to our brains. That’s the way God wired them. The more we move our body and the more we walk,

the better our brains are going to work at their highest capacity. And so what I had been telling myself is that I am so tired, I need this extra energy. So if I don’t get out for a 30 minute walk, I’m going to be useless all day. And I don’t want to lay on the couch all day. I’ve got this to do or that to do. So I have to make myself go for a walk. Otherwise my brain won’t work and I won’t be able to get through the day. So this was a rule that I had started putting on myself. And so what I had to…

What I had to do was just take a step back and say, okay, well, yes, the truth is if I were to walk 30 minutes every day, I would probably be able to show up better and do more, but I don’t have to. It’s okay to have a few days where I don’t get outside and I don’t get in a walk and I do lay around a little bit more and ⁓ I’m not a bad person if I skip a walk. And so ⁓ those are the four lies over the past few weeks that I have been really struggling with.

not been, but I did. I feel like I’m over them now. So feeling like I should have taken more time off work, feeling like it’s up to me to fix it for other people that they’re depending on me to help them process their pain, ⁓ that losing a dad is a big deal. So I need to make sure I figure it out and do it right, do this whole grief thing right. ⁓ And then, you know, I know that walking is really good for me. So I have to take a walk every day. So those are… ⁓

I wanted to share things that were real life examples, like front and center But there are a few others that I have seen in the past that I’ve either experienced or I’ve heard other people say. So let me share a couple of these as well. ⁓ One, several years ago, and I don’t remember what it was, but I remember thinking to myself,

I should be over this by now. And I think this was when my son had left home and I was just tired of crying all the time because I missed him so much. And ⁓ I kept telling myself, why am I still sad? Why am I still crying? I should be over this by now. And my tendency with my personality is I like to rush through anything and everything anyway.

And so here I am dealing with grief. It’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, it’s painful. I don’t like this. I don’t want to be emotional. I don’t want to cry in public, all the things. And so I was like pushing myself to get through it and get it done because I don’t like it. And I don’t want to continue to be in this grief process. So I need to hurry up and get done with it so I can move on with normal life. And that is actually not possible with grief. We can’t rush through it. And ⁓

That is a valuable lesson that I learned is that I was really holding on to that lie of I should be feeling better by now. There’s no timeframe on grief. Every loss is different. Every season is different. Every human is different. So what may have worked for you when you lost something five years ago is not going to work for you in a loss that you’re experiencing right now. Some of it might, but for the most part, every single loss, your grief process is going to look a little bit different and you need to be open to that.

and you need to be okay with it taking longer than you want it to. I mean, when my son left home, I used to be embarrassed when I would say, yeah, it took me like a year to get over it. That used to embarrass me. And now I’m like, you know what? That’s the reality of it. Some loss is extremely difficult and it is gonna take a year.

to get over it and there’s no should or shouldn’t. So be careful with the lies and the limitations and the rules that you’re trying to put on yourself with how things have to look. Another thing that I’ve heard people say, and this is not one that I’ve struggled with, but I’ve seen a lot of people.

assume that grief is private or they believe the lie that grief is private that I need to do it alone that I can’t grieve in public or I can’t grieve around other people or I just don’t want to because it’s uncomfortable and I don’t want them to see me being a mess and so That is something that I’ve seen Lately, I feel like it’s becoming a lot more socially acceptable if you will ⁓ to grieve

in public or be real around other people. And, you know, it’s okay to cry at work. It’s okay to step away and take a break because, you know, you got overly angry about this work situation when really that was just an overreaction from anger in dealing with your pain. So it’s, not wrong to grieve in private. Obviously there’s going to be times where you’re going to do that. You may cry yourself to sleep one night. Totally fine. Totally normal.

⁓ But to hide away and say that I can only grieve in private is not healthy because God made us to be in community. So saying that grief is meant to be private is actually a lie. That’s not true. Grief is meant to be ⁓ lived out with others. And you see this in the scripture where people are lamenting in public, like in the middle of the city, in the middle of ⁓ these different areas. mean, sometimes they would go off by themselves. ⁓

but they never hid how they were feeling. And I don’t think that’s what God wants from us either to hide in our pain is not good for us. We need to experience it ⁓ with others in certain settings in safety and security of trusted people. So, and just the concept that it’s okay to not be okay. That was the lesson that I really had to learn when I was going through my struggles with my marriage, some, I don’t know, 10.

12 years ago when Tim and I were really struggling and I was totally convinced that he was gonna leave us and there was a lot of grief there and a lot of different ⁓ ways ⁓ for that whole mess. one of my mentors kept telling me, it’s okay to not be okay. Like you don’t have to show up and pretend that you’re fine at work. That’s not healthy.

you still have to live your life. You still have to do normal things. And yes, you can make space for grief. You have to make space for grief. But ⁓ to pretend that you’re fine is never what God intended of us. And so you’re going to have to go to the grocery store and pick things up. And you’re not going to want to talk to people. And you may have a tear fall out when you’re in the line, ⁓ in the checkout line. Who cares? Like learning to be OK with that. We don’t want to make a scene because ⁓

if we’re needy, trying to get attention, that’s a whole nother issue. ⁓ But we still have to our lives and it’s okay to not be okay. We just need to still ⁓ try to be kind to people, try to respond well, but at the same time, ⁓ keep it in balance of if you don’t feel chatty and you don’t feel friendly, then don’t do it. It’s fine. You can just sit back and be quiet. ⁓ I want to give you an example.

⁓ I think this was like the third night after I had, you know, my dad had passed away and I was at this conference and we were supposed to go out to dinner on the General Jackson showboat in Nashville. And I love dinner cruises. And so I had really been looking forward to it. And ⁓ then I got this news and I thought, my gosh, like, I just don’t know if I feel like being social right now. Maybe I just need to stay in bed.

And I ended up deciding because I have really wanted to go I thought you know what I’m just gonna try it I’m just gonna try it and if things don’t go well I’ll deal with it at least I know my husband’s right there and he’ll be able to help me and so I We went we ended up having such a good time and there’s some really amazing people a part of this organization of pediatric surgery managers

And ⁓ I just felt, even had this one really sweet woman I had never met before. She just grabbed my hand and said, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. And for the most part, everybody knew that my dad had just passed away, but they pretty much just left me alone and treated me like normal. Like they didn’t shy away from me and avoid me, but then they didn’t talk about it. was like, in my opinion, it was they were just kind of letting me take the lead. What did I need? If I wanted to talk, they would talk. If I didn’t, then they didn’t.

And I so appreciated that. And ⁓ because I think of it, a lot of people don’t know how to deal with someone who’s in the middle of grief. And so I really felt like that God ⁓ just really was in control of the room and this group of people and just how I really felt loved and cared for by the fact that they just treated me like normal. And so all that to say, ⁓

Dinner was great and then the show started and I was really enjoying the music and my husband’s there and ⁓ it had been such a good night and I was just so thankful that I had been able to enjoy myself because sometimes we think that when we’re suffering loss ⁓ We can’t enjoy ourselves. We feel like those can’t go together But I know that they can and so I was determined to you know, I had paid money for this I’ve been looking forward to it for a couple months and I was gonna make the most of it and so ⁓

I, about, I don’t know, 10 minutes into the show, I had this thought of, ⁓ it’s so weird that, you know, I’m sitting here enjoying this beautiful entertainment with these wonderful people and my amazing husband. And yet just a few days ago, my dad was still alive and breathing and now he’s gone. It’s just like the concept of he’s gone.

really just kind of hit me in that moment. And I ended up for probably about 30 minutes. I just started crying. I wasn’t sobbing, but I was just letting the tears come down. And obviously everybody at my table could see it. And I just prayed, Lord, please let them continue to leave me alone. Just let them continue to leave me alone so that I can just be myself and, and go get through this moment. And that’s exactly what happened. I just kept dabbing my eyes with my tissue.

and you know kind of leaning into my husband and I’m sure the whole there’s probably like 20, 25 of us in our group and I’m sure they all knew that I was sitting at that table crying but I what was amazing to me is that this was such a great example of it’s okay to not be okay. They had no expectations on me. I’m sure some of them wondered why I was even there but they you know they were just so kind in their quietness in their

⁓ They weren’t, like I said, they weren’t avoiding me, but they weren’t bringing up the topic. They were just letting me be me. And it was so, it sounds weird, but I feel like it was just a real beautiful moment for me where this is the reality of it. You know, I’m having a good time, but yet I’m extremely sad and ⁓ I’m able to smile and cry at the same time. I’m able to enjoy this wonderful thing in front of me on the stage. And at the same time, you know, sit with this.

sorrow in my heart wishing that things were different, ⁓ you know, that I was able to not think about my dad while I’m watching this show. So it’s there, you know, that tension or that, ⁓ that, I don’t know, teeter totter, if you will, like you can feel multiple things at the same time and you can learn to be okay with not being okay. And

I could have chosen to be embarrassed and humiliated that all those people knew that I was crying what are they thinking of me? You know, I should, she should have just stayed home. I mean, my mind didn’t even go there at all. My mind was just focused on this is what it is. This is what grief looks like. This is what life is like for me right now. And it’s okay. I’m okay. ⁓ And so,

I feel like even just a few years ago, I would have not been able to do that. I would have been humiliated and I would have left the room and I would have hidden the bathroom or whatever. I would have told him we need to leave. ⁓ But I chose to stay in the moment and just go with it. And like I had mentioned in one of the other episodes, life is messy. This was just a messy moment. And I learned to embrace it or I chose to embrace it rather than resist it and run away from it. And it ended up being a very beautiful experience.

And so I just wanted to give that example because that is a very recent, very real example for me that ⁓ grief, yes, we have to balance those times where being alone is necessary, but isolation is dangerous. It is okay to cry in public. It is okay to be a little bit emotional in front of other people. And it’s even okay if they don’t even, they don’t know what to do with you.

⁓ as long as you are secure ⁓ and you understand yourself and you’re able to process it in the best way that you know how. anyhow, ⁓ another lie that I had experienced a while ago was that I have to go through all the stages of grief and I needed to know when they were supposed to happen so that I could watch for them. Thank goodness I don’t do this anymore because I used to, you know.

try to control life way too much. And like I said, rush through it. from a counselor’s perspective, there are different stages that you tend to go through as you’re in the grieving process. And for a long time, I feel like there was a hyper focus on

you’re going to hit all of these stages. This is what grief consists of. And while I believe there is a certain amount of truth to that, there is no right or wrong way to grieve and you are not going to hit every stage every time. And I had a counselor tell me that too. He told me to not even study the stages of grief because they are not 100 % accurate. And so,

I don’t know if that’s something you’ve heard or not that when you grieve, you have to go through all the stages. That is something I had heard and even at one point I thought I probably should do. So I was very grateful that right away he nipped that in the bud for me and said, no, it’s every time it’s going to look different. And that’s definitely been my experience. So I think it’s okay to learn that and understand it and know that those are some typical things that you will encounter. But

again, it’s gonna look different. Every loss is gonna look different depending on the person, the season, and whatnot. So the other thing that I was told is that these stages of grief that you typically find when you do a search is they were created around the idea of end of life. it… ⁓

It’s not universal in being applied to all loss again. So there are some truths that you can take away from that and, it will give you a little bit of understanding around what grief can look like, but just being careful that again, you’re not setting rules for what it has to look like. If I don’t get angry at some point, then there must be something wrong with me. Or if I don’t go into depression at some point,

I don’t know, my opinion is it’s good to be aware of the stages and know what they are, but ⁓ don’t expect that it has to look like that. Another lie that I’ve encountered is that I can’t be happy and sad at the same time. they can’t, they don’t go together. They’re opposites and so they can’t exist together. And what I have learned over the years is that actually God meant for sorrow and joy.

to coexist. And I think ⁓ this is something that we learn in our Christian journey as we grow and mature spiritually is that we can experience this really difficult situation and yet still, you know, the Bible is constantly telling us to rejoice in the Lord always. Well, how can I rejoice when I have this terrible thing happen or I’m going through this terrible loss?

You know, and it does say ⁓ in Ecclesiastes, it talks about there’s a time for everything under the sun. There’s a time to be happy and a time to be sad. And so, yeah, there definitely we need to make space for all the emotions and all the experiences. But ⁓ what I have learned is that there’s no such thing as only being one emotion at a time, if you will. So the idea that sorrow and joy are meant to coexist

I think is something that a lot of people struggle with

It is joy that helps us manage our sorrow and handle it well. For me, at least, that is what it has looked like. In order to help me process my grief and process my loss, I have had to lean into rest and find things that bring me joy, such as getting outside to a waterfall or playing with my cat. My cat brings me so much joy. That’s another subject. ⁓ So,

It’s not about pretending that you’re not upset or pretending that you’re not sad. You can be sad and happy at the same time. can, ⁓ joy and sorrow can coexist. In fact, I believe God meant for them to coexist. And ⁓ it’s just a maturing process for us to learn how to do that. So those are some lies that not only have I encountered personally, but that I have seen others struggle with.

I talk a lot about lies, labels, and limitations on the show. Might as well just cover that around the area of grief. And ⁓ I’m also excited because I’m finally, I’m almost done creating the Three L’s worksheet. And this is just ⁓ a resource that I have been wanting to build, that I’ve been working on building, creating,

awareness around the lies and labels and limitations in their lives, but then also to begin to deal with them and get rid of them so that they can focus on truth. And so I will post that link. Hopefully that’ll be up by the time this episode airs, but if not, definitely by the end of June. So ⁓ if you’re following me on Instagram, you’ll see I’ll be posting it and I’ll mention it there so that you guys will be able to grab that link and go pull down that free resource. And then you can. ⁓

start practicing how to deal with lies, labels, and limitations. So anyhow, let me wrap up for today. I don’t have any questions to round us out. I don’t have any final thoughts. But I hope that you’ve recognized where you have struggled with some of these similar lies in your own life around grief. And just begin to think ahead of the next time you have a loss. These are some lies that I’m going to refuse to live by. So that is it for today. Have a great week, everybody. Thank you.